Pierced Temp calls. Man in the Scarf. Cleaning company account manager in reception. Taking me for lunch. Christmas thank you for years business. Reassure competence in Pierced Temp ability to cope solo. No issue. Greet Man in the Scarf. Same weak handshake. New scarf.
Restaurant pleasant. Busy. Waiter keen to take order quickly. Points out large Christmas party in for lunch. Order quick or wait long. Decide on Goats Cheese Tart. Pheasant. Dessert TBC. Man in the Scarf orders same. Selects mid-priced Pinot Noir. Orders two beers. Talks a lot. Keeps scarf on.
Cleaning business good. New clients. New innovations. Implementing new Health and Safety practices. Keen to learn more. Man in the scarf keen to move on. More wine. Asks about Christmas Party. Keep information minimal. More wine. Questions quality of cleaners work clearing aftermath. Reasonably pleased. More wine. Asks about company. Give overview of annual company performance. Man in the scarf orders second bottle of Pinot Noir. Two more beers. Starter arrives. Tasty. Consume second bottle. Man in the Scarf orders third bottle. Two more beers. Main course undercooked. Complaining futile. Large Christmas party in full swing. Very loud. Playing pass the parcel. All suits. Decline dessert. Man in the Scarf orders Port. Check time. Need to return to office. Email Pierced Temp. Receive response. All fine. Office quiet. Decline invitation to “move things up a level.”
Man in the Scarf settles bill. Says farewell. Same weak handshake. Feel dizzy.
That is all…
Monday
Business as Unsual
Office quiet. Christmas wind down in effect. Julia the Junior absent. Sick leave. Olivia absent. Annual leave. Relief. Reception manned by temp. No issue. Competent. Friendly. Pierced eyebrow. Long hair. Undercut. Suspect tattoos.
No comeback from Christmas party. People smiling. Saying hello. More than usual. Questioning recovery on Friday. Feel accepted. Strange.
That is all...
No comeback from Christmas party. People smiling. Saying hello. More than usual. Questioning recovery on Friday. Feel accepted. Strange.
That is all...
Friday
Christmas Party - Aftermath Continued
Head banging. Stomach churning. Contraband Eggnog taste still in mouth. Office deserted all day. Complete disaster zone. Discover female underwear in three separate locations. Discovered male sock on Christmas tree. Kitchen Cam removed from wall. Destroyed.
Contact cleaning company to commence clean up operation. Man in the scarf laughs down phone. Inappropriate response from service provider. Note to review contract in new year.
Survey office for damage. Kitchen Cam only true casualty. Additional mess manageable. Begin checklist and plan for cleaners.
Discover inappropriate graffiti in client toilet. Send out immediate allstaffer regarding size and nature of drawing. Looks like it had been traced. Suspect perpetrator still has black outline on self. Contemplate ID parade. Impractical. Depleted workforce in attendance.
Note to write strongly worded letter to Karaoke company. Note to quote appropriate sections of Health and Safety legislation relating to electrical goods.
Note to call Julia the Junior in for immediate disciplinary.
Note to follow up discussion with MD relating to payrise.
Note to apologise to Olivia…
That is all…
Contact cleaning company to commence clean up operation. Man in the scarf laughs down phone. Inappropriate response from service provider. Note to review contract in new year.
Survey office for damage. Kitchen Cam only true casualty. Additional mess manageable. Begin checklist and plan for cleaners.
Discover inappropriate graffiti in client toilet. Send out immediate allstaffer regarding size and nature of drawing. Looks like it had been traced. Suspect perpetrator still has black outline on self. Contemplate ID parade. Impractical. Depleted workforce in attendance.
Note to write strongly worded letter to Karaoke company. Note to quote appropriate sections of Health and Safety legislation relating to electrical goods.
Note to call Julia the Junior in for immediate disciplinary.
Note to follow up discussion with MD relating to payrise.
Note to apologise to Olivia…
That is all…
Christmas Party Week - Day 5 Aftermath
Woke up 4am. Boardroom Sofa. Comfortable. Three seater in charcoal. 30% terylene, 40% viscose, 30% acrylic, solid wood frame, stainless steel legs. Amazing quality. Ergonomically sound. Head hurts. Vision hazy. Memory shot. Wake up clutching Olivia’s shoe. Confused.
That is all…
That is all…
Thursday
Christmas Party Week – Day 4(4)
Out of hand. Bar area compromised. Karaoke machine emitting smoke. Illegal contraband Eggnog flowing. Christmas playlist hacked. Music loud. Olivia outfit amazing.
That is all…
That is all…
Christmas Party Week – Day 4(3)
Change into Baron Von Trapp. Pimp outfit with thin leather tie.
That is all…
That is all…
Christmas Party Week – Day 4(2)
Contraband. Unauthorised Eggnog distributed throughout office. Potent. Contravenes Drugs and Alcohol Policy. MD intoxicated. Level of employee intoxication bordering on Health and Safety breach. Consult Kitchen Cam. Device used to observe flagrant abuse of kitchen facilities. No evidence. All staff affected. Julia the Junior AWOL. Olivia smiling. Not close enough to smell breath.
Begin set-up of “party” area. Julia the Junior still AWOL. Olivia covers reception. No help with set-up. Engage set-up plan. Relocate employees in allocated area. Forward telephones to hot desk locations. Ensure desks are cleared. All desk top items accounted for. Documented. Secure items. Move furniture. Designate bar area. Effectively stock bar and two relocated kitchen fridges. Ensure alcohol and soft drinks only accessible from bar manager area. Contemplate creating “No Eggnog” sign. No time. Disregard thought. Layout “Katona” food. Unsure of quality. Urgh.
Karaoke company arrives. Company = 1 man. Big. Beard. Long Hair. Baseball cap. Shorts! Tunage Karaoke. Mr Tunage very excited. Never done an office before. Express concerns about voltage. Load sharing. Fuse capacity. Mr Tunage is confident. Sets up. Tests system. Eye of the Tiger. He’s good. Suggests I try. For luck. Decline. Tunage slaps back. Shouts enjoy. Winks. Leaves. Long evening ahead.
That is all…
Begin set-up of “party” area. Julia the Junior still AWOL. Olivia covers reception. No help with set-up. Engage set-up plan. Relocate employees in allocated area. Forward telephones to hot desk locations. Ensure desks are cleared. All desk top items accounted for. Documented. Secure items. Move furniture. Designate bar area. Effectively stock bar and two relocated kitchen fridges. Ensure alcohol and soft drinks only accessible from bar manager area. Contemplate creating “No Eggnog” sign. No time. Disregard thought. Layout “Katona” food. Unsure of quality. Urgh.
Karaoke company arrives. Company = 1 man. Big. Beard. Long Hair. Baseball cap. Shorts! Tunage Karaoke. Mr Tunage very excited. Never done an office before. Express concerns about voltage. Load sharing. Fuse capacity. Mr Tunage is confident. Sets up. Tests system. Eye of the Tiger. He’s good. Suggests I try. For luck. Decline. Tunage slaps back. Shouts enjoy. Winks. Leaves. Long evening ahead.
That is all…
Christmas Party Week – Day 4(1)
“Party” day. Arrive early. Three hours before office opens. Decorate office. Construct festive experience in entrance hall. Employ 160 Net Christmas Decoration Lights – Warm White. 8 functions: combination, steady on, twin-light chasing, in wave, twinkle, flashing, slo-glo and stepping on. Select wave function. May vary later in day. Remainder of entrance experience consists of; 9ft Green Plain Garland, Snow Spray Aerosol 150mlx3 to cover Garland with “snow.” Remainder of office daubed – at random – with Silver Tinsel – Chunky, Ruby Red Tinsel – Chunky, Forest Green Tinsel – Chunky. Estimate 80% of office is festively attired. Remaining 20% in view of at least 3 festive areas/decorations. Upload self-populated low key Christmas playlist to office music system. Reserve up-tempo for “party.”
Prepare (warm) mince pies, hot chocolate and Christmas hat for employee arrival.
Olivia first to arrive. Distribute (warm) mince pie. Hot chocolate. Christmas hat. Olivia smiles. Check watch. She’s late. Note to review Olivia’s time keeping.
That is all…
Prepare (warm) mince pies, hot chocolate and Christmas hat for employee arrival.
Olivia first to arrive. Distribute (warm) mince pie. Hot chocolate. Christmas hat. Olivia smiles. Check watch. She’s late. Note to review Olivia’s time keeping.
That is all…
Wednesday
Christmas Party Week – Day 3(2)
Create Party Behavioural Policy in line with Company Handbook policies and regulations. Designed to protect integrity of company and staff. Last years incident must not be repeated. Phallic ornaments and Accounts Payable staff do not mix.
Submit Party Behavioural Policy to MD for approval. Receive email from PA to MD. Suggests meeting next week to discuss. Respond pointing out party is tomorrow. Receive email from PA to MD. Next week now not looking good. Perhaps New Year. Respond accordingly. No response. Aim to maintain policy no matter what. Party Behavioural Policy has gone rogue.
That is all…
Submit Party Behavioural Policy to MD for approval. Receive email from PA to MD. Suggests meeting next week to discuss. Respond pointing out party is tomorrow. Receive email from PA to MD. Next week now not looking good. Perhaps New Year. Respond accordingly. No response. Aim to maintain policy no matter what. Party Behavioural Policy has gone rogue.
That is all…
Christmas Party Week – Day 3(1)
Karaoke booking achieved. Good deal. Props to Olivia. Not too much. All genres catered for. Indie. Rock. Pop. Contemplate “Oh Carol.” Decide not to.
Alcohol ordered. Sufficient amount. Below budget. Julia the junior keen to know what’s on offer. Slight palpitation. Food secured. “Katona” option favoured. Google “Katona.” Urgh.
Decide on costume for Sound of Music fancy dress theme.
Decide to source decorations. Olivia too flamboyant.
That is all…
Alcohol ordered. Sufficient amount. Below budget. Julia the junior keen to know what’s on offer. Slight palpitation. Food secured. “Katona” option favoured. Google “Katona.” Urgh.
Decide on costume for Sound of Music fancy dress theme.
Decide to source decorations. Olivia too flamboyant.
That is all…
Tuesday
Christmas Party Week – Day 2(2)
Furniture move plan complete. Send immediate allstaff email with outlined plan and points of action for affected staff. To follow up day off party. Arrange relocation of two kitchen fridges. Install combination locks for protection of chilled alcoholic beverages. Select appropriate combination.
Receive email from Olivia. Suggests fancy dress for party. Kiss. Smiley face. Respond requesting suitable theme ideas. Olivia responds accordingly. Burlesque. Too Cold. Bad Santa. Too Niche. Sound of Music. Perfect. Send immediate allstaff email detailing additional feature to entertainment. Receive immediate response from MD. CC’s allstaff. A bottle of Courvoisier for the most ‘pimped’ outfit. Oh dear. Note to find out what Courvoisier is.
That is all…
Receive email from Olivia. Suggests fancy dress for party. Kiss. Smiley face. Respond requesting suitable theme ideas. Olivia responds accordingly. Burlesque. Too Cold. Bad Santa. Too Niche. Sound of Music. Perfect. Send immediate allstaff email detailing additional feature to entertainment. Receive immediate response from MD. CC’s allstaff. A bottle of Courvoisier for the most ‘pimped’ outfit. Oh dear. Note to find out what Courvoisier is.
That is all…
Christmas Party Week – Day 2(1)
Olivia submits three Karaoke options. Hip-Hop. Too Niche. Full FX. Too Expensive. Drag. Too Overdressed. Instruct to keep looking.
That is all…
That is all…
Monday
Christmas Party Week - Day 1
MD reneges on entertainment policy. Party necessary for company moral. Last minute planning required. Personal moral at stake.
Date set. Budget agreed. Survey sent to ascertain thoughts and opinions on options for Christmas entertainment. Note to check validity of word “Christmas” against office Equal Opportunities Policy. Search for alternative description. Agree on three for use if “Christmas’” contravenes policy. Festive. End of Year. Winter.
Survey results:
Lunch. 3%
Dinner. 23%
Drinks in Office with “entertainment”. 74%
Policy indicates use of “Christmas” viable but suggests Xmas to be safe. Decide to use Xmas. Further decline of English grammar.
Enlist Olivia as Christmas/Xmas Party coordinator. Send immediate email to effect. Receive immediate response. More than happy to help. Kiss. Smiley Face. Suggest meeting to discuss plans. Receive “Cool” as response. Kiss. Smiley face. Suggest immediate action. Julia the Junior to cover reception duties.
Commandeer small meeting room. Flaunting room booking policy. Necessary evil. Urgent planning action required. Olivia arrives. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Outline budget. Outline results of survey. Olivia suggests minimal food maximum alcohol. Recall previous organised entertainment. Express reservations. Olivia suggests lack of alcohol lack of attendance. Think. Agree to more alcohol option. Food. Olivia suggest we “Go Katona” to keep costs down. Confused but trust judgement. Trust enthusiasm. Trust smile. Eliminate spirits from alcohol order. Recall previous organised entertainment. Put foot down. Beer. Wine. Soft drinks. Olivia to source. Entertainment decided. Karaoke. Equipment in office. Relocation of furniture in reception area. Note to draw up timeline for relocation prior to day of party. Olivia to source Karaoke supplier. Submit for approval. Reaffirm budget. Suggest Julia the Junior to “man bar” on night of party. Olivia advises of apparent drink problem. Reconsider.
That is all…
Date set. Budget agreed. Survey sent to ascertain thoughts and opinions on options for Christmas entertainment. Note to check validity of word “Christmas” against office Equal Opportunities Policy. Search for alternative description. Agree on three for use if “Christmas’” contravenes policy. Festive. End of Year. Winter.
Survey results:
Lunch. 3%
Dinner. 23%
Drinks in Office with “entertainment”. 74%
Policy indicates use of “Christmas” viable but suggests Xmas to be safe. Decide to use Xmas. Further decline of English grammar.
Enlist Olivia as Christmas/Xmas Party coordinator. Send immediate email to effect. Receive immediate response. More than happy to help. Kiss. Smiley Face. Suggest meeting to discuss plans. Receive “Cool” as response. Kiss. Smiley face. Suggest immediate action. Julia the Junior to cover reception duties.
Commandeer small meeting room. Flaunting room booking policy. Necessary evil. Urgent planning action required. Olivia arrives. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Outline budget. Outline results of survey. Olivia suggests minimal food maximum alcohol. Recall previous organised entertainment. Express reservations. Olivia suggests lack of alcohol lack of attendance. Think. Agree to more alcohol option. Food. Olivia suggest we “Go Katona” to keep costs down. Confused but trust judgement. Trust enthusiasm. Trust smile. Eliminate spirits from alcohol order. Recall previous organised entertainment. Put foot down. Beer. Wine. Soft drinks. Olivia to source. Entertainment decided. Karaoke. Equipment in office. Relocation of furniture in reception area. Note to draw up timeline for relocation prior to day of party. Olivia to source Karaoke supplier. Submit for approval. Reaffirm budget. Suggest Julia the Junior to “man bar” on night of party. Olivia advises of apparent drink problem. Reconsider.
That is all…
Budget Meeting
Budget meeting with MD. Finally. Arrive with report. Olivia already in meeting room. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Laughing with MD. Joking. Bonding. Eating biscuits. Note to refresh Olivia on meeting room policy regarding internal meetings and biscuit distribution. Enter room. Laughter stops. Meeting begins. Outline actual spend. Outline projected spend. Outline suggestions for potential savings. Highlight overspend on Julia the Junior. Outline 30% saving based on new supplier rostra. Outline projected savings related to tightening of internal policy. Highlight overspend on biscuits.
MD thinks.
MD asks Olivia opinion.
Olivia makes biscuit related joke. They laugh. I don’t.
MD has question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.
MD has further question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.
MD has further question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.
MD has question related to FAQ section of report. That was a joke. Apparently. He laughs. Olivia laughs. I attempt laugh. Emit squeak.
Meeting ends. MD leaves. Will “digest data.”
Remind Olivia of meeting policy relating to biscuits. Instruct her to clear meeting room. Set up for next meeting. She uses phone contacts Julia the Junior. Instructs Julia the Junior to clear meeting room. Set up for next meeting.
Note to review Olivia’s responsibilities.
Receive diarised reminder. Julia the Junior nearing end of probation period. Successful probation period = full term contract. Successful probation period subject to feedback and performance review. Non successful probation = immediate termination. Email Olivia to book meeting room.
That is all…
MD thinks.
MD asks Olivia opinion.
Olivia makes biscuit related joke. They laugh. I don’t.
MD has question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.
MD has further question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.
MD has further question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.
MD has question related to FAQ section of report. That was a joke. Apparently. He laughs. Olivia laughs. I attempt laugh. Emit squeak.
Meeting ends. MD leaves. Will “digest data.”
Remind Olivia of meeting policy relating to biscuits. Instruct her to clear meeting room. Set up for next meeting. She uses phone contacts Julia the Junior. Instructs Julia the Junior to clear meeting room. Set up for next meeting.
Note to review Olivia’s responsibilities.
Receive diarised reminder. Julia the Junior nearing end of probation period. Successful probation period = full term contract. Successful probation period subject to feedback and performance review. Non successful probation = immediate termination. Email Olivia to book meeting room.
That is all…
Sandwich Man Replacement
Meeting with potential new “Sandwich Man” – person to attend onsite and offer their wares to staff. Negates need to leave building. Decreases loss of time away from desk. Increases productivity. Provides limited outside exposure.
Current “Sandwich Man” distracting. Handsome. Big arms. Chiselled. Not conducive to working environment. Creates unnecessary fracas. Keen to dismiss. Olivia not.
Rep from “Yumm” displays “Yumm” menu. Investigate. Strange fillings. Strange flavours. No Cheese Savoury. Disappointed.
“Yumm” produces samples. Soggy. No crusts. Filling no descript. Organic. Crisps. Lobster flavour. Raise concern over personal allergy to shellfish. Lobster flavouring. No worries. Sample crisp. Feel strange. Throat tightens. Locate personal anti-histamine supply. Take pill. “Yumm” apologises. Too late. Get out.
That is all…
Current “Sandwich Man” distracting. Handsome. Big arms. Chiselled. Not conducive to working environment. Creates unnecessary fracas. Keen to dismiss. Olivia not.
Rep from “Yumm” displays “Yumm” menu. Investigate. Strange fillings. Strange flavours. No Cheese Savoury. Disappointed.
“Yumm” produces samples. Soggy. No crusts. Filling no descript. Organic. Crisps. Lobster flavour. Raise concern over personal allergy to shellfish. Lobster flavouring. No worries. Sample crisp. Feel strange. Throat tightens. Locate personal anti-histamine supply. Take pill. “Yumm” apologises. Too late. Get out.
That is all…
Thursday
Annual Leave Day
Annual leave. Rest day. Phone call 7.30am. Cleaners unable to gain access. Olivia not on site. Call Olivia. Answer phone. Leave message. Contact Keyholding company. Instruct agent to attend onsite. Allow access to cleaners. Agent calls. Access already granted. Olivia arrived 8am. No return call. Email Olivia expressing concern. Olivia responds. Transport trouble. Frowny face. Consult transport website. Website corroborates story. Respond accordingly. No punctuation expression.
Work on Policy Document and Budget Report for meeting with MD.
Phone call. Power outage. Contact landord and power supplier. Resolution.
Phone call. Telephones down. Instruct Olivia to reset router. Give step by step guide. Olivia responds. Back up and running. Smiley face. Respond pointing out Building Manual should be used for all eventualities. 250 pages of what to do. When to do it. Who to contact.
Phone call. Photocopier malfunction. Respond accordingly.
Phone call. Burglar alarm fault. Respond accordingly.
Phone call. Shower room flooded. Respond accordingly.
Phone silent. No calls.
Complete Budget Report.
Complete Policy Document.
Enjoy ‘Murder She Wrote’ box set.
That is all…
Work on Policy Document and Budget Report for meeting with MD.
Phone call. Power outage. Contact landord and power supplier. Resolution.
Phone call. Telephones down. Instruct Olivia to reset router. Give step by step guide. Olivia responds. Back up and running. Smiley face. Respond pointing out Building Manual should be used for all eventualities. 250 pages of what to do. When to do it. Who to contact.
Phone call. Photocopier malfunction. Respond accordingly.
Phone call. Burglar alarm fault. Respond accordingly.
Phone call. Shower room flooded. Respond accordingly.
Phone silent. No calls.
Complete Budget Report.
Complete Policy Document.
Enjoy ‘Murder She Wrote’ box set.
That is all…
Wednesday
Bookings. Policies and Expressive Punctuation
HR Policy reviews. New MD requires new employee handbook. All policies to be updated. All policies ARE updated. Particular attention given to termination and redundancy. Analysis of spend on salaries. Note to point out Junior Receptionist is overspend. Olivia’s promotion is overspend. Suggest begin analysing resources.
Prepare new Policy Document. Email PA to MD for meeting to discuss. MD returns email. Copies in Olivia. Olivia responds. Smiley face. I respond. Kiss. Unintentional. MD does not respond.
Email Olivia to book meeting room. No refreshments. Olivia responds. Copies in Julia the Junior. Asks her to book room. Smiley face. I asked her to book it! Respond to both demanding immediate booking. Julia the Junior responds. Taxi booked.Smiley face. Respond pointing out room booking not taxi. No smiley face. Julia the Junior responds. Taxi cancelled. Smiley winky face. Respond to both demanding update on booking. No smiley face. No smiley winky face. Julia the Junior responds. Room booked for Friday. Last month. Smiley face. Email Olivia direct. Tell her to book room. No smiley face. She responds copies in Julia the Junior. Bullet points procedure for booking room. Smiley face. Quicker to book herself! Julia the Junior responds. Room booked. Smiley face. Olivia responds. Smiley face. Note to revise internal email policy. Ban on facial expressions expressed through punctuation.
That is all…
Prepare new Policy Document. Email PA to MD for meeting to discuss. MD returns email. Copies in Olivia. Olivia responds. Smiley face. I respond. Kiss. Unintentional. MD does not respond.
Email Olivia to book meeting room. No refreshments. Olivia responds. Copies in Julia the Junior. Asks her to book room. Smiley face. I asked her to book it! Respond to both demanding immediate booking. Julia the Junior responds. Taxi booked.Smiley face. Respond pointing out room booking not taxi. No smiley face. Julia the Junior responds. Taxi cancelled. Smiley winky face. Respond to both demanding update on booking. No smiley face. No smiley winky face. Julia the Junior responds. Room booked for Friday. Last month. Smiley face. Email Olivia direct. Tell her to book room. No smiley face. She responds copies in Julia the Junior. Bullet points procedure for booking room. Smiley face. Quicker to book herself! Julia the Junior responds. Room booked. Smiley face. Olivia responds. Smiley face. Note to revise internal email policy. Ban on facial expressions expressed through punctuation.
That is all…
Reflection
Kitchen Plan. Kitchen Contract. Bike Policy. Kitchen Cam - CCTV on food preparation area. Fork Policy. Fork Contraband investigation. Spoon Policy. Meeting Room Policy. Crime. Security review. CCTV. Teabagger. Taxi Policy. Taxi review. Solenoid locks. Emergency Evacuation Drill...
Oh and Olivia.
Does it all mean anything?
Yes it does!
It's mine. It's my life. It's important.
That is all...
Oh and Olivia.
Does it all mean anything?
Yes it does!
It's mine. It's my life. It's important.
That is all...
Brief Update
Months pass. Many changes. Lots to report. Olivia promoted. Indifferent delight (for her).
Mistake.
Company structure reorganising. Employment in dispute. Assessment of budgets. Assessment of spend. Assessment of role. Wood for trees. No vision.
New MD. Responds to emails. Alot. Writes emails. Alot.
New junior receptionist. Not my choice. Olivia more senior. Not my choice. Olivia in Operations Meetings now. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Sharing with others. Wrong!
That is all...
Mistake.
Company structure reorganising. Employment in dispute. Assessment of budgets. Assessment of spend. Assessment of role. Wood for trees. No vision.
New MD. Responds to emails. Alot. Writes emails. Alot.
New junior receptionist. Not my choice. Olivia more senior. Not my choice. Olivia in Operations Meetings now. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Sharing with others. Wrong!
That is all...
Friday
Tuesday
Temp No Show Anger
Reception. Full day. No relief. No contact from Amber. No contact from Jen. No replacement for no show.
Meeting room bookings. Cab bookings. Courier bookings. Special requests. Cutlery requests. Sales calls. Official calls. Tidy reception. Meeting room setup. Meeting room tidy. Appreciate Olivia.
Receive email from Amber. Attempting to find replacement temp. No help. Contact secondary temp agency. Need to come in to discuss needs. Explain needs. Follow up with email. Will get back to me. Don't get back to me. No replacement.
Deliveries to sign for. Post to sort. Meetings to organise. Dan the man. Witty quips. Anger rising. Deep breaths. Count to ten. Receive call from Amber. Don't care for chit chat. Want result. Temp coming in tomorrow. No real experience. Close. Available. I accept.
Meeting room bookings. Cab bookings. Courier bookings. Special requests. Cutlery requests. Sales calls. Official calls. Tidy reception. Meeting room setup. Meeting room tidy. Appreciate Olivia.
Receive email from Amber. Attempting to find replacement temp. No help. Contact secondary temp agency. Need to come in to discuss needs. Explain needs. Follow up with email. Will get back to me. Don't get back to me. No replacement.
Deliveries to sign for. Post to sort. Meetings to organise. Dan the man. Witty quips. Anger rising. Deep breaths. Count to ten. Receive call from Amber. Don't care for chit chat. Want result. Temp coming in tomorrow. No real experience. Close. Available. I accept.
Monday
Temp No Show
Onsite early. Await Rachel - temp cover for Olivia. Think of Olivia enjoying beach related activities. Smile. Rachel - temp cover for Olivia late. Prepare handover notes. Rearrange notes. Still no show. Call Amber. Recruitment consultant. No answer. Leave a message. Express concern at lack of Rachel presence. Continue with further concerns. Beep. Cut off. annoyed. Receive call from Jen. Colleague of Amber. Excitable voice. Sounds out of breath. Talks too fast. Apologies for mixup. Rachel booked in for following week. Express concern at mixup. Double checked booking. note to forward emails as proof. Need immediate replacement. Non available. Unacceptable. Will call back with options. Demand options within an hour. Settle on reception. Consult handover notes. Think of beach related Olivia.
Friday
Handover Meeting
Provide jug of water. Two glasses. Olivia handover meeting. Purchase own Chocolate Digestive biscuits. Get holiday feeling started.
Olivia enters. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. No need for tan. Perfect already. Comment? I decide not. No formal issues arising. No outstanding issues needing attention. Congratulate Olivia on excellent handover. Offer biscuit. Looks suspicious. Inform they are own supply. She smiles. I smile. Say I can produce receipt. She laughs. Sweet laugh. Enquire after holiday. Going with group of friends. Male and female. Good friends. Looking forward to sun. Sand. Sea. I stop her there. No need for more information. Wish her Bon Voyage. Request postcard. Joke. She goes. Packs up things. Says goodbye. Hope for postcard.
That is all…
Olivia enters. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. No need for tan. Perfect already. Comment? I decide not. No formal issues arising. No outstanding issues needing attention. Congratulate Olivia on excellent handover. Offer biscuit. Looks suspicious. Inform they are own supply. She smiles. I smile. Say I can produce receipt. She laughs. Sweet laugh. Enquire after holiday. Going with group of friends. Male and female. Good friends. Looking forward to sun. Sand. Sea. I stop her there. No need for more information. Wish her Bon Voyage. Request postcard. Joke. She goes. Packs up things. Says goodbye. Hope for postcard.
That is all…
Temp Confirmed
Receive phone call from Amber. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Amber. Requested temp is available and excited about following week. Rachel will start 8.15am Monday. Usual hours 8.30 start. Extra fifteen minutes for handover and induction. Dress. Smart casual. Reiterate to Amber. Should Rachel prove unsuitable immediate replacement to be installed. Preferential list obvious from selection process. Amber agrees.
Decorating consumables arrive. Inspect delivery. Received twenty Painters Bib & Brace Deep pouch rubber button front pocket. Angled breast patch pocket. Back patch pocket. Rule pocket. Rubber button waist adjustment. Strong plastic snap fastening. Still only charged for one. Administrative error in our favour. Will save £12 per future decorating and manual labour activities. Quite a windfall. Like winning the lottery. Painting an Decorating lottery.
That is all…
Decorating consumables arrive. Inspect delivery. Received twenty Painters Bib & Brace Deep pouch rubber button front pocket. Angled breast patch pocket. Back patch pocket. Rule pocket. Rubber button waist adjustment. Strong plastic snap fastening. Still only charged for one. Administrative error in our favour. Will save £12 per future decorating and manual labour activities. Quite a windfall. Like winning the lottery. Painting an Decorating lottery.
That is all…
Thursday
Temp Selection. Handover Notes.
Receive update handover notes from Olivia. Previous notes on notes have been actioned. Review. Impressive. Additional information added further to notes. Job well done. Respond accordingly to Olivia. Instruct Olivia to put in time Friday PM to discuss any handover issues.
Weigh up four potential temp replacements for Olivia. Make ordered selection. Send immediate email to Amber with preferred list. Receive immediate phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Amber. Enthused about decision. Will check availability. Get back to me. Could have said as much in email. Very excited to be helping. Get on with it!
That is all…
Weigh up four potential temp replacements for Olivia. Make ordered selection. Send immediate email to Amber with preferred list. Receive immediate phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Amber. Enthused about decision. Will check availability. Get back to me. Could have said as much in email. Very excited to be helping. Get on with it!
That is all…
Olivia Handover Notes. Decorating Plan.
Receive references from Amber. Added note to give her a “shout” if more info required. No need to shout. Capable of reading references.
Receive email from Olivia. Handover notes attached. Review handover notes. Make notes on handover notes. Return to Olivia. Request notes on handover notes to be actioned by PM.
Action purchase of decorating consumables. Safety goggles. Provide impact protection from large particles due to tough polycarbonate lenses. All-round ventilation reduces fogging. Adjustable strap. Disposable low-density polythene dust sheet (LDPE). Thin clear polythene sheeting suitable for use once then thrown away. Purchase 10. Painters Bib & Brace Deep pouch rubber button front pocket. Angled breast patch pocket. Back patch pocket. Rule pocket. Rubber button waist adjustment. Strong plastic snap fastening. Overkill on pockets. Black plastic roller tray. 9 inches. Purchase four. 5 piece top quality professional paint & varnish brushes. Made with pure black bristle. Mix of SRT for improved performance. Natural wood, beaver tail handle with stainless steel ferrule. Nice tools. Branded trade diamond brilliant white matt emulsion. 5 litre cans. Purchase 10. Note to comply with COSHH regulations. Masking tape 25mm x 50m roll. Purchase 10 rolls. Project Decorate has a green light.
That is all…
Receive email from Olivia. Handover notes attached. Review handover notes. Make notes on handover notes. Return to Olivia. Request notes on handover notes to be actioned by PM.
Action purchase of decorating consumables. Safety goggles. Provide impact protection from large particles due to tough polycarbonate lenses. All-round ventilation reduces fogging. Adjustable strap. Disposable low-density polythene dust sheet (LDPE). Thin clear polythene sheeting suitable for use once then thrown away. Purchase 10. Painters Bib & Brace Deep pouch rubber button front pocket. Angled breast patch pocket. Back patch pocket. Rule pocket. Rubber button waist adjustment. Strong plastic snap fastening. Overkill on pockets. Black plastic roller tray. 9 inches. Purchase four. 5 piece top quality professional paint & varnish brushes. Made with pure black bristle. Mix of SRT for improved performance. Natural wood, beaver tail handle with stainless steel ferrule. Nice tools. Branded trade diamond brilliant white matt emulsion. 5 litre cans. Purchase 10. Note to comply with COSHH regulations. Masking tape 25mm x 50m roll. Purchase 10 rolls. Project Decorate has a green light.
That is all…
Wednesday
Fork Fallout Continues. Office Move Meeting.
Office Move Meeting. Wait 30 minutes past start time. Nobody attends. Disappointed. Return to desk. Begin email to Managing Director. No need. Receive email from Managing Director regarding office move and office move meeting. Plans put on hold for foreseeable future. Respond accordingly. File plans in blue sky projects folder. Email Olivia to clear secondary boardroom. Instruct to return biscuits to biscuit store. Note to check all biscuits were returned.
Continuing stream of emails regarding forks. Continue responding that Dan the Man is point of contact. Receive email from Daniel. Dan the man. Congratulates me on winning the battle. Email meant in good humour. Received as such. Respond pointing out importance of order in abnormally small kitchen. Receive response agreeing with stance. Contraband fork battle over.
For now.
That is all…
Continuing stream of emails regarding forks. Continue responding that Dan the Man is point of contact. Receive email from Daniel. Dan the man. Congratulates me on winning the battle. Email meant in good humour. Received as such. Respond pointing out importance of order in abnormally small kitchen. Receive response agreeing with stance. Contraband fork battle over.
For now.
That is all…
Fork Fallout. Temp CVs.
Receive email from Amber regarding temp replacement for Olivia during annual leave. No CVs attached. Respond accordingly. Receive immediate phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Amber. Having one of those days. Hilarious. Just send CVs now. Receive email with CV attachments. Begin review. Impressive selection. Select four within budgeted salary range. Request references.
Prepare secondary boardroom for Office Move Meeting. Abandon usual Internal Meeting Biscuit Policy and provide plain Digestive biscuits along with tea and coffee. Prep audiovisual equipment for presentation of prospective floor layouts and move initiative.
Inbox flooded with fork requests and queries. Respond suggesting Dan the man is relevant point of contact.
That is all…
Prepare secondary boardroom for Office Move Meeting. Abandon usual Internal Meeting Biscuit Policy and provide plain Digestive biscuits along with tea and coffee. Prep audiovisual equipment for presentation of prospective floor layouts and move initiative.
Inbox flooded with fork requests and queries. Respond suggesting Dan the man is relevant point of contact.
That is all…
Tuesday
Kitchen Plan
Update company holiday database with Olivia’s details. Instruct Olivia to make necessary arrangements on personal timesheet computer programme.
Contact recruitment agency on PSL (preferred supplier list) give point by point requirement of right candidate. Immediately receive phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Named Amber. Dislike name. Called for a chat. Don’t want a chat. Discuss needs. Needs detailed in email just sent. Tell more about role. They recruited Olivia. Should know role inside out. Will have a think. Ping some ideas across. Tempted to point out Ping is a radar term. Decide against it. Going to find me a star. Just get on with it. Dislike recruitment consultants.
Email Olivia to begin work on comprehensive handover document for prospective temp. Include step by step guide to daily tasks. Good to remind Olivia of own role. Instruct to be ready for review by Thursday AM. Sidenote to observe kitchen whilst Olivia on leave. Teabagging occurs on average three times every two weeks. One third of occasions there is a 200 percent increase in teabag residue. Teabagging occurred today. If Olivia is teabagger occasion will not arise for two weeks from today. Gives three day cross over period. Guilt could be proved. Guilt could be disproved.
Daniel. Dan the man. Evening plan formulated. Operation Fork Contraband in action. Instruct cleaners to collect all forks. Wash and sanitise. Leave in plastic container supplied. Attend onsite after stated cleaning hours. Alone. Locate luxury muesli packet. Obtain contraband fork supply. Secure contraband fork supply. Secure regular fork supply. Replace contraband fork supply with calling card from “Forkman of the Apocalypse.” I smile.
That is all…
Contact recruitment agency on PSL (preferred supplier list) give point by point requirement of right candidate. Immediately receive phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Named Amber. Dislike name. Called for a chat. Don’t want a chat. Discuss needs. Needs detailed in email just sent. Tell more about role. They recruited Olivia. Should know role inside out. Will have a think. Ping some ideas across. Tempted to point out Ping is a radar term. Decide against it. Going to find me a star. Just get on with it. Dislike recruitment consultants.
Email Olivia to begin work on comprehensive handover document for prospective temp. Include step by step guide to daily tasks. Good to remind Olivia of own role. Instruct to be ready for review by Thursday AM. Sidenote to observe kitchen whilst Olivia on leave. Teabagging occurs on average three times every two weeks. One third of occasions there is a 200 percent increase in teabag residue. Teabagging occurred today. If Olivia is teabagger occasion will not arise for two weeks from today. Gives three day cross over period. Guilt could be proved. Guilt could be disproved.
Daniel. Dan the man. Evening plan formulated. Operation Fork Contraband in action. Instruct cleaners to collect all forks. Wash and sanitise. Leave in plastic container supplied. Attend onsite after stated cleaning hours. Alone. Locate luxury muesli packet. Obtain contraband fork supply. Secure contraband fork supply. Secure regular fork supply. Replace contraband fork supply with calling card from “Forkman of the Apocalypse.” I smile.
That is all…
Kitchen Revolution
Enter kitchen. Anger. Four teabags present in sink. Teabagger strikes with vigour. Observe office. Olivia indifferent. Guilty looks non existent. Immediately log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Excitement. Rerun footage from early morning to present. Kitchen busy. Unable to ascertain teabagger identity. Kitchen cam has failed. Observe further footage. Teabagger still unattainable. Note to move position of Kitchen Cam. Note to engage secondary Kitchen Cam closer to sink. Wait. Observe. Breakthrough. Contraband fork evidence obtained. Daniel. Dan the man. Client services department. Unmasked. Footage displays contraband forks kept in luxury muesli packet. Middle cupboard. Top shelf. Dishing out forks. Willy nilly. Screen grab images of offending actions. Begin allstaffer. Paste screen grabs of offending actions in body of message. Wait. Think. Delete allstaffer draft. Don’t send. Play game. Outsmart. Win.
Receive email from Olivia requesting ten days annual leave beginning following Monday. Exciting deal found. Winter sun. Apologies for short notice. Company holiday policy states that two weeks notice must be given before booking holiday. In operations department suitable checks must be made with all other departments to ascertain needs over period of absence. If heightened operations attention needed over period of absence annual leave request should be denied. Think. Present period traditionally quiet. Feeling buoyant. Please Olivia is not purveyor of contraband forks. Approve request. Enquire as to destination. Out of interest. Thailand. Beach resort. Looking forward to tanning. Dusting off bikini. Interesting. Respond saying look forward to seeing her new tan. Immediately regret sending. Responds with smiley face. I smile.
That is all…
Receive email from Olivia requesting ten days annual leave beginning following Monday. Exciting deal found. Winter sun. Apologies for short notice. Company holiday policy states that two weeks notice must be given before booking holiday. In operations department suitable checks must be made with all other departments to ascertain needs over period of absence. If heightened operations attention needed over period of absence annual leave request should be denied. Think. Present period traditionally quiet. Feeling buoyant. Please Olivia is not purveyor of contraband forks. Approve request. Enquire as to destination. Out of interest. Thailand. Beach resort. Looking forward to tanning. Dusting off bikini. Interesting. Respond saying look forward to seeing her new tan. Immediately regret sending. Responds with smiley face. I smile.
That is all…
Monday
Decorating Action Plan
Make executive decision RE work experience placement candidate scheme. Akil pick of bad bunch. Scheme abandoned for this year. Revisit with reconsidered approach. Place more emphasis on selection process.
Receive decorating work quote from Suit Decorator. Quick response impressive. Quote not impressive. Make further executive decision to tackle work personally. Clear personal diary for this weekend. Cancel appointments in favour of work. No appointments to cancel. Task simple.
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA regarding Office Move Meeting concerns. Managing Director is concerned no progress made on “getting something in the diary.” Anger. Respond copying in Managing Director explaining progress has been made. Forward on previous email responses to moving of meeting. Forward on previous emails relating to office move formula and process.
Receive Out of Office response from Managing Director’s PA and Managing Director. Forward all correspondence including responses to outsourced IT Manager. Receive Out of Office from outsourced IT Manager. Observe outsourced IT Manager is seated directly opposite from my position. On the phone. Approach in person. Demand resolution.
That is all…
Receive decorating work quote from Suit Decorator. Quick response impressive. Quote not impressive. Make further executive decision to tackle work personally. Clear personal diary for this weekend. Cancel appointments in favour of work. No appointments to cancel. Task simple.
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA regarding Office Move Meeting concerns. Managing Director is concerned no progress made on “getting something in the diary.” Anger. Respond copying in Managing Director explaining progress has been made. Forward on previous email responses to moving of meeting. Forward on previous emails relating to office move formula and process.
Receive Out of Office response from Managing Director’s PA and Managing Director. Forward all correspondence including responses to outsourced IT Manager. Receive Out of Office from outsourced IT Manager. Observe outsourced IT Manager is seated directly opposite from my position. On the phone. Approach in person. Demand resolution.
That is all…
Akil Absent – Decorating Plan
No Akil. No work experience placement replacement. Receive emails regarding Akil’s absence. Respond accordingly. Not fulfilling work experience placement criteria. Poor attitude. Not right for company ethos. Dispatched accordingly. Send immediate allstaffer referring the Akil’s departure to quash insurgent emails. Point out security changes following departure. Alarm code. Door entry code.
Painter and decorator appointment. Redecorating following damp damage. Need to obtain quote. Painter and decorator in suit. Attempt to promote professional approach. Doesn’t work. Tie inconsistent with suit pattern. Tour areas needing attention. Inform job specifications and requirements. Makes notes. Slight nervous tick. Unnerving. Distracting.
Receive email from Olivia regarding Akil investigation. Betrayal of work experience placement candidate continues. Point out Akil was keen to assist with investigation. Got carried away. Another reason Akil dispatched. All staff viewed as suspects. Olivia appeased.
That is all…
Painter and decorator appointment. Redecorating following damp damage. Need to obtain quote. Painter and decorator in suit. Attempt to promote professional approach. Doesn’t work. Tie inconsistent with suit pattern. Tour areas needing attention. Inform job specifications and requirements. Makes notes. Slight nervous tick. Unnerving. Distracting.
Receive email from Olivia regarding Akil investigation. Betrayal of work experience placement candidate continues. Point out Akil was keen to assist with investigation. Got carried away. Another reason Akil dispatched. All staff viewed as suspects. Olivia appeased.
That is all…
Friday
Akil First Week Feedback
Organise and attend one to one with Akil to give initial feedback on first week of work experience placement. Consult original emails from Akil detailing ambitions and expectations to be obtained and achieved through work experience placement. Consult transcript made of original telephone interview. Cross reference said ambitions and expectations with actual achievements. Note 53 percent uptake in achievement. Respectable start. Make reference to impeccable basement storage inventory. Make particular mention of colour coding used. First rate. Professional standard.
Move to other projects. Express disappointment with lack of movement with contraband fork investigation. Express increased disappointment with lack of surveillance on Olivia’s tea-making habits. Suggest personal feelings have clouded judgement. Akil refuses to spy on Olivia. Feels morally compromised. Suggest that moral compromise necessary for completion of work experience placement. Akil angry. Attempt compromise. Akil not interested. Express importance for negotiation in adult working life. Not interested. Express disappointment in declining attitude. Decide to terminate work experience placement.
That is all…
Move to other projects. Express disappointment with lack of movement with contraband fork investigation. Express increased disappointment with lack of surveillance on Olivia’s tea-making habits. Suggest personal feelings have clouded judgement. Akil refuses to spy on Olivia. Feels morally compromised. Suggest that moral compromise necessary for completion of work experience placement. Akil angry. Attempt compromise. Akil not interested. Express importance for negotiation in adult working life. Not interested. Express disappointment in declining attitude. Decide to terminate work experience placement.
That is all…
Meeting Moved
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond pointing out that this is a repeat email. Again. Forward email from yesterday regarding frustration at continuing movement of Office Move Meeting. Add addendum at frustration of receiving repeat emails and no firm answer regarding queries raised.
Receive out of office reply.
That is all…
Receive out of office reply.
That is all…
Thursday
Office Move update
Still no response RE taxi feedback. Send follow up allstaffer regarding importance of feedback in situation. All affected. No time to be indifferent. Expect limited response.
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond pointing out that a). This email has already been received. B). Frustration at continuing movement and insecurity of meeting. Important topic. Needs to be discussed. Additional growth needs to be acted upon asap. Attached received notification. Await response. None.
Observe Olivia and Akil sharing joke. Sharing banter. Observe Akil sharing joke and banter with other staff. Akil invited to Thursday pub session. Personal invite lacking. Contemplate going to pub anyway. Decide against. No invite. No welcome.
That is all…
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond pointing out that a). This email has already been received. B). Frustration at continuing movement and insecurity of meeting. Important topic. Needs to be discussed. Additional growth needs to be acted upon asap. Attached received notification. Await response. None.
Observe Olivia and Akil sharing joke. Sharing banter. Observe Akil sharing joke and banter with other staff. Akil invited to Thursday pub session. Personal invite lacking. Contemplate going to pub anyway. Decide against. No invite. No welcome.
That is all…
Taxi Update
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Send out immediate allstaffer with questionnaire referring to new taxi company. Bid to ascertain passenger satisfaction after one months service. Range of possible ratings for differing areas relating to personal and client transportation. Punctuality. Cleanliness of vehicle. Suitability of vehicle. Performance of vehicle. Performance of driver. Aptitude of driver. Cleanliness of driver. Furhter section to compare and contrast trialed firm with incumbent.
Receive email from Bald Goatee. Incumbent taxi company account manager. Monthly billing clearly shows lack of action. Apologises for not “coming back to me” sooner. Wishes to resolve issues as soon as possible. Three weeks after meeting! Respond informing Bald Goatee of trial with new company. Express concern of three week meeting feedback lead time. Question punctuality and dedication of incumbent taxi firm. Inform Bald Goatee “jury is out” on new company. Will respond accordingly upon receipt of sufficient feedback on trialed company. Note to feedback to Spikey goatee.
Inspect basement storage with newly categorised inventory. All present. All correct. Note to congratulate Akil on detail.
That is all…
Send out immediate allstaffer with questionnaire referring to new taxi company. Bid to ascertain passenger satisfaction after one months service. Range of possible ratings for differing areas relating to personal and client transportation. Punctuality. Cleanliness of vehicle. Suitability of vehicle. Performance of vehicle. Performance of driver. Aptitude of driver. Cleanliness of driver. Furhter section to compare and contrast trialed firm with incumbent.
Receive email from Bald Goatee. Incumbent taxi company account manager. Monthly billing clearly shows lack of action. Apologises for not “coming back to me” sooner. Wishes to resolve issues as soon as possible. Three weeks after meeting! Respond informing Bald Goatee of trial with new company. Express concern of three week meeting feedback lead time. Question punctuality and dedication of incumbent taxi firm. Inform Bald Goatee “jury is out” on new company. Will respond accordingly upon receipt of sufficient feedback on trialed company. Note to feedback to Spikey goatee.
Inspect basement storage with newly categorised inventory. All present. All correct. Note to congratulate Akil on detail.
That is all…
Wednesday
Hat returned. Fork Contraband Investigation.
Desk abandoned. Use stealth. Use cunning. Use time. Wisely. Identify what needs to be found. Office fork supply distinguishable by layered inverted crescent design. Contraband fork smooth double rim effect. Offending tea bag pyramid shape. Office supply round. Attack drawers. Keep below reception desk. Out of eyeline. Notice dust on floor. Note to email Man in the Scarf regarding dust negligence. Note to increase scope of cleaning inspection. Phone rings. Panic. Divert. Panic avoided. Desk approached. Finance junior. Crouch low. Finance junior departs. Quicken pace. Look through drawer. Nothing. Look through another drawer. Nothing. No evidence. Time running out. Stationery drawer. Nothing. No offending knives. No offending teabags. Olivia’s laugh. Sweet laugh. Panic. Abandon search. Retreat. Nothing.
Roof repair complete. Invoice produced. Hat returned. Shouty Shorts snatches back. Placid brummy silent. Inspect roof. Impressive. Note to get quote for redecorating damp areas. Potential weekend work. Shouty Shorts leaves.
Akil produces inventory. Detailed. Cross referenced. Colour coded. Nice. Boy will go far. Faith he will prevail with evidence after all.
That is all…
Roof repair complete. Invoice produced. Hat returned. Shouty Shorts snatches back. Placid brummy silent. Inspect roof. Impressive. Note to get quote for redecorating damp areas. Potential weekend work. Shouty Shorts leaves.
Akil produces inventory. Detailed. Cross referenced. Colour coded. Nice. Boy will go far. Faith he will prevail with evidence after all.
That is all…
Crime follow up and Roof Repair
Onsite early. Shouty Shorts arrives. Requests hat. Hat and Shorts reunited after completion of job. Shouty Shorts joined by Placid Brummy. Shouty Shorts shouts. Placid Brummy not appearing to listen. Show them to roof. Unlock door. Take care with new Redlam Compatible Cermam Tube Break Bolt.
Receive call from Olivia. Local Police representative in reception. Make joke her time is up. She laughs. I laugh. Only half joking. Contraband Fork investigation will prove joke to be real. No laughing then.
Laughing policeman. Too jolly. Crime has been committed. We share the same name. He laughs. I don’t. Show CCTV footage. Make copy. Submit evidence. PC Jolly requests tour of building. Assess building security. Proactive approach. Impressive.
Side alleyway. Needs gate with rolling razor wire. Front gate needs reinforced lock. Windows need security film. Alarm needs upgrading. More sensors. More break points. Make notes. CCTV fine. Possible need for smart water. Motion activated smoke alarm. Note to investigate both. Note to draw up security improvement plan. Note to consult Operations Budget. Note to request additional Security Operations Budget. PC Jolly gives card. Points out his name. Laughs that we have same name. He’s done that joke!
Observe Olivia and Akil. Talking. Laughing. Request inventory for basement storage. Akil returns to computer. Set deadline. Olivia sets up meeting. Reception unmanned. Note to liaise with finance office junior for manning of reception when left unmanned so manned all the time. By girls. Olivia away. Investigate for evidence.
That is all…
Receive call from Olivia. Local Police representative in reception. Make joke her time is up. She laughs. I laugh. Only half joking. Contraband Fork investigation will prove joke to be real. No laughing then.
Laughing policeman. Too jolly. Crime has been committed. We share the same name. He laughs. I don’t. Show CCTV footage. Make copy. Submit evidence. PC Jolly requests tour of building. Assess building security. Proactive approach. Impressive.
Side alleyway. Needs gate with rolling razor wire. Front gate needs reinforced lock. Windows need security film. Alarm needs upgrading. More sensors. More break points. Make notes. CCTV fine. Possible need for smart water. Motion activated smoke alarm. Note to investigate both. Note to draw up security improvement plan. Note to consult Operations Budget. Note to request additional Security Operations Budget. PC Jolly gives card. Points out his name. Laughs that we have same name. He’s done that joke!
Observe Olivia and Akil. Talking. Laughing. Request inventory for basement storage. Akil returns to computer. Set deadline. Olivia sets up meeting. Reception unmanned. Note to liaise with finance office junior for manning of reception when left unmanned so manned all the time. By girls. Olivia away. Investigate for evidence.
That is all…
Tuesday
Crime
Receive urgent email from member of staff. Great personal loss. Victim of crime. Front bike light stolen. Bikes stored in bike racks in front courtyard. Covered by CCTV. Commence investigation.
Interview member of staff. Ascertain rough time front bike light stolen.
Log into building CCTV system. Select camera relevant. Input time and date parameters. Review footage. 8.11am. Member of staff arrives. Secures bike. Adjusts trousers. Enters building. 8.16am. Second member of staff arrives. On foot. Talking on telephone. 8.23am. Hooded youth enters front courtyard. Looks around. Observes bikes in bike rack. Quickly identifies target. Steals forward. Steals light. 8.28. Retreats to street. Five minutes flat. Impressive. Log into secondary camera near street. East facing. No footage. Suggests hooded youth absconded in westerly direction.
Inform local Safer Neighbourhoods Policing Team. Note irony of name. Obtain crime reference number. Furnish member of staff with crime reference number for insurance purposes. Screen grab image of hooded youth. send out immediate allstaffer with image urging vigilance. Include brief recommendations for bike safety.
Receive several emails requesting bike haven inside office. Reject requests. Bike Policy remains. Violators of policy will have their bikes clamped. Possibly removed to front courtyard with no lock.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Interview member of staff. Ascertain rough time front bike light stolen.
Log into building CCTV system. Select camera relevant. Input time and date parameters. Review footage. 8.11am. Member of staff arrives. Secures bike. Adjusts trousers. Enters building. 8.16am. Second member of staff arrives. On foot. Talking on telephone. 8.23am. Hooded youth enters front courtyard. Looks around. Observes bikes in bike rack. Quickly identifies target. Steals forward. Steals light. 8.28. Retreats to street. Five minutes flat. Impressive. Log into secondary camera near street. East facing. No footage. Suggests hooded youth absconded in westerly direction.
Inform local Safer Neighbourhoods Policing Team. Note irony of name. Obtain crime reference number. Furnish member of staff with crime reference number for insurance purposes. Screen grab image of hooded youth. send out immediate allstaffer with image urging vigilance. Include brief recommendations for bike safety.
Receive several emails requesting bike haven inside office. Reject requests. Bike Policy remains. Violators of policy will have their bikes clamped. Possibly removed to front courtyard with no lock.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Securing Roof Access
Locksmith onsite. Tiny Italian. All hands. Make for roof. Examines door. Point out need for emergency exit in case of fire. Aware of fact. Decide on installation of Redlam Compatible Cermam Tube Break Bolt. Bolt secured with padlock. Ceram tube broken in case of emergency exit. Great product. Installation interrupted. Tiny Italian receives call. Shouts in foreign. Waves arms. Hangs up. Back to installation. No explanation. Finishes. Firm handshake.
Observe Akil making tea for Olivia. Not happy. Plan is for Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Not become one of them. Note to bring this up in daily feedback session. Note to mention feedback was not sufficient from previous session. Still no supporting evidence. Suspect Akil is switching loyalty. Observe Akil smiling. Observe Olivia smiling.
Investigate motion detection devices for Kitchen Cam security.
Instruct Akil to audit basement storage area. Require full inventory of stored items. In detail. Full days work.
That is all…
Observe Akil making tea for Olivia. Not happy. Plan is for Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Not become one of them. Note to bring this up in daily feedback session. Note to mention feedback was not sufficient from previous session. Still no supporting evidence. Suspect Akil is switching loyalty. Observe Akil smiling. Observe Olivia smiling.
Investigate motion detection devices for Kitchen Cam security.
Instruct Akil to audit basement storage area. Require full inventory of stored items. In detail. Full days work.
That is all…
Monday
Roofer Negotiation
Receive call from Shouting Shorts. Deaf roofer. Enquiring after lost hat. Inform that is has been tagged and bagged. Lost property. Requests return of hat via Royal Mail. Point out collection of hat can be made when job complete. May not be back onsite for three weeks. No hat for three weeks. Will come in Wednesday AM. Negotiation successful. Hat hostage key to resolution.
Note to complete securing of roof access. Wind earlier lifted cigarette butts. They fell to ground. Rain of cancer. Not good image for company. Contact locksmith. Book in for Tuesday AM
Akil infiltrating Olivia. Very friendly. Laughter. See flaw in earlier plan. Akil set to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Teabags and tea related equipment removed from kitchen and secured. Note to restore kitchen stocks tomorrow AM. Wait in anticipation for Akil’s report. Hoping for progress on Contraband Fork investigation.
Receive hoards of emails regarding missing tea and tea making equipment. Receive 30 percent less emails regarding coffee and coffee related equipment. Suggests tea favourable beverage of office. Note to decrease coffee supply order by 30 percent. Note to increase tea supply order accordingly. Note to audit sugar and sweetener.
That is all…
Note to complete securing of roof access. Wind earlier lifted cigarette butts. They fell to ground. Rain of cancer. Not good image for company. Contact locksmith. Book in for Tuesday AM
Akil infiltrating Olivia. Very friendly. Laughter. See flaw in earlier plan. Akil set to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Teabags and tea related equipment removed from kitchen and secured. Note to restore kitchen stocks tomorrow AM. Wait in anticipation for Akil’s report. Hoping for progress on Contraband Fork investigation.
Receive hoards of emails regarding missing tea and tea making equipment. Receive 30 percent less emails regarding coffee and coffee related equipment. Suggests tea favourable beverage of office. Note to decrease coffee supply order by 30 percent. Note to increase tea supply order accordingly. Note to audit sugar and sweetener.
That is all…
Akil and Bagging the Teabags
Arrive early. Office empty. Have instructed successful work experience placement candidate, Akil to be onsite. He arrives. Popeye arms. Muscle man. Weak handshake. Disappointed. Keen to start. Postpone Health and Safety induction. Make for kitchen. Attack storage cupboards with vigour. Remove all teabag and tea related equipment. Remove all coffee and coffee related equipment. Contact local shop. Cancel milk order. Akil assists. Confused. Useful. Secure tea and tea related equipment. Secure coffee and coffee related equipment. Send immediate allstaffer reemphasising Kitchen Hygiene Policy. Lay blame at feet of teabagger. Imagine Olivia’s reaction.
Conduct Health and Safety induction with Akil. Show fire exit routes and fire assembly point. Make joke about assembly point being opposite pub not in it. No laughter. Serious. Good. Explain importance of Health and Safety in work place. Relate story of disastrous full emergency evacuation drill.
Set up Akil with computer. Desk. Phone. Brief Akil on duties relating to work. Brief Akil on Olivia surveillance. Confused. Agrees. Plan engaged.
Olivia enters. I watch. Takes off coat. I watch. Switches on computer. I watch. Moves to kitchen. I watch. Opens cupboard. I watch. Looks for tea. I watch. Can’t find tea. I smile.
That is all…
Conduct Health and Safety induction with Akil. Show fire exit routes and fire assembly point. Make joke about assembly point being opposite pub not in it. No laughter. Serious. Good. Explain importance of Health and Safety in work place. Relate story of disastrous full emergency evacuation drill.
Set up Akil with computer. Desk. Phone. Brief Akil on duties relating to work. Brief Akil on Olivia surveillance. Confused. Agrees. Plan engaged.
Olivia enters. I watch. Takes off coat. I watch. Switches on computer. I watch. Moves to kitchen. I watch. Opens cupboard. I watch. Looks for tea. I watch. Can’t find tea. I smile.
That is all…
Friday
Work Experience and Teabagger
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Receive call from one of two potential work experience placement candidates. Akil. Very keen. Very eager. Unavailable for pre-arranged interview due to gastric flu. Questionable. Response to interview questions rated medium to impressive. Free ASAP. Could be tool in Contraband Fork investigation. Possible to team him up with Olivia when not needed by me. Keen to experience role. Willing to go out of remit when required. No job too small. Willing to work for travel reimbursement. Lives close. Travel reimbursement cost minimal. Way under budget. Engage services. To begin Monday AM.
Receive call from second of two potential work experience placement candidates. Lucy. Called too late. Not interested. Goodbye.
Anger. Kitchen hygiene has been violated. Teabag left in sink. Unacceptable. Blatant disregard for Kitchen Hygiene. Log into Kitchen Cam CCTV on food preparation area. Blank screen. Network feed not interrupted. Investigate. Piece of White 80gsm A4 paper secure in front of lens with Blue Tac. Remove paper. Remove Blue Tac. Remove slight grease residue of Blue Tac from wall. More anger. Teabag and lens obscuration blatant personal attack. Wait. Think. Revenge.
Note to assign Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits.
That is all…
Receive call from one of two potential work experience placement candidates. Akil. Very keen. Very eager. Unavailable for pre-arranged interview due to gastric flu. Questionable. Response to interview questions rated medium to impressive. Free ASAP. Could be tool in Contraband Fork investigation. Possible to team him up with Olivia when not needed by me. Keen to experience role. Willing to go out of remit when required. No job too small. Willing to work for travel reimbursement. Lives close. Travel reimbursement cost minimal. Way under budget. Engage services. To begin Monday AM.
Receive call from second of two potential work experience placement candidates. Lucy. Called too late. Not interested. Goodbye.
Anger. Kitchen hygiene has been violated. Teabag left in sink. Unacceptable. Blatant disregard for Kitchen Hygiene. Log into Kitchen Cam CCTV on food preparation area. Blank screen. Network feed not interrupted. Investigate. Piece of White 80gsm A4 paper secure in front of lens with Blue Tac. Remove paper. Remove Blue Tac. Remove slight grease residue of Blue Tac from wall. More anger. Teabag and lens obscuration blatant personal attack. Wait. Think. Revenge.
Note to assign Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits.
That is all…
Roof
Roofer onsite. In shorts. It’s winter. Long grey beard. Woolly hat. Shouts. Definitely deaf. Take tour of damp areas. Minor downpour previous evening providing fresh evidence of problem. Single Ply Roofing prone to leaks. Abscond for further investigation. Shorts clears stones. Investigates Polyurethane Membrane. Shorts shouts that possible breach has occurred. Microscopic holes caused by pressure from stones on Polyurethane Membrane. Pressure caused by people walking one stones. Observe used cigarette evidence suggesting area being used as break area. Note to send immediate allstaffer regarding roof access contravening Health and Safety policy. Disciplinary action for those that flout the rules. Note to point out Danger of Death. Note to make Danger of Death bold and change colour of text to red. Note to also underline. Danger of Death is serious. Note to investigate options to secure roof access further. Polyurethane membrane needs to be replaced. Note to add to allstaffer cost incurred from flirting with Danger of Death. Note to add smoking is also Danger of Death. Have second thoughts on last thought. Smoking is their choice. Roof is not. Shorts shouts goodbye. leaves woolly hat. Bits of beard hair in it. Bag it. Tag it as lost property.
Attempt contact with work experience candidates. Both fail to answer phone. Telephone interview pr-arranged. Disregard for order apparent. Have second thoughts. They have until midday to return calls.
That is all…
Attempt contact with work experience candidates. Both fail to answer phone. Telephone interview pr-arranged. Disregard for order apparent. Have second thoughts. They have until midday to return calls.
That is all…
Thursday
Work Experience Update and Risk Assessment
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Friday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Receive emails back from three potential Work Experience candidates. Not impressive. Decide on two for telephone interview. Arrange time Friday AM. Draw up questions.
Receive email from Managing Director regarding Risk Assessment. “Do what I need to do – don’t understand H&S.” Respond accordingly. Point out that post office move need new Risk Assessment. Doubt response. Begin plan to implement changes.
Subtle enquiries regarding Fork Policy violation. Negative outcome. Olivia protected. Need rethink. Need conclusion.
That is all…
Receive emails back from three potential Work Experience candidates. Not impressive. Decide on two for telephone interview. Arrange time Friday AM. Draw up questions.
Receive email from Managing Director regarding Risk Assessment. “Do what I need to do – don’t understand H&S.” Respond accordingly. Point out that post office move need new Risk Assessment. Doubt response. Begin plan to implement changes.
Subtle enquiries regarding Fork Policy violation. Negative outcome. Olivia protected. Need rethink. Need conclusion.
That is all…
Risk Assessment – Health and Safety Policy
Begin annual update of Health and Safety Policy. Consult previous Health and Safety Policy. Limited in detail. Insufficient. Written by novice. Note to inform Managing Director of predecessors failings. Again. Full overhaul of Health and Safety Policy required. New Health and Safety Policy required.
In line with Health and Safety regulations conduct Risk Assessment of offices. Step 1. Look for hazards. Ignore trivial. Concentrate on significant hazards. List hazards in column 1 of assessment form. Step 2. Think about people who might be harmed and how. Take into account people who may not be in workplace at all times. Cleaners. Man in the Scarf. Visitors. Contractors. List people who may be harmed in column 2 of assessment form. Step 3. Decide whether existing precautions are adequate. Negative. Further precautions are required to be implemented. Ask the question, “Can I eliminate the hazard?” If not, “How can I control it?” List all the controls that are in place in column 3. Step 4. In column 4. Risk factor. Assess the likelihood of the event actually occurring and severity of the event if an accident were to occur. When determined, calculate factor. Multiply the probability and the severity to decide whether risks are determined to be low. Medium. High. Step 5. List further action needed to adequately control the risk. Step 6. Review assessment. Make amendments. Submit Risk Assessment to Managing Director. Await response.
Risk Assessment complete. Begin new Health and Safety Policy. Be thorough. Be vigorous. Be vigilant. Health and Safety is the sleeping partner of any business.
That is all…
In line with Health and Safety regulations conduct Risk Assessment of offices. Step 1. Look for hazards. Ignore trivial. Concentrate on significant hazards. List hazards in column 1 of assessment form. Step 2. Think about people who might be harmed and how. Take into account people who may not be in workplace at all times. Cleaners. Man in the Scarf. Visitors. Contractors. List people who may be harmed in column 2 of assessment form. Step 3. Decide whether existing precautions are adequate. Negative. Further precautions are required to be implemented. Ask the question, “Can I eliminate the hazard?” If not, “How can I control it?” List all the controls that are in place in column 3. Step 4. In column 4. Risk factor. Assess the likelihood of the event actually occurring and severity of the event if an accident were to occur. When determined, calculate factor. Multiply the probability and the severity to decide whether risks are determined to be low. Medium. High. Step 5. List further action needed to adequately control the risk. Step 6. Review assessment. Make amendments. Submit Risk Assessment to Managing Director. Await response.
Risk Assessment complete. Begin new Health and Safety Policy. Be thorough. Be vigorous. Be vigilant. Health and Safety is the sleeping partner of any business.
That is all…
Wednesday
Work Experience and Kitchen Cam
Consult work experience candidate file. Investigate CV’s for potential two week placement. Start ASAP. Look for outstanding applicants. None. Look for enthusiasm. Limited. Look for good grammar. Three potentials selected. Send immediate email to three potential candidates requesting further information relating to goals. Ambitions. Await response.
Kitchen Cam returned to full functionality. Position moved. More secure. Hidden. Network feed for Kitchen Cam strengthened. Further security. Set Kitchen Cam to record between 8am and 8pm.
Make discrete enquiries regarding Fork Policy infringement. Try small talk. Don’t like small talk.
That is all…
Kitchen Cam returned to full functionality. Position moved. More secure. Hidden. Network feed for Kitchen Cam strengthened. Further security. Set Kitchen Cam to record between 8am and 8pm.
Make discrete enquiries regarding Fork Policy infringement. Try small talk. Don’t like small talk.
That is all…
Fork Policy Compromised
Receive response from Olivia RE suspicious lack of sign-in and sign-out of forks. Anger. Certain individual has black-market fork business. Providing disposable and regular forks for general usage. Actions contravene Fork Policy. Identity unknown. Think. Draw up list of suspects. Include Olivia. Move Olivia to top. Opportunity. Check. Reception is central. Heart of company. Comes into contact with everyone. Easy to move contraband forks through area. Motive. Check. Gain favour within company. Be seen as friendly face amongst sea of policies. Resources. Weekly petty cash budget. Fully equipped stationery/office equipment catalogue. Note to check invoices. Note to approach Olivia with caution. Do not want to compromise spoon policies. Gather evidence before accusation. Strike other suspects from list.
Send immediate allstaffer informing that I am aware of underground fork activity. Unnerve Olivia. Unnerve her she makes a mistake.
Log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat abuse of services. Blank screen. Investigate network connection. Fully functional. Conduct physical inspection. Anger. Camera disconnected. Disregard for system. DISRESPECT!
Send immediate allstaffer informing of damage to company property. Point out legal charges could be brought against assailant.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer informing that I am aware of underground fork activity. Unnerve Olivia. Unnerve her she makes a mistake.
Log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat abuse of services. Blank screen. Investigate network connection. Fully functional. Conduct physical inspection. Anger. Camera disconnected. Disregard for system. DISRESPECT!
Send immediate allstaffer informing of damage to company property. Point out legal charges could be brought against assailant.
That is all…
Tuesday
Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System
Engineer onsite. Burly. Blocked nose. Sniff. Sniff. Doesn’t need help. Show him doors. Leave him to it.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Still no response RE my event.
Contact maintenance company to book roofing expert to attend. None available for three months. Hang up. Research original company to install single ply roof. Building new build. Roof still within warranty. Contact company. Speak to roofer. Shouts down phone. Possibly deaf. Book consultation. Attending Friday AM. Check weather forecast. Dry until Thursday PM. Possible problem. Downpour would highlight flooded area. Necessary evil.
Receive emails regarding Table Spoon Policy. As predicted not popular. Refute claims of childish behaviour.
Receive response from the Man in the Scarf. Requests meeting. Counter with cleaners to improve then meeting. No response.
Send immediate email to Olivia regarding suspicious lack of sign-in and sign-out of forks. Possible explanation requested. She’ll get back to me. Smiley face. I smile.
Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System replaced. Complete tests. Functioning within parameters. Engineer sniffs off.
That is all…
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Still no response RE my event.
Contact maintenance company to book roofing expert to attend. None available for three months. Hang up. Research original company to install single ply roof. Building new build. Roof still within warranty. Contact company. Speak to roofer. Shouts down phone. Possibly deaf. Book consultation. Attending Friday AM. Check weather forecast. Dry until Thursday PM. Possible problem. Downpour would highlight flooded area. Necessary evil.
Receive emails regarding Table Spoon Policy. As predicted not popular. Refute claims of childish behaviour.
Receive response from the Man in the Scarf. Requests meeting. Counter with cleaners to improve then meeting. No response.
Send immediate email to Olivia regarding suspicious lack of sign-in and sign-out of forks. Possible explanation requested. She’ll get back to me. Smiley face. I smile.
Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System replaced. Complete tests. Functioning within parameters. Engineer sniffs off.
That is all…
Office Overnight
Use overnight stay productively. Research Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System in lieu of engineer visit. Operating voltage 12/24VDC. Current draw 1.0 Amps @ 12VDC. Holding force up to 1200lbs/545kgs (x2). Satin Aluminium Anodised finish. Fail safe (unlocked). Installation requires leaf of door to be removed. Leaf weight=approx 250kgs. Await arrival of engineer. Interest in Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolting Locking System raised.
Cleaners attend past midnight. Observe work pattern/ethic. Work very hard do very little. Consult cleaning schedule. Send immediate email to Man in the Scarf detailing failings in compliance with cleaning schedule. Point out failings of cleaning schedule is breach of contract. Demand immediate action.
Reconsider organisation of Burlesque Life Drawing event. Compose email to Direct Line Manager. CC Managing Director. Point out farcical approach to Full Emergency Evacuation Drill must be punished. Legal requirement treated as joke. Request guidance. Suggest Pancake Evening may be more appropriate event. Under circumstances.
Decamp to kitchen. Remove all table spoons. Send immediate allstaffer regarding new Table Spoon Policy. Exactly same principal as Fork Policy (Dated 5 February). Furnish Olivia with Table Spoon/Fork Signout Form. Check progress of Fork Policy. Minimal amount of signout and return. Note to investigate.
Complete Building Inspection. Observe damp in several places. Note to get roofing company in for inspection. Note to check weather forecast. Note to insist of roof visit before next bout of heavy rain.
Complete Biscuit Audit. Stocks correct. Observe diet book on Olivia’s desk. Put two and two together. Arrive at four. Note to tell Olivia not to leave personal reading material on desk. Note to tell Olivia to observe highly unpopular clear desk policy. Note to tell cleaners to carry out clear desk instructions more vehemently.
That is all…
Cleaners attend past midnight. Observe work pattern/ethic. Work very hard do very little. Consult cleaning schedule. Send immediate email to Man in the Scarf detailing failings in compliance with cleaning schedule. Point out failings of cleaning schedule is breach of contract. Demand immediate action.
Reconsider organisation of Burlesque Life Drawing event. Compose email to Direct Line Manager. CC Managing Director. Point out farcical approach to Full Emergency Evacuation Drill must be punished. Legal requirement treated as joke. Request guidance. Suggest Pancake Evening may be more appropriate event. Under circumstances.
Decamp to kitchen. Remove all table spoons. Send immediate allstaffer regarding new Table Spoon Policy. Exactly same principal as Fork Policy (Dated 5 February). Furnish Olivia with Table Spoon/Fork Signout Form. Check progress of Fork Policy. Minimal amount of signout and return. Note to investigate.
Complete Building Inspection. Observe damp in several places. Note to get roofing company in for inspection. Note to check weather forecast. Note to insist of roof visit before next bout of heavy rain.
Complete Biscuit Audit. Stocks correct. Observe diet book on Olivia’s desk. Put two and two together. Arrive at four. Note to tell Olivia not to leave personal reading material on desk. Note to tell Olivia to observe highly unpopular clear desk policy. Note to tell cleaners to carry out clear desk instructions more vehemently.
That is all…
Monday
Front Door
Electronic front door malfunction. Investigate. Key locking function in tact. Fuse board in tact. Beyond personal remit. Contact installation company. Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System guaranteed for five years. Within warranty. Request engineer visit. Three weeks call time. Express disgust at three week response time. Express importance of company. Company request additional payment for immediate call out. Weigh up options of immediate call out and necessity for security guard for three weeks. Agree to immediate call out fee. Begrudgingly. Engineer scheduled for tomorrow PM. Contemplate security guard option for one day. Decide on personal presence overnight. Make request to finance for petty cash to obtain essentials. Submit relevant purchase order number. Evening meal. Blanket. Slippers. Request confirmed. Request approved. Select slippers. Email Olivia to make relevant purchases.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Friday
Office Move and Full Emergency Evacuation drill Prep
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Meeting scheduled for Monday PM. Discuss office move with partners/department heads. Need to present alternatives in “understandable” manner. Construct brief and to the point PowerPoint presentation. Avoid inclusion of formulae. Not appropriate.
Confirm with Olivia meeting void for Monday am. Full Emergency Evacuation Drill on! Secure clipboard. Secure stop-watch. Anticipate failure. Hope for best.
That is all…
Confirm with Olivia meeting void for Monday am. Full Emergency Evacuation Drill on! Secure clipboard. Secure stop-watch. Anticipate failure. Hope for best.
That is all…
USB Devices
Company USB device stocks running low. Investigate replacement. Current USB device branded. Company logo. Company name. Artwork not dynamic. Flat. Unrepresentative of company message. Instruct Design Studio to produce new artwork. Set deadline as ASAP. Await proofs.
Peruse types of USB devices. Elko Drive. In efficient. Cyber Drive. Bulky. Twister Drive. Effective. Sleek. Wristband Drive. Quirky. Ridiculous. Curve Drive. Confusing. Bullet Drive. Negative connotations. Funky Drive. Ridiculous. Pod drive. Sleek. Innovative. Expensive. Decide against trialling USB devices in office environment. Select Twister Drive Mark II.
Receive updated artwork. Impressed at rapid response from Design Studio. Must be new team member. Won’t last.
Attach proof and order form to email. Send to USB device supplier. Receive proforma invoice. Forward to Finance Department with relevant Purchase Order number. Instruct to pay deposit and remainder on receipt of order.
Compare remaining stock of USB devices to lead time for new order. Calculate rationing programme based on current usage. Send immediate allstaffer informing all of USB Device Rationing Policy.
That is all…
Peruse types of USB devices. Elko Drive. In efficient. Cyber Drive. Bulky. Twister Drive. Effective. Sleek. Wristband Drive. Quirky. Ridiculous. Curve Drive. Confusing. Bullet Drive. Negative connotations. Funky Drive. Ridiculous. Pod drive. Sleek. Innovative. Expensive. Decide against trialling USB devices in office environment. Select Twister Drive Mark II.
Receive updated artwork. Impressed at rapid response from Design Studio. Must be new team member. Won’t last.
Attach proof and order form to email. Send to USB device supplier. Receive proforma invoice. Forward to Finance Department with relevant Purchase Order number. Instruct to pay deposit and remainder on receipt of order.
Compare remaining stock of USB devices to lead time for new order. Calculate rationing programme based on current usage. Send immediate allstaffer informing all of USB Device Rationing Policy.
That is all…
Thursday
Office Move and Event Planning
Receive email from Managing Director regarding proposed office move options. Doesn’t understand formula. Must simplify presentation to show to other partners/department heads. Create simplified floor plans. Remove scaled measurements. Remove statistics. Include only people/department clusters. Send immediate email with amended plans to Managing Director. Extend invitation to relate formula etc with department heads.
Receive email from Olivia with initial costings for events. Burlesque Life Drawing. Expensive. Pancake Night. Inexpensive. Lacks appeal. Suspect limited interested in batter based entertainment. Request feedback from Olivia on event. Burlesque Life Drawing seems favourite. Email Olivia with additional thoughts on event from earlier list.
Group pottery class. Foosball tournament. Poker tournament. Cocktail lessons. Pole dancing lessons. Massage and pampering. Wine tasting. Ping Pong lessons/tournament. Real ale tasting. Hairdressing lessons. Life drawing class. Burlesque dancing class. Salsa night. Cheese and Wine night.
Olivia responds with Burlesque Life Drawing Class. Break down barriers. Inhibitions. Suggests I model. Includes smiley face. Suggest Olivia models? Decide not to. Respond to book date. Include smiley face. Delete smiley face.
That is all…
Receive email from Olivia with initial costings for events. Burlesque Life Drawing. Expensive. Pancake Night. Inexpensive. Lacks appeal. Suspect limited interested in batter based entertainment. Request feedback from Olivia on event. Burlesque Life Drawing seems favourite. Email Olivia with additional thoughts on event from earlier list.
Group pottery class. Foosball tournament. Poker tournament. Cocktail lessons. Pole dancing lessons. Massage and pampering. Wine tasting. Ping Pong lessons/tournament. Real ale tasting. Hairdressing lessons. Life drawing class. Burlesque dancing class. Salsa night. Cheese and Wine night.
Olivia responds with Burlesque Life Drawing Class. Break down barriers. Inhibitions. Suggests I model. Includes smiley face. Suggest Olivia models? Decide not to. Respond to book date. Include smiley face. Delete smiley face.
That is all…
Fire Warden Training
Early start. Bacon sandwiches. Incentive to attend. Tea. Coffee. Orange juice. Plates. Serviettes. Check watch. Fire Wardens arrive. Make for sandwiches. Sit. Chat. All in attendance. Begin. Powerpoint. Importance of updated Fire Policy. Statistics of work related fire death. Fire Warden responsibilities. Each assigned area to evacuate. Run through procedure. Inform there will be casualties. Don’t inform who casualties will be. Or where. Resistance to wearing of vests. Point out importance of vests. Need to be visible. Need to be visibly in control. Point taken. Jokes about fashion. Not funny. Serious responsibility. Decamp from meeting room. Walk fire escape routes. Walk 130 feet to fire assembly point. Reassess area for suitability. Explain reason for location. Dismiss Fire Wardens. Confident in abilities.
Covertly meet with Casualties. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Explain in detail remit. Lots of laughter. Not funny serious responsibility. Essential for allocated personnel to know what to do in emergency situation. Casualties debate who has hardest role. Blind asks if she can have a dog. Respond accordingly. Pregnant asks if I think she is fat. Respond accordingly. Broken leg asks which leg. Respond accordingly. Dead asks what he died of. Don’t respond. Just stare. Uncomfortable. Dismiss Casualties. Not confident in abilities.
That is all…
Covertly meet with Casualties. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Explain in detail remit. Lots of laughter. Not funny serious responsibility. Essential for allocated personnel to know what to do in emergency situation. Casualties debate who has hardest role. Blind asks if she can have a dog. Respond accordingly. Pregnant asks if I think she is fat. Respond accordingly. Broken leg asks which leg. Respond accordingly. Dead asks what he died of. Don’t respond. Just stare. Uncomfortable. Dismiss Casualties. Not confident in abilities.
That is all…
Wednesday
Full Emergency and Evacuation Drill Plan
Send immediate selected-staffer to assigned Fire Wardens. Schedule fire warden retraining in lieu of planned full emergency evacuation drill. Ascertain possession of florescent Fire Warden vests. Receive confirmations from all for training. Send additional selected-staffer thanking for quick response.
Nominate people to be casualties in said Full Emergency Evacuation Drill. Consult employee list for said casualties. Assign roles. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Send selected-staffer to casualties. Inform of duties.
Contact fire alarm company. Instruct to test line for fire brigade immediate response.
Email Olivia to obtain quotes for “My Event.” Request suitable dates. Quiet periods. No meetings.
That is all…
Nominate people to be casualties in said Full Emergency Evacuation Drill. Consult employee list for said casualties. Assign roles. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Send selected-staffer to casualties. Inform of duties.
Contact fire alarm company. Instruct to test line for fire brigade immediate response.
Email Olivia to obtain quotes for “My Event.” Request suitable dates. Quiet periods. No meetings.
That is all…
Office Move
Company expansion. More effective use of space required. Departments to integrate. Form more efficient cohesive working environment. Check dimensions of available and used office space. Factor in minimum space per person. 75mtresq. Calculate space required for furniture. Space for printers. Fire and Evacuation routes.
Side note to devote afternoon to planned full emergency evacuation drill.
Begin space allocation formula. Take head count of company and convert each head(person) to be a percentage of company. Allocate head count percentages to departments. Work out percentage of departments in relation to overall percentage of company. Contrast percentage of space related to 75sqft minimum space allocated per person to percentage per department. Allocate percentage of space to department. Apply space percentage allocation to measurements on floor plans. Construct scale drawings of new floor layout. Create three further alternative floor layouts. Include formula for due diligence. Work out rough estimates for move. Work out rough estimates for refurbishment and additional furniture. Build timeline for each alternate floor layouts.
Send immediate email to Managing Director with four alternate floor plans for space/person allocation. Include pros of each. Include cons of each. Make recommendations on most effective. Rate each alternative.
That is all…
Side note to devote afternoon to planned full emergency evacuation drill.
Begin space allocation formula. Take head count of company and convert each head(person) to be a percentage of company. Allocate head count percentages to departments. Work out percentage of departments in relation to overall percentage of company. Contrast percentage of space related to 75sqft minimum space allocated per person to percentage per department. Allocate percentage of space to department. Apply space percentage allocation to measurements on floor plans. Construct scale drawings of new floor layout. Create three further alternative floor layouts. Include formula for due diligence. Work out rough estimates for move. Work out rough estimates for refurbishment and additional furniture. Build timeline for each alternate floor layouts.
Send immediate email to Managing Director with four alternate floor plans for space/person allocation. Include pros of each. Include cons of each. Make recommendations on most effective. Rate each alternative.
That is all…
Tuesday
Taxi Meeting(s)
Meet with taxi company account manager. Bald. Goatee. Designer glasses. Cheap suit. Question 12% admin fee on each fair. Essential for quality of service. Counter with list of complaints from staff. Driver unaware of location – despite Sat Nav. Wrong sized care. Wrong type of car. Late arrival. Stopping for fuel. Minor traffic accident – driver at fault. Bald Goatee will investigate. Demand journey credit/one month minus admin fee. Bald Goatee will investigate. Shake hands. Sovereign ring. Bracelet. Dislike Sovereign rings. Bracelet mildly tasteful.
Bald Goatee leaves. Olivia introduces taxi company rep. Called in “on the off chance.” Spikey. Goatee. Check time. Have time. Return to meeting room. Spikey confident. Laughs. Jokes. Get on with it. Same journey price. Minus service charge. Fleet not as big as incumbent company. One month trial.
Send immediate allstaffer detailing temporary Taxi Policy. All cabs to be booked with new company. Provide details. Install password on old account to prevent booking. Consider password and job codes for new company. Reduce frivolous abuse of taxi account.
That is all…
Bald Goatee leaves. Olivia introduces taxi company rep. Called in “on the off chance.” Spikey. Goatee. Check time. Have time. Return to meeting room. Spikey confident. Laughs. Jokes. Get on with it. Same journey price. Minus service charge. Fleet not as big as incumbent company. One month trial.
Send immediate allstaffer detailing temporary Taxi Policy. All cabs to be booked with new company. Provide details. Install password on old account to prevent booking. Consider password and job codes for new company. Reduce frivolous abuse of taxi account.
That is all…
Plan for event
Begin list of possible staff events to organise. Group pottery class. Karaoke. Pancake night. Cross out karaoke. Office not ready for “Oh Carol.” Foosball tournament. Poker tournament. Cocktail lessons. Pole dancing lessons. Massage and pampering. Wine tasting. Ping Pong lessons/tournament. Real ale tasting. Hairdressing lessons. Life drawing class. Burlesque life drawing class. Burlesque dancing class. Salsa night. Cheese and Wine night.
Review list. Narrow down two possibles.
Burlesque life drawing. Pancake night.
Note to draw up pros and cons to each. Note to get cost for each. Note to get Olivia to assist with organisation.
That is all…
Review list. Narrow down two possibles.
Burlesque life drawing. Pancake night.
Note to draw up pros and cons to each. Note to get cost for each. Note to get Olivia to assist with organisation.
That is all…
Monday
Annual Appraisal
Enter meeting room. Direct Line Manager stands. Smiles. Offers me tea. I accept. She pours. Offers me biscuit. I wince. Biscuits to be used for external client meetings only. Especially chocolate digestives. Decide to mention Biscuit Policy at end of meeting. Direct Line manager turns over appraisal form.
Strengths. Highly organised. Good attention to detail. Effective management of operational budget. Punctual.
Areas for improvement. HR phrase for weaknesses. Overly officious all staff emails. Too many all staff emails. TOO MUCH attention to detail. No social interaction with staff. Tendency to dictate ideas. Policies unpopular. Unwilling to compromise. No positive energy. Reacts badly to criticism.
Wait. Digest.
Feedback. Address points of criticism. Emails need to be direct and too the point. If an issue arises an email needs to be sent out. Many points arise each day. Effective communication method. Know emails ignored. Irrelevant. Email sent=issue raised. Attention to detail essential. Use HR speak. Like to run a tight ship. Like a well oiled machine. Eye on the ball. Run out of clichéd lines. Social interaction not forthcoming. Wouldn’t mind. Suggest organising work function. Good idea. Note to organize function. Note to decide what. Note to use money from entertainment budget. Note to decide why. Don’t dictate. Need to be direct – mentioned earlier. Policies not meant to be popular. Meant to make workplace more efficient. Willing to compromise on sensible terms. Non ever presented. Put energy into role. Positive outcome. Do not react badly to criticism when criticism is constructive. Appraisal not constructive.
Take appraisal onboard.
Remind Direct Line Manager of Biscuit Policy.
That is all…
Strengths. Highly organised. Good attention to detail. Effective management of operational budget. Punctual.
Areas for improvement. HR phrase for weaknesses. Overly officious all staff emails. Too many all staff emails. TOO MUCH attention to detail. No social interaction with staff. Tendency to dictate ideas. Policies unpopular. Unwilling to compromise. No positive energy. Reacts badly to criticism.
Wait. Digest.
Feedback. Address points of criticism. Emails need to be direct and too the point. If an issue arises an email needs to be sent out. Many points arise each day. Effective communication method. Know emails ignored. Irrelevant. Email sent=issue raised. Attention to detail essential. Use HR speak. Like to run a tight ship. Like a well oiled machine. Eye on the ball. Run out of clichéd lines. Social interaction not forthcoming. Wouldn’t mind. Suggest organising work function. Good idea. Note to organize function. Note to decide what. Note to use money from entertainment budget. Note to decide why. Don’t dictate. Need to be direct – mentioned earlier. Policies not meant to be popular. Meant to make workplace more efficient. Willing to compromise on sensible terms. Non ever presented. Put energy into role. Positive outcome. Do not react badly to criticism when criticism is constructive. Appraisal not constructive.
Take appraisal onboard.
Remind Direct Line Manager of Biscuit Policy.
That is all…
CCTV Upgrade
CCTV company arrive to replace broken camera. Three month wait. Providing upgrade and additional camera. Good will gesture. Engineers more likely to be caught on camera than installing one. Call me mate. Guv. Flirt with Olivia. Note to go over contractor relations policy with Olivia. In particular not distracting said contractors from doing work. Makes them tea. Doesn’t make me tea. Never makes me tea. Make own tea. Return to desk.
Receive follow up email from Area Stationery Rep. New price list attached. Review with interest. Trial price for Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip to remain indefinitely. New range of alternate products present 40% saving across the board. Pleased. Respond to email accepting new product range. Make point that costs should be reviewed ongoing. Shouldn’t take threat of contract termination to initiate review. Account management should be proactive. Suggest monthly meetings. Remember ‘talon’ nails. Suggest quarterly meetings. Suggest more detailed invoices. Note to tell Olivia to log who orders what stationery. Send out immediate allstaffer with new Stationery Policy. All stationery to be ordered through Olivia. Submit form signed by line manager for items requested. Form attached. Receive emails back asking for a drawing pin. A rubber. A piece of paper. Delete. Delete. Delete.
New camera installed. CCTV now networked. Able to log in from arm. Efficient. Pleased. Quality of new cameras superb. Test capability. Zoom in on bike racks. See Olivia leaving for lunch. Follow Olivia. Watch Olivia. Sign engineers paperwork. Olivia gone.
Decide to time her lunch break. Time code footage. Wait.
That is all…
Receive follow up email from Area Stationery Rep. New price list attached. Review with interest. Trial price for Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip to remain indefinitely. New range of alternate products present 40% saving across the board. Pleased. Respond to email accepting new product range. Make point that costs should be reviewed ongoing. Shouldn’t take threat of contract termination to initiate review. Account management should be proactive. Suggest monthly meetings. Remember ‘talon’ nails. Suggest quarterly meetings. Suggest more detailed invoices. Note to tell Olivia to log who orders what stationery. Send out immediate allstaffer with new Stationery Policy. All stationery to be ordered through Olivia. Submit form signed by line manager for items requested. Form attached. Receive emails back asking for a drawing pin. A rubber. A piece of paper. Delete. Delete. Delete.
New camera installed. CCTV now networked. Able to log in from arm. Efficient. Pleased. Quality of new cameras superb. Test capability. Zoom in on bike racks. See Olivia leaving for lunch. Follow Olivia. Watch Olivia. Sign engineers paperwork. Olivia gone.
Decide to time her lunch break. Time code footage. Wait.
That is all…
Friday
Olivia Appraisal
Pad. Set. Pen. Set. Water jug. Full. Glasses. Set. Wait. Check appraisal document. Check time. Olivia enters. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Comment? I decide not. She sits. She smiles. Make joke about appraisal being painless. She returns with joke about being away from desk. I don’t laugh. It’s her job. She doesn’t notice. I begin.
Overview. Positive. Makes good impression on people. Good to work with. Pleasant smile. Lovely smile. I digress. Approachable. Can do attitude. She smiles. I smile. Inside.
Strengths. Covered. She smiles.
Areas for improvement. Consult notes. Could be smarter. She smiles. More attention to detail on cab and courier bookings and meeting beverages requests. She smiles. She agrees.
Her feedback. Enjoys company. Enjoys people. Some people. I smile. She does not. Would like to grow role. Would like to learn more about other departments. Note to speak to other departments about days shadowing. Note to devolve certain duties from my post to Olivia. Note to not devolve too many.
Summary. Doing well. Well liked. Eager to progress. Firm up areas of current role first. Objectives to improve set. Appraisal successful. She leaves. I write down notes. No notes. I just write.
Email HR completed appraisal form. Receive email back confirming my appraisal for Monday PM. Begin personal feedback.
That is all…
Overview. Positive. Makes good impression on people. Good to work with. Pleasant smile. Lovely smile. I digress. Approachable. Can do attitude. She smiles. I smile. Inside.
Strengths. Covered. She smiles.
Areas for improvement. Consult notes. Could be smarter. She smiles. More attention to detail on cab and courier bookings and meeting beverages requests. She smiles. She agrees.
Her feedback. Enjoys company. Enjoys people. Some people. I smile. She does not. Would like to grow role. Would like to learn more about other departments. Note to speak to other departments about days shadowing. Note to devolve certain duties from my post to Olivia. Note to not devolve too many.
Summary. Doing well. Well liked. Eager to progress. Firm up areas of current role first. Objectives to improve set. Appraisal successful. She leaves. I write down notes. No notes. I just write.
Email HR completed appraisal form. Receive email back confirming my appraisal for Monday PM. Begin personal feedback.
That is all…
Fork Policy Teaspoon Policy
Remove all forks from kitchen. Remove all but one teaspoon from kitchen. Secure cutlery in locked draw.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Teaspoon Policy. Only one to be in use due to teaspoons being discarded willy-nilly in the sink. Unacceptable use of tea making facility.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Fork Policy. All staff are allowed one fork. Fork must be signed out at the start of the day and then returned at the end of the day. Fork must be clean. If fork is not signed back in staff member will not receive fork the next day. Simple. Effective.
Receive replies calling Fork Policy juvenile. Resist urge to reply with ironic remarks. Dignity in silence. The Fork Policy stands.
Teaspoon Policy received no complaints.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Teaspoon Policy. Only one to be in use due to teaspoons being discarded willy-nilly in the sink. Unacceptable use of tea making facility.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Fork Policy. All staff are allowed one fork. Fork must be signed out at the start of the day and then returned at the end of the day. Fork must be clean. If fork is not signed back in staff member will not receive fork the next day. Simple. Effective.
Receive replies calling Fork Policy juvenile. Resist urge to reply with ironic remarks. Dignity in silence. The Fork Policy stands.
Teaspoon Policy received no complaints.
That is all…
Thursday
Let there be light
Electrician in attendance. Australian. Wiring at fault. Avoided fire due to emergency override on fuseboard. Note to step up emergency evacuation drill. Note to get fire alarm serviced. Note to contact landlord of building regarding faulty wiring. Fuse blocks replaced. Circuit breaker reset. Re-energise. Switch each fuse on. Success. Success. Success. Success x 24. Result. All lights on. All computers rebooted. Re-energise complete. Return VIP employees to their desks. Take down improvised electrical extensions. All back to normal. Dunkirk spirit lacking.
Thanks=still waiting.
Return to Olivia’s appraisal document. Complete overview, strengths and areas for improvement.
Receive monthly taxi account invoice. Cost consistently up each month. Journey + Service Charge (12%!!!) Note to get taxi company account manager in for service review. Note to investigate new taxi firms.
That is all…
Thanks=still waiting.
Return to Olivia’s appraisal document. Complete overview, strengths and areas for improvement.
Receive monthly taxi account invoice. Cost consistently up each month. Journey + Service Charge (12%!!!) Note to get taxi company account manager in for service review. Note to investigate new taxi firms.
That is all…
Brown Down Black Out
Pop. All lights out. All computers off. Burning smell. Immediate action. Leave desk. Walk don’t run. Locate fuse box. Opens fuse box. Strong burning smell. Remnants of smoke. Not good. Look down fuse board. Scorched blocks. Black. All power off. Do not attempt to re-energise. Danger.
Contact maintenance company. Inform of disaster. Laid back attitude not acceptable. Inform operator of annual spend with their company. Demand to speak to account manager. On hold. P!nk. Britney. Thank you for waiting. Still waiting. Account manager answers. Australian. Chipper. Chewing! Inform of disaster. Reiterate annual spend. Inform Chipper Account Manager of additional quotes for maintenance tender from reputable firms. On hold. P!nk. Electrician on way. Result.
Check fuse boards on other floors. Power fine. Move VIP employees to hot desks on upper levels. Improvise electrical extension units for others. All back to work. Downtime=23 minutes in total. Thanks=still waiting.
That is all…
Contact maintenance company. Inform of disaster. Laid back attitude not acceptable. Inform operator of annual spend with their company. Demand to speak to account manager. On hold. P!nk. Britney. Thank you for waiting. Still waiting. Account manager answers. Australian. Chipper. Chewing! Inform of disaster. Reiterate annual spend. Inform Chipper Account Manager of additional quotes for maintenance tender from reputable firms. On hold. P!nk. Electrician on way. Result.
Check fuse boards on other floors. Power fine. Move VIP employees to hot desks on upper levels. Improvise electrical extension units for others. All back to work. Downtime=23 minutes in total. Thanks=still waiting.
That is all…
Wednesday
Kitchen Stock
Receive complaints regarding kitchen stock or lack of it. Note to reprimand Olivia for not being vigilant on kitchen consumables.
Reassess kitchen stock. Compare spend on kitchen stock to annual canteen budget. Costs too high. Remove chocolate spread, three types of herbal tea, ground coffee (replace with instant – caffeinated and decaffeinated), remove sweetner, remove brown sugar, substitute chunky peanut butter for smooth, remove low fat margarine, eliminate skimmed and full fat milk, cut bread order in half, remove whole grain bread. Replace all consumables from branded names to supermarket own brand. Calculate saving. Inform MD of saving. Inform Olivia of changes. Send out immediate allstaffer detailing Kitchen Stock Policy.
Receive replies complaining at variety. Reiterate Kitchen Stock Policy. Additional items must be purchased by individual. Individual is responsible for item. No liability for loss, perish or disposal will lie with company for additionally purchased items. Remind said individuals of Fridge Policy circulated last week.
Remaining Olivia feedback received. Record time. “Could be smarter.” “No improvement.” Make note of could be smarter add to appraisal notes. Begin to formulate appraisal feedback. Confirm time for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Confirm room booking for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Include smiley face in email - :-) – remove smiley face. Could give wrong impression.
That is all…
Reassess kitchen stock. Compare spend on kitchen stock to annual canteen budget. Costs too high. Remove chocolate spread, three types of herbal tea, ground coffee (replace with instant – caffeinated and decaffeinated), remove sweetner, remove brown sugar, substitute chunky peanut butter for smooth, remove low fat margarine, eliminate skimmed and full fat milk, cut bread order in half, remove whole grain bread. Replace all consumables from branded names to supermarket own brand. Calculate saving. Inform MD of saving. Inform Olivia of changes. Send out immediate allstaffer detailing Kitchen Stock Policy.
Receive replies complaining at variety. Reiterate Kitchen Stock Policy. Additional items must be purchased by individual. Individual is responsible for item. No liability for loss, perish or disposal will lie with company for additionally purchased items. Remind said individuals of Fridge Policy circulated last week.
Remaining Olivia feedback received. Record time. “Could be smarter.” “No improvement.” Make note of could be smarter add to appraisal notes. Begin to formulate appraisal feedback. Confirm time for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Confirm room booking for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Include smiley face in email - :-) – remove smiley face. Could give wrong impression.
That is all…
Stationery meeting
Area Stationery Rep and one other. Never met him. Area Rep confused. From furniture and space planning arm of business. Tagging along with Area Stationery Rep to meet existing clients. Here to help with all furniture and space planning needs. Get out. Waste of time. Take card anyway. Move to planned agenda. Express concerns at 36% increase on monthly invoice. Area Stationery Rep smiles. Laughs. Touches hand. Don’t touch hand. Long finger nails. Fake tan. Pink lipstick. Too old for all three. Offers alternate products. Offers discount. 36% deficit removed. Happy. Touches hand again. Not happy. Furniture and space man grins. Feel sick. Fee dirty. Tell them of plan to review ALL suppliers. Area Stationery Rep will come back to me with revised prices and service agreement. They leave. Relief.
Final two feedback for Olivia. “Friendly.” “Approachable.” “Can Do Attitude.” No detail. Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Final two feedback for Olivia. “Friendly.” “Approachable.” “Can Do Attitude.” No detail. Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Tuesday
"Compatriot"
No improvement needed. No improvement needed. More attention to detail on cab and courier bookings and meeting beverage requests. Note down feedback. Summarise and include lengthy paragraph on importance of attention to detail. Send reminder to two outstanding feedback providers of task in hand. Note to follow up.
Collect Health and Safety Digest. Check all interesting and relevant articles highlighted. Inform Olivia of absence for twenty minutes. Descend on next door building for monthly meeting with “compatriot” to discuss shared utilities and any other business.
Enter building. Receptionist smiles. She wears smart shirt. Still casual but smart. Note for Olivia’s appraisal. Reception is clean. Sterile. No atmosphere.
“Compatriot” enters reception. White trainers. Tank top. Hair fudge. Not good image. Office Management should be an example to all. Always neat. Never trendy. Functional. Walk to meeting room. “Compatriot” engages with staff. Smiles. Laughs. High fives. We meet. We talk. Saving on electricity. Boilers serviced. More efficient. Excellent. Impart Health and Safety Digest on “Compatriot.” He smiles. Gratitude. Shallow. Discuss First Aid course. “Compatriot” having reunion with fellow First Aiders from his course. Great laugh. Good looking “birds.” Remember own course mates. Shudder at thought of reunion.
That is all…
Collect Health and Safety Digest. Check all interesting and relevant articles highlighted. Inform Olivia of absence for twenty minutes. Descend on next door building for monthly meeting with “compatriot” to discuss shared utilities and any other business.
Enter building. Receptionist smiles. She wears smart shirt. Still casual but smart. Note for Olivia’s appraisal. Reception is clean. Sterile. No atmosphere.
“Compatriot” enters reception. White trainers. Tank top. Hair fudge. Not good image. Office Management should be an example to all. Always neat. Never trendy. Functional. Walk to meeting room. “Compatriot” engages with staff. Smiles. Laughs. High fives. We meet. We talk. Saving on electricity. Boilers serviced. More efficient. Excellent. Impart Health and Safety Digest on “Compatriot.” He smiles. Gratitude. Shallow. Discuss First Aid course. “Compatriot” having reunion with fellow First Aiders from his course. Great laugh. Good looking “birds.” Remember own course mates. Shudder at thought of reunion.
That is all…
Bathroom Policy
Smell reminiscent of wet dog. Basement shower room not being respected. Unable to install CCTV due to privacy laws. Towels abandoned. Left to emit damp odor. New towels brought in. Old ones forgotten. Half used shower gel bottles. Own brand supermarket shampoo. Pubic hair riddled loofer.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding importance of hygiene and respect in basement shower room. Set out new policy regarding towel usage. Any towel left for more than a week will be removed and destroyed. Send email to the Man in the Scarf informing him to inform cleaners of new zero tolerance on wet dog smell. Express importance of used towels being removed and destroyed. Suggest ways to destroy towels. Request quote for additional work. Remove any wet dog reference from cleaner email. Keep it simple. Cleaners need it simple.
3 out of 5 responses for Olivia’s appraisal. Extremely favorable. “Great attitude.” “Always welcomes with a smile.” “Well presented.” “Very helpful.” Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer regarding importance of hygiene and respect in basement shower room. Set out new policy regarding towel usage. Any towel left for more than a week will be removed and destroyed. Send email to the Man in the Scarf informing him to inform cleaners of new zero tolerance on wet dog smell. Express importance of used towels being removed and destroyed. Suggest ways to destroy towels. Request quote for additional work. Remove any wet dog reference from cleaner email. Keep it simple. Cleaners need it simple.
3 out of 5 responses for Olivia’s appraisal. Extremely favorable. “Great attitude.” “Always welcomes with a smile.” “Well presented.” “Very helpful.” Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Monday
Stationery queries and appraisal
Send selected-staffer email regarding Olivia’s appraisal. Make request simple to increase response probability. Appearance. Attitude. Aptitude. Strengths. Weaknesses. No more than five lines. Note to follow up.
Receive monthly stationery invoice. 36% increase on previous month. Trial price of 32mm Large Lipped Paperclip still active. Calculations show monthly cost should have been 15% less than previous month. Highlighter. Check. Ruler. Check. Investigate invoice.
Moleskin notebooks up from 2 to 5. Olivia to explain. Luxury biros up from 4 boxes of 12 to 8 boxes of 12. Different colours ordered. 6 Boxes of red! Olivia to explain. Standard HB pencils replaced with refillable “endless” pencils. Click. Click. Lead. Break. Click. Click. Lead. 15% more expensive. Olivia to explain. Note to speak to Olivia. Note to get stationery company in for service review. ASAP.
That is all…
Receive monthly stationery invoice. 36% increase on previous month. Trial price of 32mm Large Lipped Paperclip still active. Calculations show monthly cost should have been 15% less than previous month. Highlighter. Check. Ruler. Check. Investigate invoice.
Moleskin notebooks up from 2 to 5. Olivia to explain. Luxury biros up from 4 boxes of 12 to 8 boxes of 12. Different colours ordered. 6 Boxes of red! Olivia to explain. Standard HB pencils replaced with refillable “endless” pencils. Click. Click. Lead. Break. Click. Click. Lead. 15% more expensive. Olivia to explain. Note to speak to Olivia. Note to get stationery company in for service review. ASAP.
That is all…
(New) Mouse in the house
Receive new wireless mouse from manufacturer of computers used in office. Sent on 14 day trial Try before you buy. Analyse packaging. Well presented. Sleak. Simple. Very typical. Remove wireless mouse from packaging and examine. Installation easy. Installation success.
Test drive.
Light weight. Easy to maneuver. Ergonomically sound. Nice scroll action. Lack of apparent buttons disconcerting. Fears soon allayed with ease of use. Emergency situation drill. Lack of mouse mat. Overcome with ease. Laser tracking engine on base effective. Responsive. Adaptable. Bluetooth capability engaged. Good range. Nice response time. Altogether amiable product. Calculate cost based on replacing USB mice already in use. Factor in mouse longevity. Replacement battery cells. Loss. Damage. Project over five year period. Submit replacement proposal to MD. Recommend phased upgrade per department. HR last. Submit review of performance to MD. Bullet point pros and cons. Feel chances of wireless mouse bolstered by success of Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip phased upgrade.
Secure former mouse in drawer.
That is all…
Test drive.
Light weight. Easy to maneuver. Ergonomically sound. Nice scroll action. Lack of apparent buttons disconcerting. Fears soon allayed with ease of use. Emergency situation drill. Lack of mouse mat. Overcome with ease. Laser tracking engine on base effective. Responsive. Adaptable. Bluetooth capability engaged. Good range. Nice response time. Altogether amiable product. Calculate cost based on replacing USB mice already in use. Factor in mouse longevity. Replacement battery cells. Loss. Damage. Project over five year period. Submit replacement proposal to MD. Recommend phased upgrade per department. HR last. Submit review of performance to MD. Bullet point pros and cons. Feel chances of wireless mouse bolstered by success of Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip phased upgrade.
Secure former mouse in drawer.
That is all…
Friday
Recycling Policy
Scan and forward article on Control of Substances Hazardous to Health (COSHH) Regulations 2002 to Man in the Scarf. No response. Typical. Conduct weekly cleaning inspection. Standards have improved. Slightly. Still dislike scarves.
Send out allstaffer detailing offices recycling policy. Again. Recycling bins are distinctly labeled. Additionally have list of items that can be disposed of in them at eye level. 65% of offices recycling bins are not being used in correct manner. One non-recyclable item in a recycling bag null and voids bag. Bag downgraded to general waste. Not recycled. Point out this and legal requirements of recycling. Will revisit.
Send allstaffer with reminder of fridge item cull over weekend. Follow up with bright, clear signs in kitchen.
Receive email from HR regarding yearly appraisals. Email back point out a full year has yet to pass. Receive additional email stating that previous email was a “heads up.” Dislike HR talk.
That is all…
Send out allstaffer detailing offices recycling policy. Again. Recycling bins are distinctly labeled. Additionally have list of items that can be disposed of in them at eye level. 65% of offices recycling bins are not being used in correct manner. One non-recyclable item in a recycling bag null and voids bag. Bag downgraded to general waste. Not recycled. Point out this and legal requirements of recycling. Will revisit.
Send allstaffer with reminder of fridge item cull over weekend. Follow up with bright, clear signs in kitchen.
Receive email from HR regarding yearly appraisals. Email back point out a full year has yet to pass. Receive additional email stating that previous email was a “heads up.” Dislike HR talk.
That is all…
Fridge Policy
Compose allstaffer relating to fridge hygiene. All fridges to be cleared and cleaned over weekend break. Cleaners have “Carte Blanche” to dispose of everything. Change “Carte Blanche” to “full permission.” Change it back. Makes it more fun. Send out allstaffer. Receive messages back asking for mercy on labeled goods. No mercy. Send additional allstaffer further outlining zero tolerance on labeled and non-labeled fridge dwelling articles and effects. Back up argument with quotes from article found in Health and Safety Digest relating to spread of bacteria and Ecoli from unkempt office fridges.
Leave cleaners note explaining they have “Carte Blanche” to remove everything from fridges. Change “Carte Blanche” to full permission. No need to make it fun. Cleaners need it simple.
That is all…
Leave cleaners note explaining they have “Carte Blanche” to remove everything from fridges. Change “Carte Blanche” to full permission. No need to make it fun. Cleaners need it simple.
That is all…
Thursday
Health and Safety Digest
Tea hot. Adequate milk. No sugar. Retire to sever room to review Health and Safety Digest. Divert desk phone to mobile for emergency calls. Relax in Health and Safety Haven. Study contents. Impressed with look of articles this month. Immediately identify articles not needed for perusal. Already up to date on legislation. Company policy updated already. May read to see viewpoint.
Read interesting article on “Whole-body vibration and ergonomics of driving occupations.” Bookmark piece on Control of Substances Hazardous to Health (COSHH) Regulations 2002. Note to refer to Man in the Scarf. Pay particular attention to new study into stress at work. Make notes.
Olivia debrief. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Comment? Inform of results of biscuit audit. Looks smug. Still suspicious. Olivia updates on incident reports. Nothing to report. No problems. Well oiled machine is an efficient machine. My machine.
Inform Olivia of plan for full emergency evacuation drill – date to be set. Rolls eyes. Yes it may occur when it’s raining. Fire/bomb/flood/gas leak pays no heed to weather conditions. I make point with humour. She smiles. It’s nice. Instruct Olivia to keep plans need to know. Confusion. Only we need to know. Point understood. Smiles again. Do I smile back? Meeting over. Olivia back to reception. Note to tell Olivia to smile more on reception. Begin checklist for emergency evacuation drill. I smile.
That is all…
Read interesting article on “Whole-body vibration and ergonomics of driving occupations.” Bookmark piece on Control of Substances Hazardous to Health (COSHH) Regulations 2002. Note to refer to Man in the Scarf. Pay particular attention to new study into stress at work. Make notes.
Olivia debrief. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Comment? Inform of results of biscuit audit. Looks smug. Still suspicious. Olivia updates on incident reports. Nothing to report. No problems. Well oiled machine is an efficient machine. My machine.
Inform Olivia of plan for full emergency evacuation drill – date to be set. Rolls eyes. Yes it may occur when it’s raining. Fire/bomb/flood/gas leak pays no heed to weather conditions. I make point with humour. She smiles. It’s nice. Instruct Olivia to keep plans need to know. Confusion. Only we need to know. Point understood. Smiles again. Do I smile back? Meeting over. Olivia back to reception. Note to tell Olivia to smile more on reception. Begin checklist for emergency evacuation drill. I smile.
That is all…
The return to work
Early start. Biscuit audit. Stocks unchanged. Suspicious. Kitchen clean. Bicycles outside. Fruit in healthy supply. Slightly impressed. People arrive. No greetings. No enquiries after course. Why would there be?
Remove “out of office” and attend to emails. Email IT company to increase SPAM filter. No need for Viagra. No need for Thai bride. No need to know goings on between two-five people in the privacy of their own bedroom/somebody elses.
Go through physical mail. Receive latest edition of Health and Safety Digest. Flick through. Interesting articles. Set aside time in afternoon to read thoroughly with cup of tea. No biscuit. Must not display double standards.
Arrange time for debrief with Olivia. Inform Head of Training that course was success. She’d forgotten I was attending course.
Submit travel expenses to accounts for refund. Wrong code. Code I was given. Still wrong code. Give me right code. Must obtain from Head of Training. Head of Training refers to accounts. Refer accounts to company policy on expenses. Accounts assign appropriate code. Successfully reclaim £4.85.
That is all…
Remove “out of office” and attend to emails. Email IT company to increase SPAM filter. No need for Viagra. No need for Thai bride. No need to know goings on between two-five people in the privacy of their own bedroom/somebody elses.
Go through physical mail. Receive latest edition of Health and Safety Digest. Flick through. Interesting articles. Set aside time in afternoon to read thoroughly with cup of tea. No biscuit. Must not display double standards.
Arrange time for debrief with Olivia. Inform Head of Training that course was success. She’d forgotten I was attending course.
Submit travel expenses to accounts for refund. Wrong code. Code I was given. Still wrong code. Give me right code. Must obtain from Head of Training. Head of Training refers to accounts. Refer accounts to company policy on expenses. Accounts assign appropriate code. Successfully reclaim £4.85.
That is all…
Wednesday
Assessment and Goodbye
Theory into practice. Assessors arrive. Nerves. Must complete two scenarios and resuscitation. Consult notes. Know All has a story. Know All has wise words. Everybody sighs. Nobody listens.
Allocated number. One by one goes in. Comes out. Some smiles. Some indifferent. Basic scenarios. Resuscitation instructor is very small. Midget or Dwarf? Neither just short. He’s touchy about it. Note to self, don’t stare or make reference to size. Know All goes in. Me next.
Number called. Nerves. Greet assessor. Greet “casualty” – old woman. Tan. Receive instruction. Bandage knee. Woman helps. Attempt recovery position. Woman moves into position by herself. Not fair. All over. Move to resuscitation. Assessor is really short. Try not to look. Can’t help but stare. Looks like his Dads’ suit. Resuscitate. Dummy not realistic. No arms. No legs. Rubber wig. Smells like Marigolds. Assessor marks. I leave room. Don’t make eye contact. Can’t make eye contact. Too short.
Assessment over. All in circle. All pass. Certificate in post. I breath. I smile. Well done. Well done all. Everyone shares reasons for attending course. Most for work. Serial Course Attender is off on advanced First Aid. Thug training to be children’s football coach. Know All had baby son who died. He didn’t know what to do. Felt helpless.
Silence.
That is all…
Allocated number. One by one goes in. Comes out. Some smiles. Some indifferent. Basic scenarios. Resuscitation instructor is very small. Midget or Dwarf? Neither just short. He’s touchy about it. Note to self, don’t stare or make reference to size. Know All goes in. Me next.
Number called. Nerves. Greet assessor. Greet “casualty” – old woman. Tan. Receive instruction. Bandage knee. Woman helps. Attempt recovery position. Woman moves into position by herself. Not fair. All over. Move to resuscitation. Assessor is really short. Try not to look. Can’t help but stare. Looks like his Dads’ suit. Resuscitate. Dummy not realistic. No arms. No legs. Rubber wig. Smells like Marigolds. Assessor marks. I leave room. Don’t make eye contact. Can’t make eye contact. Too short.
Assessment over. All in circle. All pass. Certificate in post. I breath. I smile. Well done. Well done all. Everyone shares reasons for attending course. Most for work. Serial Course Attender is off on advanced First Aid. Thug training to be children’s football coach. Know All had baby son who died. He didn’t know what to do. Felt helpless.
Silence.
That is all…
First Aid Course – Final Lesson
Arrive early. Cornered by Know All. I’m reading notes! He doesn’t care. He has a story. People arrive. See me. See Know All. Smile with sympathy. They all avoid helping escape. Busy with banter. More pub stories. No interest. No invite. Again. Art Garfunkel Hair and Man on Bicycle arrive. Into lesson. About time.
Cuts. Gashes. Protruding bone. Black. Blurry. Sweet tea. Sympathy. Stifled laughter. Slight reddening of face. Know All has a story. Continue. Poorly acted video. Group session. Use rubber gloves. Use caution. Use bandage. Raise arm. Lower arm. Recovery position. Which leg goes where? Arm over there. Leg here. Roll. Comfort.
Break.
Biscuits. Tea. More banter. Know All has a story. All laugh and ignore. He talks to me. Finish tea. Go to toilet. Hide in toilet. Toilet is dirty. Make note to mention this on feedback sheet.
That is all…
Cuts. Gashes. Protruding bone. Black. Blurry. Sweet tea. Sympathy. Stifled laughter. Slight reddening of face. Know All has a story. Continue. Poorly acted video. Group session. Use rubber gloves. Use caution. Use bandage. Raise arm. Lower arm. Recovery position. Which leg goes where? Arm over there. Leg here. Roll. Comfort.
Break.
Biscuits. Tea. More banter. Know All has a story. All laugh and ignore. He talks to me. Finish tea. Go to toilet. Hide in toilet. Toilet is dirty. Make note to mention this on feedback sheet.
That is all…
Tuesday
First Aid Course – First Aid. At Last
Partner up. Avoid Know All. Get Everyones Friend. Too friendly. Don’t want to be her friend. Chatty. Bubbly. Annoying.
Triangular bandage ready. Arm up. Fold. Position. Fold under. Bring around. Tie. Secure. Correct. She does it wrong. She does it wrong again. Hilarious. No it’s not. Tedious. Art Garfunkel Hair comes over. Hilarious. NO IT’S NOT! Get it right. Art Garfunkel Hair shows her. Again. Get’s it right. Hilarious. No it’s not. Dislocated shoulder. Fractured elbow. Broken arm. Triangular bandage mastered. Everyones Friend not my friend. Look forward to bandaging mouth injury.
That is all...
Triangular bandage ready. Arm up. Fold. Position. Fold under. Bring around. Tie. Secure. Correct. She does it wrong. She does it wrong again. Hilarious. No it’s not. Tedious. Art Garfunkel Hair comes over. Hilarious. NO IT’S NOT! Get it right. Art Garfunkel Hair shows her. Again. Get’s it right. Hilarious. No it’s not. Dislocated shoulder. Fractured elbow. Broken arm. Triangular bandage mastered. Everyones Friend not my friend. Look forward to bandaging mouth injury.
That is all...
First Aid Course – Day 2
Arrive early. Cornered by Know All. He has a story. Pray for anyone else. Art Garfunkel hair arrives. Man on bicycle arrives. Removes bicycle clips. Makes joke. I query plan for day. Confused looks. More tea. More arrivals. New banter. Not involved. Flirty and Flirty 2 flirt. Twitchy laughs. Flirty laughs. Innocent laughs. Quiet laughs. Closet laughs. Cool laughs. Thug laughs. Actor laughs. Everyones Friend laughs. Dim laughs. White Van Man laughs. Posh laughs. Serial Course Attender laughs. Me – I don’t laugh. Know All has a story. Pub invite missing. Again. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. Enjoy biscuit.
Know Olivia is enjoying biscuit. Anger. More tea.
That is all…
Know Olivia is enjoying biscuit. Anger. More tea.
That is all…
Monday
First Aid Course – Getting to know you
Late start. Time for tea and biscuits. Have flash of Olivia throwing biscuits to the masses. Make note to reprimand. Remember guilty expression on mention of biscuit audit. Drink tea. Small talk. Get on with it. Here to learn.
Finally. Sit in circle. Get to know each other. Hideous. Hate speaking. Hate strangers. Observe colleagues. Twitchy. Flirty. Innocent. Quiet. Closet. Cool. Thug. Know all. Flirty 2. Actor. Everyones Friend. Dim. White Van Man. Posh. Serial Course Attender. Me.
Ice breaker. Game. Partner up. Game. Share accident stories. Interesting. Know All has story. Know All has comment on other stories. Know All speaks. Quickly nobody listens.
More games. More talk. Break. Tea. Biscuits. Video. Lecture. Make notes. Receive First Aid kit. Go through kit. Smells clean. I smile.
That is all…
Finally. Sit in circle. Get to know each other. Hideous. Hate speaking. Hate strangers. Observe colleagues. Twitchy. Flirty. Innocent. Quiet. Closet. Cool. Thug. Know all. Flirty 2. Actor. Everyones Friend. Dim. White Van Man. Posh. Serial Course Attender. Me.
Ice breaker. Game. Partner up. Game. Share accident stories. Interesting. Know All has story. Know All has comment on other stories. Know All speaks. Quickly nobody listens.
More games. More talk. Break. Tea. Biscuits. Video. Lecture. Make notes. Receive First Aid kit. Go through kit. Smells clean. I smile.
That is all…
First Aid Course – Day 1
Planned route abandoned. Transport chaos. Enable Plan B. Negotiate madness. Successfully carry out Route Plan B. Arrive early. Training centre locked. Wait. Look at watch. People loiter. More arrive. Man on bicycle arrives. Greets crowd. Produces keys. Tries many. Success with none. Calls ‘June’. June stuck on bus. Removes bicycle clips. Wait for June. Tedious small talk. I refrain. Relationships start to form. I watch. Man off bicycle makes jokes. Not funny. Course now thrity minutes behind. Weather dubious. Possible showers. Lack of keys. Wet and late. June arrives. Art Garfunkel hair. Finally.
That is all…
That is all…
Friday
Handover meeting
Olivia. Skirt too short. Top too low. Comment? I decide not. Grasps handover notes fine. Unconvinced. Go over again. Outline expectations. Top too tight. Skirt too tight. Beautiful hair. Comment? No. Reveal biscuit audit plans. She flinches. Guilty.
Tidy desk. Set out of office. Collect directions to training centre. Three days away. Wave goodbye.
Nobody waves back.
That is all...
Tidy desk. Set out of office. Collect directions to training centre. Three days away. Wave goodbye.
Nobody waves back.
That is all...
Handover Notes
Put finishing touches to handover notes for Olivia. Check. Double check. Add more. Question Olivia’s abilities. Worry about biscuit stocks depleting under her reign. Note to check biscuit stocks before departing and thoroughly on return.
Plan route to training centre. Send out allstaffer informing people of my absence. Email Olivia time for handover meeting. Print handover notes. Bind. Re-read. Pleased.
That is all...
Plan route to training centre. Send out allstaffer informing people of my absence. Email Olivia time for handover meeting. Print handover notes. Bind. Re-read. Pleased.
That is all...
Thursday
Dishwasher Disaster
Dishwasher malfunction. Water on kitchen floor. Stale water smell. Cordon off kitchen. Unplug appliance. Investigate waste pipe. Unscrew waste pipe. Stale water pours out. Grey trousers covered. No replacement pair. Remove old lettuce, clumps of rice and non descript grey matter. Possibly Tofu. Possibly not. Run water through pipe. Still blocked.
Investigate further.
Probe with fork.
Remove blockage. Definitely not Tofu. Blockage cleared. Mop up water. Reconnect appliance. Return to desk. Send out allstaffer with instructions to clear plates before stacking dishwasher. Attach step-by-step guide of how to load dishwasher. Explain top three causes of dishwasher malfunctions. Trousers smell.
That is all...
Investigate further.
Probe with fork.
Remove blockage. Definitely not Tofu. Blockage cleared. Mop up water. Reconnect appliance. Return to desk. Send out allstaffer with instructions to clear plates before stacking dishwasher. Attach step-by-step guide of how to load dishwasher. Explain top three causes of dishwasher malfunctions. Trousers smell.
That is all...
Come and get it…in moderation
Bikes need reclaiming. Naughty box items need reclaiming. Banter. Social. I smile.
Asses office fruit stocks. Statistically accurate and sufficient for compliment of staff. Stocks low. Over consumption. Work out fair and workable distribution policy for fruit stocks. Send allstaffer with rationing allowance from bananas to grapes. Explain importance of rationing. Threaten removal of fruit stock if rationing is not adhered to. More banter. Inappropriate. Stock situation serious. I don’t smile.
That is all…
Asses office fruit stocks. Statistically accurate and sufficient for compliment of staff. Stocks low. Over consumption. Work out fair and workable distribution policy for fruit stocks. Send allstaffer with rationing allowance from bananas to grapes. Explain importance of rationing. Threaten removal of fruit stock if rationing is not adhered to. More banter. Inappropriate. Stock situation serious. I don’t smile.
That is all…
Wednesday
Clamping down
Bikes removed. Placed outside. Locked together. Secure. Place notice on each bicycle seat detailing reasons. Bikes will be confiscated overnight. Send allstaffer about bikes.
Wait.
Nothing.
Pub night. No cycling. No invite.
Again.
That is all...
Wait.
Nothing.
Pub night. No cycling. No invite.
Again.
That is all...
This is not a Halfords showroom!!!
Bikes. Environmentally friendly. Congestion friendly. Parked in office. Not office friendly. Tire tracks on the tiles. Oil on the rug. Protruding pump. Send allstaffer repeating instruction to not have bikes left in the office. Explain aesthetic disadvantages. Explain health and safety disadvantages. Remind of H&S policy. Quote appropriate section. Quote appropriate sub-section.
No response.
Think.
Extreme measures needed.
Wait. Think. Revenge.
That is all...
No response.
Think.
Extreme measures needed.
Wait. Think. Revenge.
That is all...
Tuesday
New battle
Oversee new clear desk policy. Not computer. Not phone. Not in tray. Not staying on the desk. Naughty box. Inventory naughty box. Secure naughty box. Send allstaffer with instructions to reclaim naughty box items.
Underline need reclaim form signed at director level.
Receive email confirming three day First Aid training course with notable organisation. Start Monday. Begin detailed handover notes for Olivia.
That is all...
Underline need reclaim form signed at director level.
Receive email confirming three day First Aid training course with notable organisation. Start Monday. Begin detailed handover notes for Olivia.
That is all...
Sign here
New day. New start. Restore kitchen stocks to previous levels. White Tac – cleanliness contract to wall. Everyone must sign. Without full compliment of signatures kitchen items return to safety. Send allstaffer outlining agreement.
Good uptake.
It won’t last.
That is all...
Good uptake.
It won’t last.
That is all...
Monday
Go away!
Call. Again. We have a photocopier. Again. Happy with service. Again. Very happy with service. Again. No point putting time in next week. Again. Very happy with service. Again. No need to discuss further options. Again. There are no options. AGAIN! Go away. Won’t go away. Call in six months.
Tell receptionist I WILL be dead in six months.
No more photocopier calls.
Process payment for First Aid course with notable organisation. Await confirmation of course booking. Nerves. New people. Responsibility. Save lives. Give out plasters.
That is all...
Tell receptionist I WILL be dead in six months.
No more photocopier calls.
Process payment for First Aid course with notable organisation. Await confirmation of course booking. Nerves. New people. Responsibility. Save lives. Give out plasters.
That is all...
Learn RESPECT through REVENGE
All knives. Check. All forks. Check. All table spoons. Check. All tea spoons. Check. All mugs. Check. All glasses. Check. All bowls. Check. All side plates. Check. All large plates. Check. All kitchen items secured in a locked cupboard. Check.
Operation Clean Kitchen in action.
Screen grab faces of kitchen offenders from cam footage, paste them into an allstaffer and send it out laying clear blame at their feet.
No you can’t have a fork! All are punished because of the few. This is war and I will win.
Respect is a clean kitchen. I now have respect.
That is all...
Operation Clean Kitchen in action.
Screen grab faces of kitchen offenders from cam footage, paste them into an allstaffer and send it out laying clear blame at their feet.
No you can’t have a fork! All are punished because of the few. This is war and I will win.
Respect is a clean kitchen. I now have respect.
That is all...
Friday
NO RESPECT!!!!
Log into Kitchen Cam.
CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat flagrant abuse of the facilities.
It’s not working.
T-Bags on the kitchen top. Food on the kitchen top. Food in the sink. Dishes left to rot. Disease invited to lunch! Extreme measures needed. Allstaffer sent out with a warning. No response. Why would there be, they’ve all died from the dysentery they invited into the kitchen. If only. Think. Wait. Revenge.
That is all...
CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat flagrant abuse of the facilities.
It’s not working.
T-Bags on the kitchen top. Food on the kitchen top. Food in the sink. Dishes left to rot. Disease invited to lunch! Extreme measures needed. Allstaffer sent out with a warning. No response. Why would there be, they’ve all died from the dysentery they invited into the kitchen. If only. Think. Wait. Revenge.
That is all...
Decision time
End of week long paperclip trial!
Underwhelming lack of response RE Paperclip Debate. Even worse than Paper Towel comparison last October. Still, there have been no complaints or a negative response following introduction of Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip, I can move forward with a decision.
Congratulations, we are now a proud Silver Sheen 32mm environment. One paperclip salesman will get his bonus this year.
Deservedly so.
Great product.
That is all...
Underwhelming lack of response RE Paperclip Debate. Even worse than Paper Towel comparison last October. Still, there have been no complaints or a negative response following introduction of Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip, I can move forward with a decision.
Congratulations, we are now a proud Silver Sheen 32mm environment. One paperclip salesman will get his bonus this year.
Deservedly so.
Great product.
That is all...
Thursday
Leave me alone
Call. We have a photocopier. Happy with service. Very happy with service. No point putting time in next week. Very happy with service. No need to discuss further options. There are no options. Go away. Won’t go away. Call in six months.
Aim to be dead in six months to avoid call.
Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip vs Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped paperclip. Decision tomorrow.
That is all...
Aim to be dead in six months to avoid call.
Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip vs Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped paperclip. Decision tomorrow.
That is all...
Here again
The man in the scarf. Back again.
Yes standards have slipped. Again.
More attention to detail. Again.
Better communication with cleaners. Again.
Same weak handshake. Again.
They have a month to improve.
Note to investigate new cleaning companies. Dislike scarves.
That is all...
Yes standards have slipped. Again.
More attention to detail. Again.
Better communication with cleaners. Again.
Same weak handshake. Again.
They have a month to improve.
Note to investigate new cleaning companies. Dislike scarves.
That is all...
Wednesday
Meeting of Minds
The minutes before the meeting is due to begin there is a build up of excitement.
The air becomes thick with potential, the pounding heart of creativity is ready to beat and the free flowing beverage and note making facility will be right there at the centre of it. In those silent thrilling moments, I feel closer to God. Adjust spoon. Adjust spoon back. Nerves. Leave room.
Wait.
Delegates enter. Approach table. Heart beats strong. Pride. File dumped. Setting disturbed. Biscuits fall.
That is all...
The air becomes thick with potential, the pounding heart of creativity is ready to beat and the free flowing beverage and note making facility will be right there at the centre of it. In those silent thrilling moments, I feel closer to God. Adjust spoon. Adjust spoon back. Nerves. Leave room.
Wait.
Delegates enter. Approach table. Heart beats strong. Pride. File dumped. Setting disturbed. Biscuits fall.
That is all...
They’ve been set-up
A good meeting setup is essential for the free flow of ideas.
Glass table must be streak free. Easily accessible beverage options and note making facilities must be perpendicular to each other with a sound distance attaining to each item. The appearance should be neat and functional, not under any circumstances busy! Each delegate place setting should be equidistant from the previous. Chairs should be the same height. Glasses should be steams with no streaks. Mugs handles must all point in the direction of the next delegate. A buffed teaspoon must also be readily available. Biscuits must be arranged to look attractive and also attainable. Nobody will touch a hobnob if they feel it will bring the rest of the display crashing down. Napkins must be on hand to eradicate the impending danger of crumbs.
Enough time should be left to step back and assess the setup.
That is all...
Glass table must be streak free. Easily accessible beverage options and note making facilities must be perpendicular to each other with a sound distance attaining to each item. The appearance should be neat and functional, not under any circumstances busy! Each delegate place setting should be equidistant from the previous. Chairs should be the same height. Glasses should be steams with no streaks. Mugs handles must all point in the direction of the next delegate. A buffed teaspoon must also be readily available. Biscuits must be arranged to look attractive and also attainable. Nobody will touch a hobnob if they feel it will bring the rest of the display crashing down. Napkins must be on hand to eradicate the impending danger of crumbs.
Enough time should be left to step back and assess the setup.
That is all...
Tuesday
Stand by your beds…well, worskstations!
White glove. Check. Clipboard. Check. Inspection begins.
Top of picture frame. Dust. Top of stationery cupboard. Dust. Top of reception desk. Dust and what looks like crumbs from a digestive. Note to tell Olivia to not eat crumb generating snacks at reception... Note to tell Olivia not to eat any snacks at reception. Dust on work stations. Dust on printers. Dust on telephones. Dust on top of computer screens. Dust on keyboards. Dust! Scuff marks on the walls. Streaks on the floor tiles. No hand wash in the toilet. No hand towels in the toilet. Streaks on the mirror. Limescale around the kettle. No bag in the bin. Dust on the bin.
Dust EVERYWHERE!!!!!!
Note to get cleaners in for service review. Note extreme displeasure at service. Note to make comment about lack of service. I smile.
That is all...
Top of picture frame. Dust. Top of stationery cupboard. Dust. Top of reception desk. Dust and what looks like crumbs from a digestive. Note to tell Olivia to not eat crumb generating snacks at reception... Note to tell Olivia not to eat any snacks at reception. Dust on work stations. Dust on printers. Dust on telephones. Dust on top of computer screens. Dust on keyboards. Dust! Scuff marks on the walls. Streaks on the floor tiles. No hand wash in the toilet. No hand towels in the toilet. Streaks on the mirror. Limescale around the kettle. No bag in the bin. Dust on the bin.
Dust EVERYWHERE!!!!!!
Note to get cleaners in for service review. Note extreme displeasure at service. Note to make comment about lack of service. I smile.
That is all...
Silence
Phones dead. DHCP signal lost. Ringing silence. Nice silence. Unacceptable silence. Reset router. Find router. Which router? Switch off router. Switch back on. Nothing. Repeat. Nothing. Note to get telephone service provider in for review. Note to check service contract before review. Note to make ironic point in meeting about service or lack of it. I smile. Scratch. Scratch. Think. Think. Unplug router. Wait. Think. Think. Plug in router. Switch back on. Green light. Green light. Green light.
Victory!
Emerge from basement like conquering hero of old. Heroes welcome lacking. Non existent. Moral victory.
Paperclip debate still raging though still no response. Send out allstaffer with reminder for feedback.
That is all...
Victory!
Emerge from basement like conquering hero of old. Heroes welcome lacking. Non existent. Moral victory.
Paperclip debate still raging though still no response. Send out allstaffer with reminder for feedback.
That is all...
Monday
Battle of s**ts
Toilet blocked. Bleach and plunger armed and ready. It’s big and brown but I won’t back down. The mantra repeats in my head. It has to or I’d be sick. I taste sick anyway. It’s brief, like clubbing a brown seal. I am King of this castle. I may abdicate.
Still no response RE Paperclip debate – the keen stationery user is wise not to show his or her hand too soon. The battle continues!
That is all...
Still no response RE Paperclip debate – the keen stationery user is wise not to show his or her hand too soon. The battle continues!
That is all...
And so it begins
The 32mm Large Lipped paperclip is far superior to its thinner lipped cousin. It maintains fifty-two percent more grabbage based on the average A4 80gsm page. I know this because it’s my job to know this. If I didn’t know this I’d be ordering any old kind of paperclip, grabbage would not be achieved, pages would fall and chaos would ensue. It’s important.
I have been trialing the Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip to add a little variety to the office. If successful it will replace the Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped model that I have been using. It could go either way. The excitement of two titans of page grabbage going head to head is truly electric. Who will win? I’ll let the public decide. After all it is they that will benefit, it’s them on the front line, it’s them that need the grabbage.
I send out an allstaffer with a brief survey to complete in order to ascertain thoughts and opinions on the two rivals. My breath is truly baited.
That is all...
I have been trialing the Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip to add a little variety to the office. If successful it will replace the Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped model that I have been using. It could go either way. The excitement of two titans of page grabbage going head to head is truly electric. Who will win? I’ll let the public decide. After all it is they that will benefit, it’s them on the front line, it’s them that need the grabbage.
I send out an allstaffer with a brief survey to complete in order to ascertain thoughts and opinions on the two rivals. My breath is truly baited.
That is all...
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