Organise and attend one to one with Akil to give initial feedback on first week of work experience placement. Consult original emails from Akil detailing ambitions and expectations to be obtained and achieved through work experience placement. Consult transcript made of original telephone interview. Cross reference said ambitions and expectations with actual achievements. Note 53 percent uptake in achievement. Respectable start. Make reference to impeccable basement storage inventory. Make particular mention of colour coding used. First rate. Professional standard.
Move to other projects. Express disappointment with lack of movement with contraband fork investigation. Express increased disappointment with lack of surveillance on Olivia’s tea-making habits. Suggest personal feelings have clouded judgement. Akil refuses to spy on Olivia. Feels morally compromised. Suggest that moral compromise necessary for completion of work experience placement. Akil angry. Attempt compromise. Akil not interested. Express importance for negotiation in adult working life. Not interested. Express disappointment in declining attitude. Decide to terminate work experience placement.
That is all…
Friday
Meeting Moved
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond pointing out that this is a repeat email. Again. Forward email from yesterday regarding frustration at continuing movement of Office Move Meeting. Add addendum at frustration of receiving repeat emails and no firm answer regarding queries raised.
Receive out of office reply.
That is all…
Receive out of office reply.
That is all…
Thursday
Office Move update
Still no response RE taxi feedback. Send follow up allstaffer regarding importance of feedback in situation. All affected. No time to be indifferent. Expect limited response.
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond pointing out that a). This email has already been received. B). Frustration at continuing movement and insecurity of meeting. Important topic. Needs to be discussed. Additional growth needs to be acted upon asap. Attached received notification. Await response. None.
Observe Olivia and Akil sharing joke. Sharing banter. Observe Akil sharing joke and banter with other staff. Akil invited to Thursday pub session. Personal invite lacking. Contemplate going to pub anyway. Decide against. No invite. No welcome.
That is all…
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond pointing out that a). This email has already been received. B). Frustration at continuing movement and insecurity of meeting. Important topic. Needs to be discussed. Additional growth needs to be acted upon asap. Attached received notification. Await response. None.
Observe Olivia and Akil sharing joke. Sharing banter. Observe Akil sharing joke and banter with other staff. Akil invited to Thursday pub session. Personal invite lacking. Contemplate going to pub anyway. Decide against. No invite. No welcome.
That is all…
Taxi Update
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Send out immediate allstaffer with questionnaire referring to new taxi company. Bid to ascertain passenger satisfaction after one months service. Range of possible ratings for differing areas relating to personal and client transportation. Punctuality. Cleanliness of vehicle. Suitability of vehicle. Performance of vehicle. Performance of driver. Aptitude of driver. Cleanliness of driver. Furhter section to compare and contrast trialed firm with incumbent.
Receive email from Bald Goatee. Incumbent taxi company account manager. Monthly billing clearly shows lack of action. Apologises for not “coming back to me” sooner. Wishes to resolve issues as soon as possible. Three weeks after meeting! Respond informing Bald Goatee of trial with new company. Express concern of three week meeting feedback lead time. Question punctuality and dedication of incumbent taxi firm. Inform Bald Goatee “jury is out” on new company. Will respond accordingly upon receipt of sufficient feedback on trialed company. Note to feedback to Spikey goatee.
Inspect basement storage with newly categorised inventory. All present. All correct. Note to congratulate Akil on detail.
That is all…
Send out immediate allstaffer with questionnaire referring to new taxi company. Bid to ascertain passenger satisfaction after one months service. Range of possible ratings for differing areas relating to personal and client transportation. Punctuality. Cleanliness of vehicle. Suitability of vehicle. Performance of vehicle. Performance of driver. Aptitude of driver. Cleanliness of driver. Furhter section to compare and contrast trialed firm with incumbent.
Receive email from Bald Goatee. Incumbent taxi company account manager. Monthly billing clearly shows lack of action. Apologises for not “coming back to me” sooner. Wishes to resolve issues as soon as possible. Three weeks after meeting! Respond informing Bald Goatee of trial with new company. Express concern of three week meeting feedback lead time. Question punctuality and dedication of incumbent taxi firm. Inform Bald Goatee “jury is out” on new company. Will respond accordingly upon receipt of sufficient feedback on trialed company. Note to feedback to Spikey goatee.
Inspect basement storage with newly categorised inventory. All present. All correct. Note to congratulate Akil on detail.
That is all…
Wednesday
Hat returned. Fork Contraband Investigation.
Desk abandoned. Use stealth. Use cunning. Use time. Wisely. Identify what needs to be found. Office fork supply distinguishable by layered inverted crescent design. Contraband fork smooth double rim effect. Offending tea bag pyramid shape. Office supply round. Attack drawers. Keep below reception desk. Out of eyeline. Notice dust on floor. Note to email Man in the Scarf regarding dust negligence. Note to increase scope of cleaning inspection. Phone rings. Panic. Divert. Panic avoided. Desk approached. Finance junior. Crouch low. Finance junior departs. Quicken pace. Look through drawer. Nothing. Look through another drawer. Nothing. No evidence. Time running out. Stationery drawer. Nothing. No offending knives. No offending teabags. Olivia’s laugh. Sweet laugh. Panic. Abandon search. Retreat. Nothing.
Roof repair complete. Invoice produced. Hat returned. Shouty Shorts snatches back. Placid brummy silent. Inspect roof. Impressive. Note to get quote for redecorating damp areas. Potential weekend work. Shouty Shorts leaves.
Akil produces inventory. Detailed. Cross referenced. Colour coded. Nice. Boy will go far. Faith he will prevail with evidence after all.
That is all…
Roof repair complete. Invoice produced. Hat returned. Shouty Shorts snatches back. Placid brummy silent. Inspect roof. Impressive. Note to get quote for redecorating damp areas. Potential weekend work. Shouty Shorts leaves.
Akil produces inventory. Detailed. Cross referenced. Colour coded. Nice. Boy will go far. Faith he will prevail with evidence after all.
That is all…
Crime follow up and Roof Repair
Onsite early. Shouty Shorts arrives. Requests hat. Hat and Shorts reunited after completion of job. Shouty Shorts joined by Placid Brummy. Shouty Shorts shouts. Placid Brummy not appearing to listen. Show them to roof. Unlock door. Take care with new Redlam Compatible Cermam Tube Break Bolt.
Receive call from Olivia. Local Police representative in reception. Make joke her time is up. She laughs. I laugh. Only half joking. Contraband Fork investigation will prove joke to be real. No laughing then.
Laughing policeman. Too jolly. Crime has been committed. We share the same name. He laughs. I don’t. Show CCTV footage. Make copy. Submit evidence. PC Jolly requests tour of building. Assess building security. Proactive approach. Impressive.
Side alleyway. Needs gate with rolling razor wire. Front gate needs reinforced lock. Windows need security film. Alarm needs upgrading. More sensors. More break points. Make notes. CCTV fine. Possible need for smart water. Motion activated smoke alarm. Note to investigate both. Note to draw up security improvement plan. Note to consult Operations Budget. Note to request additional Security Operations Budget. PC Jolly gives card. Points out his name. Laughs that we have same name. He’s done that joke!
Observe Olivia and Akil. Talking. Laughing. Request inventory for basement storage. Akil returns to computer. Set deadline. Olivia sets up meeting. Reception unmanned. Note to liaise with finance office junior for manning of reception when left unmanned so manned all the time. By girls. Olivia away. Investigate for evidence.
That is all…
Receive call from Olivia. Local Police representative in reception. Make joke her time is up. She laughs. I laugh. Only half joking. Contraband Fork investigation will prove joke to be real. No laughing then.
Laughing policeman. Too jolly. Crime has been committed. We share the same name. He laughs. I don’t. Show CCTV footage. Make copy. Submit evidence. PC Jolly requests tour of building. Assess building security. Proactive approach. Impressive.
Side alleyway. Needs gate with rolling razor wire. Front gate needs reinforced lock. Windows need security film. Alarm needs upgrading. More sensors. More break points. Make notes. CCTV fine. Possible need for smart water. Motion activated smoke alarm. Note to investigate both. Note to draw up security improvement plan. Note to consult Operations Budget. Note to request additional Security Operations Budget. PC Jolly gives card. Points out his name. Laughs that we have same name. He’s done that joke!
Observe Olivia and Akil. Talking. Laughing. Request inventory for basement storage. Akil returns to computer. Set deadline. Olivia sets up meeting. Reception unmanned. Note to liaise with finance office junior for manning of reception when left unmanned so manned all the time. By girls. Olivia away. Investigate for evidence.
That is all…
Tuesday
Crime
Receive urgent email from member of staff. Great personal loss. Victim of crime. Front bike light stolen. Bikes stored in bike racks in front courtyard. Covered by CCTV. Commence investigation.
Interview member of staff. Ascertain rough time front bike light stolen.
Log into building CCTV system. Select camera relevant. Input time and date parameters. Review footage. 8.11am. Member of staff arrives. Secures bike. Adjusts trousers. Enters building. 8.16am. Second member of staff arrives. On foot. Talking on telephone. 8.23am. Hooded youth enters front courtyard. Looks around. Observes bikes in bike rack. Quickly identifies target. Steals forward. Steals light. 8.28. Retreats to street. Five minutes flat. Impressive. Log into secondary camera near street. East facing. No footage. Suggests hooded youth absconded in westerly direction.
Inform local Safer Neighbourhoods Policing Team. Note irony of name. Obtain crime reference number. Furnish member of staff with crime reference number for insurance purposes. Screen grab image of hooded youth. send out immediate allstaffer with image urging vigilance. Include brief recommendations for bike safety.
Receive several emails requesting bike haven inside office. Reject requests. Bike Policy remains. Violators of policy will have their bikes clamped. Possibly removed to front courtyard with no lock.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Interview member of staff. Ascertain rough time front bike light stolen.
Log into building CCTV system. Select camera relevant. Input time and date parameters. Review footage. 8.11am. Member of staff arrives. Secures bike. Adjusts trousers. Enters building. 8.16am. Second member of staff arrives. On foot. Talking on telephone. 8.23am. Hooded youth enters front courtyard. Looks around. Observes bikes in bike rack. Quickly identifies target. Steals forward. Steals light. 8.28. Retreats to street. Five minutes flat. Impressive. Log into secondary camera near street. East facing. No footage. Suggests hooded youth absconded in westerly direction.
Inform local Safer Neighbourhoods Policing Team. Note irony of name. Obtain crime reference number. Furnish member of staff with crime reference number for insurance purposes. Screen grab image of hooded youth. send out immediate allstaffer with image urging vigilance. Include brief recommendations for bike safety.
Receive several emails requesting bike haven inside office. Reject requests. Bike Policy remains. Violators of policy will have their bikes clamped. Possibly removed to front courtyard with no lock.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Securing Roof Access
Locksmith onsite. Tiny Italian. All hands. Make for roof. Examines door. Point out need for emergency exit in case of fire. Aware of fact. Decide on installation of Redlam Compatible Cermam Tube Break Bolt. Bolt secured with padlock. Ceram tube broken in case of emergency exit. Great product. Installation interrupted. Tiny Italian receives call. Shouts in foreign. Waves arms. Hangs up. Back to installation. No explanation. Finishes. Firm handshake.
Observe Akil making tea for Olivia. Not happy. Plan is for Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Not become one of them. Note to bring this up in daily feedback session. Note to mention feedback was not sufficient from previous session. Still no supporting evidence. Suspect Akil is switching loyalty. Observe Akil smiling. Observe Olivia smiling.
Investigate motion detection devices for Kitchen Cam security.
Instruct Akil to audit basement storage area. Require full inventory of stored items. In detail. Full days work.
That is all…
Observe Akil making tea for Olivia. Not happy. Plan is for Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Not become one of them. Note to bring this up in daily feedback session. Note to mention feedback was not sufficient from previous session. Still no supporting evidence. Suspect Akil is switching loyalty. Observe Akil smiling. Observe Olivia smiling.
Investigate motion detection devices for Kitchen Cam security.
Instruct Akil to audit basement storage area. Require full inventory of stored items. In detail. Full days work.
That is all…
Monday
Roofer Negotiation
Receive call from Shouting Shorts. Deaf roofer. Enquiring after lost hat. Inform that is has been tagged and bagged. Lost property. Requests return of hat via Royal Mail. Point out collection of hat can be made when job complete. May not be back onsite for three weeks. No hat for three weeks. Will come in Wednesday AM. Negotiation successful. Hat hostage key to resolution.
Note to complete securing of roof access. Wind earlier lifted cigarette butts. They fell to ground. Rain of cancer. Not good image for company. Contact locksmith. Book in for Tuesday AM
Akil infiltrating Olivia. Very friendly. Laughter. See flaw in earlier plan. Akil set to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Teabags and tea related equipment removed from kitchen and secured. Note to restore kitchen stocks tomorrow AM. Wait in anticipation for Akil’s report. Hoping for progress on Contraband Fork investigation.
Receive hoards of emails regarding missing tea and tea making equipment. Receive 30 percent less emails regarding coffee and coffee related equipment. Suggests tea favourable beverage of office. Note to decrease coffee supply order by 30 percent. Note to increase tea supply order accordingly. Note to audit sugar and sweetener.
That is all…
Note to complete securing of roof access. Wind earlier lifted cigarette butts. They fell to ground. Rain of cancer. Not good image for company. Contact locksmith. Book in for Tuesday AM
Akil infiltrating Olivia. Very friendly. Laughter. See flaw in earlier plan. Akil set to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits. Teabags and tea related equipment removed from kitchen and secured. Note to restore kitchen stocks tomorrow AM. Wait in anticipation for Akil’s report. Hoping for progress on Contraband Fork investigation.
Receive hoards of emails regarding missing tea and tea making equipment. Receive 30 percent less emails regarding coffee and coffee related equipment. Suggests tea favourable beverage of office. Note to decrease coffee supply order by 30 percent. Note to increase tea supply order accordingly. Note to audit sugar and sweetener.
That is all…
Akil and Bagging the Teabags
Arrive early. Office empty. Have instructed successful work experience placement candidate, Akil to be onsite. He arrives. Popeye arms. Muscle man. Weak handshake. Disappointed. Keen to start. Postpone Health and Safety induction. Make for kitchen. Attack storage cupboards with vigour. Remove all teabag and tea related equipment. Remove all coffee and coffee related equipment. Contact local shop. Cancel milk order. Akil assists. Confused. Useful. Secure tea and tea related equipment. Secure coffee and coffee related equipment. Send immediate allstaffer reemphasising Kitchen Hygiene Policy. Lay blame at feet of teabagger. Imagine Olivia’s reaction.
Conduct Health and Safety induction with Akil. Show fire exit routes and fire assembly point. Make joke about assembly point being opposite pub not in it. No laughter. Serious. Good. Explain importance of Health and Safety in work place. Relate story of disastrous full emergency evacuation drill.
Set up Akil with computer. Desk. Phone. Brief Akil on duties relating to work. Brief Akil on Olivia surveillance. Confused. Agrees. Plan engaged.
Olivia enters. I watch. Takes off coat. I watch. Switches on computer. I watch. Moves to kitchen. I watch. Opens cupboard. I watch. Looks for tea. I watch. Can’t find tea. I smile.
That is all…
Conduct Health and Safety induction with Akil. Show fire exit routes and fire assembly point. Make joke about assembly point being opposite pub not in it. No laughter. Serious. Good. Explain importance of Health and Safety in work place. Relate story of disastrous full emergency evacuation drill.
Set up Akil with computer. Desk. Phone. Brief Akil on duties relating to work. Brief Akil on Olivia surveillance. Confused. Agrees. Plan engaged.
Olivia enters. I watch. Takes off coat. I watch. Switches on computer. I watch. Moves to kitchen. I watch. Opens cupboard. I watch. Looks for tea. I watch. Can’t find tea. I smile.
That is all…
Friday
Work Experience and Teabagger
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Receive call from one of two potential work experience placement candidates. Akil. Very keen. Very eager. Unavailable for pre-arranged interview due to gastric flu. Questionable. Response to interview questions rated medium to impressive. Free ASAP. Could be tool in Contraband Fork investigation. Possible to team him up with Olivia when not needed by me. Keen to experience role. Willing to go out of remit when required. No job too small. Willing to work for travel reimbursement. Lives close. Travel reimbursement cost minimal. Way under budget. Engage services. To begin Monday AM.
Receive call from second of two potential work experience placement candidates. Lucy. Called too late. Not interested. Goodbye.
Anger. Kitchen hygiene has been violated. Teabag left in sink. Unacceptable. Blatant disregard for Kitchen Hygiene. Log into Kitchen Cam CCTV on food preparation area. Blank screen. Network feed not interrupted. Investigate. Piece of White 80gsm A4 paper secure in front of lens with Blue Tac. Remove paper. Remove Blue Tac. Remove slight grease residue of Blue Tac from wall. More anger. Teabag and lens obscuration blatant personal attack. Wait. Think. Revenge.
Note to assign Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits.
That is all…
Receive call from one of two potential work experience placement candidates. Akil. Very keen. Very eager. Unavailable for pre-arranged interview due to gastric flu. Questionable. Response to interview questions rated medium to impressive. Free ASAP. Could be tool in Contraband Fork investigation. Possible to team him up with Olivia when not needed by me. Keen to experience role. Willing to go out of remit when required. No job too small. Willing to work for travel reimbursement. Lives close. Travel reimbursement cost minimal. Way under budget. Engage services. To begin Monday AM.
Receive call from second of two potential work experience placement candidates. Lucy. Called too late. Not interested. Goodbye.
Anger. Kitchen hygiene has been violated. Teabag left in sink. Unacceptable. Blatant disregard for Kitchen Hygiene. Log into Kitchen Cam CCTV on food preparation area. Blank screen. Network feed not interrupted. Investigate. Piece of White 80gsm A4 paper secure in front of lens with Blue Tac. Remove paper. Remove Blue Tac. Remove slight grease residue of Blue Tac from wall. More anger. Teabag and lens obscuration blatant personal attack. Wait. Think. Revenge.
Note to assign Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits.
That is all…
Roof
Roofer onsite. In shorts. It’s winter. Long grey beard. Woolly hat. Shouts. Definitely deaf. Take tour of damp areas. Minor downpour previous evening providing fresh evidence of problem. Single Ply Roofing prone to leaks. Abscond for further investigation. Shorts clears stones. Investigates Polyurethane Membrane. Shorts shouts that possible breach has occurred. Microscopic holes caused by pressure from stones on Polyurethane Membrane. Pressure caused by people walking one stones. Observe used cigarette evidence suggesting area being used as break area. Note to send immediate allstaffer regarding roof access contravening Health and Safety policy. Disciplinary action for those that flout the rules. Note to point out Danger of Death. Note to make Danger of Death bold and change colour of text to red. Note to also underline. Danger of Death is serious. Note to investigate options to secure roof access further. Polyurethane membrane needs to be replaced. Note to add to allstaffer cost incurred from flirting with Danger of Death. Note to add smoking is also Danger of Death. Have second thoughts on last thought. Smoking is their choice. Roof is not. Shorts shouts goodbye. leaves woolly hat. Bits of beard hair in it. Bag it. Tag it as lost property.
Attempt contact with work experience candidates. Both fail to answer phone. Telephone interview pr-arranged. Disregard for order apparent. Have second thoughts. They have until midday to return calls.
That is all…
Attempt contact with work experience candidates. Both fail to answer phone. Telephone interview pr-arranged. Disregard for order apparent. Have second thoughts. They have until midday to return calls.
That is all…
Thursday
Work Experience Update and Risk Assessment
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Friday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Receive emails back from three potential Work Experience candidates. Not impressive. Decide on two for telephone interview. Arrange time Friday AM. Draw up questions.
Receive email from Managing Director regarding Risk Assessment. “Do what I need to do – don’t understand H&S.” Respond accordingly. Point out that post office move need new Risk Assessment. Doubt response. Begin plan to implement changes.
Subtle enquiries regarding Fork Policy violation. Negative outcome. Olivia protected. Need rethink. Need conclusion.
That is all…
Receive emails back from three potential Work Experience candidates. Not impressive. Decide on two for telephone interview. Arrange time Friday AM. Draw up questions.
Receive email from Managing Director regarding Risk Assessment. “Do what I need to do – don’t understand H&S.” Respond accordingly. Point out that post office move need new Risk Assessment. Doubt response. Begin plan to implement changes.
Subtle enquiries regarding Fork Policy violation. Negative outcome. Olivia protected. Need rethink. Need conclusion.
That is all…
Risk Assessment – Health and Safety Policy
Begin annual update of Health and Safety Policy. Consult previous Health and Safety Policy. Limited in detail. Insufficient. Written by novice. Note to inform Managing Director of predecessors failings. Again. Full overhaul of Health and Safety Policy required. New Health and Safety Policy required.
In line with Health and Safety regulations conduct Risk Assessment of offices. Step 1. Look for hazards. Ignore trivial. Concentrate on significant hazards. List hazards in column 1 of assessment form. Step 2. Think about people who might be harmed and how. Take into account people who may not be in workplace at all times. Cleaners. Man in the Scarf. Visitors. Contractors. List people who may be harmed in column 2 of assessment form. Step 3. Decide whether existing precautions are adequate. Negative. Further precautions are required to be implemented. Ask the question, “Can I eliminate the hazard?” If not, “How can I control it?” List all the controls that are in place in column 3. Step 4. In column 4. Risk factor. Assess the likelihood of the event actually occurring and severity of the event if an accident were to occur. When determined, calculate factor. Multiply the probability and the severity to decide whether risks are determined to be low. Medium. High. Step 5. List further action needed to adequately control the risk. Step 6. Review assessment. Make amendments. Submit Risk Assessment to Managing Director. Await response.
Risk Assessment complete. Begin new Health and Safety Policy. Be thorough. Be vigorous. Be vigilant. Health and Safety is the sleeping partner of any business.
That is all…
In line with Health and Safety regulations conduct Risk Assessment of offices. Step 1. Look for hazards. Ignore trivial. Concentrate on significant hazards. List hazards in column 1 of assessment form. Step 2. Think about people who might be harmed and how. Take into account people who may not be in workplace at all times. Cleaners. Man in the Scarf. Visitors. Contractors. List people who may be harmed in column 2 of assessment form. Step 3. Decide whether existing precautions are adequate. Negative. Further precautions are required to be implemented. Ask the question, “Can I eliminate the hazard?” If not, “How can I control it?” List all the controls that are in place in column 3. Step 4. In column 4. Risk factor. Assess the likelihood of the event actually occurring and severity of the event if an accident were to occur. When determined, calculate factor. Multiply the probability and the severity to decide whether risks are determined to be low. Medium. High. Step 5. List further action needed to adequately control the risk. Step 6. Review assessment. Make amendments. Submit Risk Assessment to Managing Director. Await response.
Risk Assessment complete. Begin new Health and Safety Policy. Be thorough. Be vigorous. Be vigilant. Health and Safety is the sleeping partner of any business.
That is all…
Wednesday
Work Experience and Kitchen Cam
Consult work experience candidate file. Investigate CV’s for potential two week placement. Start ASAP. Look for outstanding applicants. None. Look for enthusiasm. Limited. Look for good grammar. Three potentials selected. Send immediate email to three potential candidates requesting further information relating to goals. Ambitions. Await response.
Kitchen Cam returned to full functionality. Position moved. More secure. Hidden. Network feed for Kitchen Cam strengthened. Further security. Set Kitchen Cam to record between 8am and 8pm.
Make discrete enquiries regarding Fork Policy infringement. Try small talk. Don’t like small talk.
That is all…
Kitchen Cam returned to full functionality. Position moved. More secure. Hidden. Network feed for Kitchen Cam strengthened. Further security. Set Kitchen Cam to record between 8am and 8pm.
Make discrete enquiries regarding Fork Policy infringement. Try small talk. Don’t like small talk.
That is all…
Fork Policy Compromised
Receive response from Olivia RE suspicious lack of sign-in and sign-out of forks. Anger. Certain individual has black-market fork business. Providing disposable and regular forks for general usage. Actions contravene Fork Policy. Identity unknown. Think. Draw up list of suspects. Include Olivia. Move Olivia to top. Opportunity. Check. Reception is central. Heart of company. Comes into contact with everyone. Easy to move contraband forks through area. Motive. Check. Gain favour within company. Be seen as friendly face amongst sea of policies. Resources. Weekly petty cash budget. Fully equipped stationery/office equipment catalogue. Note to check invoices. Note to approach Olivia with caution. Do not want to compromise spoon policies. Gather evidence before accusation. Strike other suspects from list.
Send immediate allstaffer informing that I am aware of underground fork activity. Unnerve Olivia. Unnerve her she makes a mistake.
Log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat abuse of services. Blank screen. Investigate network connection. Fully functional. Conduct physical inspection. Anger. Camera disconnected. Disregard for system. DISRESPECT!
Send immediate allstaffer informing of damage to company property. Point out legal charges could be brought against assailant.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer informing that I am aware of underground fork activity. Unnerve Olivia. Unnerve her she makes a mistake.
Log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat abuse of services. Blank screen. Investigate network connection. Fully functional. Conduct physical inspection. Anger. Camera disconnected. Disregard for system. DISRESPECT!
Send immediate allstaffer informing of damage to company property. Point out legal charges could be brought against assailant.
That is all…
Tuesday
Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System
Engineer onsite. Burly. Blocked nose. Sniff. Sniff. Doesn’t need help. Show him doors. Leave him to it.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Still no response RE my event.
Contact maintenance company to book roofing expert to attend. None available for three months. Hang up. Research original company to install single ply roof. Building new build. Roof still within warranty. Contact company. Speak to roofer. Shouts down phone. Possibly deaf. Book consultation. Attending Friday AM. Check weather forecast. Dry until Thursday PM. Possible problem. Downpour would highlight flooded area. Necessary evil.
Receive emails regarding Table Spoon Policy. As predicted not popular. Refute claims of childish behaviour.
Receive response from the Man in the Scarf. Requests meeting. Counter with cleaners to improve then meeting. No response.
Send immediate email to Olivia regarding suspicious lack of sign-in and sign-out of forks. Possible explanation requested. She’ll get back to me. Smiley face. I smile.
Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System replaced. Complete tests. Functioning within parameters. Engineer sniffs off.
That is all…
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
Still no response RE my event.
Contact maintenance company to book roofing expert to attend. None available for three months. Hang up. Research original company to install single ply roof. Building new build. Roof still within warranty. Contact company. Speak to roofer. Shouts down phone. Possibly deaf. Book consultation. Attending Friday AM. Check weather forecast. Dry until Thursday PM. Possible problem. Downpour would highlight flooded area. Necessary evil.
Receive emails regarding Table Spoon Policy. As predicted not popular. Refute claims of childish behaviour.
Receive response from the Man in the Scarf. Requests meeting. Counter with cleaners to improve then meeting. No response.
Send immediate email to Olivia regarding suspicious lack of sign-in and sign-out of forks. Possible explanation requested. She’ll get back to me. Smiley face. I smile.
Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System replaced. Complete tests. Functioning within parameters. Engineer sniffs off.
That is all…
Office Overnight
Use overnight stay productively. Research Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System in lieu of engineer visit. Operating voltage 12/24VDC. Current draw 1.0 Amps @ 12VDC. Holding force up to 1200lbs/545kgs (x2). Satin Aluminium Anodised finish. Fail safe (unlocked). Installation requires leaf of door to be removed. Leaf weight=approx 250kgs. Await arrival of engineer. Interest in Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolting Locking System raised.
Cleaners attend past midnight. Observe work pattern/ethic. Work very hard do very little. Consult cleaning schedule. Send immediate email to Man in the Scarf detailing failings in compliance with cleaning schedule. Point out failings of cleaning schedule is breach of contract. Demand immediate action.
Reconsider organisation of Burlesque Life Drawing event. Compose email to Direct Line Manager. CC Managing Director. Point out farcical approach to Full Emergency Evacuation Drill must be punished. Legal requirement treated as joke. Request guidance. Suggest Pancake Evening may be more appropriate event. Under circumstances.
Decamp to kitchen. Remove all table spoons. Send immediate allstaffer regarding new Table Spoon Policy. Exactly same principal as Fork Policy (Dated 5 February). Furnish Olivia with Table Spoon/Fork Signout Form. Check progress of Fork Policy. Minimal amount of signout and return. Note to investigate.
Complete Building Inspection. Observe damp in several places. Note to get roofing company in for inspection. Note to check weather forecast. Note to insist of roof visit before next bout of heavy rain.
Complete Biscuit Audit. Stocks correct. Observe diet book on Olivia’s desk. Put two and two together. Arrive at four. Note to tell Olivia not to leave personal reading material on desk. Note to tell Olivia to observe highly unpopular clear desk policy. Note to tell cleaners to carry out clear desk instructions more vehemently.
That is all…
Cleaners attend past midnight. Observe work pattern/ethic. Work very hard do very little. Consult cleaning schedule. Send immediate email to Man in the Scarf detailing failings in compliance with cleaning schedule. Point out failings of cleaning schedule is breach of contract. Demand immediate action.
Reconsider organisation of Burlesque Life Drawing event. Compose email to Direct Line Manager. CC Managing Director. Point out farcical approach to Full Emergency Evacuation Drill must be punished. Legal requirement treated as joke. Request guidance. Suggest Pancake Evening may be more appropriate event. Under circumstances.
Decamp to kitchen. Remove all table spoons. Send immediate allstaffer regarding new Table Spoon Policy. Exactly same principal as Fork Policy (Dated 5 February). Furnish Olivia with Table Spoon/Fork Signout Form. Check progress of Fork Policy. Minimal amount of signout and return. Note to investigate.
Complete Building Inspection. Observe damp in several places. Note to get roofing company in for inspection. Note to check weather forecast. Note to insist of roof visit before next bout of heavy rain.
Complete Biscuit Audit. Stocks correct. Observe diet book on Olivia’s desk. Put two and two together. Arrive at four. Note to tell Olivia not to leave personal reading material on desk. Note to tell Olivia to observe highly unpopular clear desk policy. Note to tell cleaners to carry out clear desk instructions more vehemently.
That is all…
Monday
Front Door
Electronic front door malfunction. Investigate. Key locking function in tact. Fuse board in tact. Beyond personal remit. Contact installation company. Solenoid Electromagnetic Bolt Locking System guaranteed for five years. Within warranty. Request engineer visit. Three weeks call time. Express disgust at three week response time. Express importance of company. Company request additional payment for immediate call out. Weigh up options of immediate call out and necessity for security guard for three weeks. Agree to immediate call out fee. Begrudgingly. Engineer scheduled for tomorrow PM. Contemplate security guard option for one day. Decide on personal presence overnight. Make request to finance for petty cash to obtain essentials. Submit relevant purchase order number. Evening meal. Blanket. Slippers. Request confirmed. Request approved. Select slippers. Email Olivia to make relevant purchases.
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.
That is all…
Friday
Office Move and Full Emergency Evacuation drill Prep
Receive email from Managing Director’s PA. Meeting scheduled for Monday PM. Discuss office move with partners/department heads. Need to present alternatives in “understandable” manner. Construct brief and to the point PowerPoint presentation. Avoid inclusion of formulae. Not appropriate.
Confirm with Olivia meeting void for Monday am. Full Emergency Evacuation Drill on! Secure clipboard. Secure stop-watch. Anticipate failure. Hope for best.
That is all…
Confirm with Olivia meeting void for Monday am. Full Emergency Evacuation Drill on! Secure clipboard. Secure stop-watch. Anticipate failure. Hope for best.
That is all…
USB Devices
Company USB device stocks running low. Investigate replacement. Current USB device branded. Company logo. Company name. Artwork not dynamic. Flat. Unrepresentative of company message. Instruct Design Studio to produce new artwork. Set deadline as ASAP. Await proofs.
Peruse types of USB devices. Elko Drive. In efficient. Cyber Drive. Bulky. Twister Drive. Effective. Sleek. Wristband Drive. Quirky. Ridiculous. Curve Drive. Confusing. Bullet Drive. Negative connotations. Funky Drive. Ridiculous. Pod drive. Sleek. Innovative. Expensive. Decide against trialling USB devices in office environment. Select Twister Drive Mark II.
Receive updated artwork. Impressed at rapid response from Design Studio. Must be new team member. Won’t last.
Attach proof and order form to email. Send to USB device supplier. Receive proforma invoice. Forward to Finance Department with relevant Purchase Order number. Instruct to pay deposit and remainder on receipt of order.
Compare remaining stock of USB devices to lead time for new order. Calculate rationing programme based on current usage. Send immediate allstaffer informing all of USB Device Rationing Policy.
That is all…
Peruse types of USB devices. Elko Drive. In efficient. Cyber Drive. Bulky. Twister Drive. Effective. Sleek. Wristband Drive. Quirky. Ridiculous. Curve Drive. Confusing. Bullet Drive. Negative connotations. Funky Drive. Ridiculous. Pod drive. Sleek. Innovative. Expensive. Decide against trialling USB devices in office environment. Select Twister Drive Mark II.
Receive updated artwork. Impressed at rapid response from Design Studio. Must be new team member. Won’t last.
Attach proof and order form to email. Send to USB device supplier. Receive proforma invoice. Forward to Finance Department with relevant Purchase Order number. Instruct to pay deposit and remainder on receipt of order.
Compare remaining stock of USB devices to lead time for new order. Calculate rationing programme based on current usage. Send immediate allstaffer informing all of USB Device Rationing Policy.
That is all…
Thursday
Office Move and Event Planning
Receive email from Managing Director regarding proposed office move options. Doesn’t understand formula. Must simplify presentation to show to other partners/department heads. Create simplified floor plans. Remove scaled measurements. Remove statistics. Include only people/department clusters. Send immediate email with amended plans to Managing Director. Extend invitation to relate formula etc with department heads.
Receive email from Olivia with initial costings for events. Burlesque Life Drawing. Expensive. Pancake Night. Inexpensive. Lacks appeal. Suspect limited interested in batter based entertainment. Request feedback from Olivia on event. Burlesque Life Drawing seems favourite. Email Olivia with additional thoughts on event from earlier list.
Group pottery class. Foosball tournament. Poker tournament. Cocktail lessons. Pole dancing lessons. Massage and pampering. Wine tasting. Ping Pong lessons/tournament. Real ale tasting. Hairdressing lessons. Life drawing class. Burlesque dancing class. Salsa night. Cheese and Wine night.
Olivia responds with Burlesque Life Drawing Class. Break down barriers. Inhibitions. Suggests I model. Includes smiley face. Suggest Olivia models? Decide not to. Respond to book date. Include smiley face. Delete smiley face.
That is all…
Receive email from Olivia with initial costings for events. Burlesque Life Drawing. Expensive. Pancake Night. Inexpensive. Lacks appeal. Suspect limited interested in batter based entertainment. Request feedback from Olivia on event. Burlesque Life Drawing seems favourite. Email Olivia with additional thoughts on event from earlier list.
Group pottery class. Foosball tournament. Poker tournament. Cocktail lessons. Pole dancing lessons. Massage and pampering. Wine tasting. Ping Pong lessons/tournament. Real ale tasting. Hairdressing lessons. Life drawing class. Burlesque dancing class. Salsa night. Cheese and Wine night.
Olivia responds with Burlesque Life Drawing Class. Break down barriers. Inhibitions. Suggests I model. Includes smiley face. Suggest Olivia models? Decide not to. Respond to book date. Include smiley face. Delete smiley face.
That is all…
Fire Warden Training
Early start. Bacon sandwiches. Incentive to attend. Tea. Coffee. Orange juice. Plates. Serviettes. Check watch. Fire Wardens arrive. Make for sandwiches. Sit. Chat. All in attendance. Begin. Powerpoint. Importance of updated Fire Policy. Statistics of work related fire death. Fire Warden responsibilities. Each assigned area to evacuate. Run through procedure. Inform there will be casualties. Don’t inform who casualties will be. Or where. Resistance to wearing of vests. Point out importance of vests. Need to be visible. Need to be visibly in control. Point taken. Jokes about fashion. Not funny. Serious responsibility. Decamp from meeting room. Walk fire escape routes. Walk 130 feet to fire assembly point. Reassess area for suitability. Explain reason for location. Dismiss Fire Wardens. Confident in abilities.
Covertly meet with Casualties. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Explain in detail remit. Lots of laughter. Not funny serious responsibility. Essential for allocated personnel to know what to do in emergency situation. Casualties debate who has hardest role. Blind asks if she can have a dog. Respond accordingly. Pregnant asks if I think she is fat. Respond accordingly. Broken leg asks which leg. Respond accordingly. Dead asks what he died of. Don’t respond. Just stare. Uncomfortable. Dismiss Casualties. Not confident in abilities.
That is all…
Covertly meet with Casualties. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Explain in detail remit. Lots of laughter. Not funny serious responsibility. Essential for allocated personnel to know what to do in emergency situation. Casualties debate who has hardest role. Blind asks if she can have a dog. Respond accordingly. Pregnant asks if I think she is fat. Respond accordingly. Broken leg asks which leg. Respond accordingly. Dead asks what he died of. Don’t respond. Just stare. Uncomfortable. Dismiss Casualties. Not confident in abilities.
That is all…
Wednesday
Full Emergency and Evacuation Drill Plan
Send immediate selected-staffer to assigned Fire Wardens. Schedule fire warden retraining in lieu of planned full emergency evacuation drill. Ascertain possession of florescent Fire Warden vests. Receive confirmations from all for training. Send additional selected-staffer thanking for quick response.
Nominate people to be casualties in said Full Emergency Evacuation Drill. Consult employee list for said casualties. Assign roles. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Send selected-staffer to casualties. Inform of duties.
Contact fire alarm company. Instruct to test line for fire brigade immediate response.
Email Olivia to obtain quotes for “My Event.” Request suitable dates. Quiet periods. No meetings.
That is all…
Nominate people to be casualties in said Full Emergency Evacuation Drill. Consult employee list for said casualties. Assign roles. Blind. Pregnant. Broken leg. Dead. Send selected-staffer to casualties. Inform of duties.
Contact fire alarm company. Instruct to test line for fire brigade immediate response.
Email Olivia to obtain quotes for “My Event.” Request suitable dates. Quiet periods. No meetings.
That is all…
Office Move
Company expansion. More effective use of space required. Departments to integrate. Form more efficient cohesive working environment. Check dimensions of available and used office space. Factor in minimum space per person. 75mtresq. Calculate space required for furniture. Space for printers. Fire and Evacuation routes.
Side note to devote afternoon to planned full emergency evacuation drill.
Begin space allocation formula. Take head count of company and convert each head(person) to be a percentage of company. Allocate head count percentages to departments. Work out percentage of departments in relation to overall percentage of company. Contrast percentage of space related to 75sqft minimum space allocated per person to percentage per department. Allocate percentage of space to department. Apply space percentage allocation to measurements on floor plans. Construct scale drawings of new floor layout. Create three further alternative floor layouts. Include formula for due diligence. Work out rough estimates for move. Work out rough estimates for refurbishment and additional furniture. Build timeline for each alternate floor layouts.
Send immediate email to Managing Director with four alternate floor plans for space/person allocation. Include pros of each. Include cons of each. Make recommendations on most effective. Rate each alternative.
That is all…
Side note to devote afternoon to planned full emergency evacuation drill.
Begin space allocation formula. Take head count of company and convert each head(person) to be a percentage of company. Allocate head count percentages to departments. Work out percentage of departments in relation to overall percentage of company. Contrast percentage of space related to 75sqft minimum space allocated per person to percentage per department. Allocate percentage of space to department. Apply space percentage allocation to measurements on floor plans. Construct scale drawings of new floor layout. Create three further alternative floor layouts. Include formula for due diligence. Work out rough estimates for move. Work out rough estimates for refurbishment and additional furniture. Build timeline for each alternate floor layouts.
Send immediate email to Managing Director with four alternate floor plans for space/person allocation. Include pros of each. Include cons of each. Make recommendations on most effective. Rate each alternative.
That is all…
Tuesday
Taxi Meeting(s)
Meet with taxi company account manager. Bald. Goatee. Designer glasses. Cheap suit. Question 12% admin fee on each fair. Essential for quality of service. Counter with list of complaints from staff. Driver unaware of location – despite Sat Nav. Wrong sized care. Wrong type of car. Late arrival. Stopping for fuel. Minor traffic accident – driver at fault. Bald Goatee will investigate. Demand journey credit/one month minus admin fee. Bald Goatee will investigate. Shake hands. Sovereign ring. Bracelet. Dislike Sovereign rings. Bracelet mildly tasteful.
Bald Goatee leaves. Olivia introduces taxi company rep. Called in “on the off chance.” Spikey. Goatee. Check time. Have time. Return to meeting room. Spikey confident. Laughs. Jokes. Get on with it. Same journey price. Minus service charge. Fleet not as big as incumbent company. One month trial.
Send immediate allstaffer detailing temporary Taxi Policy. All cabs to be booked with new company. Provide details. Install password on old account to prevent booking. Consider password and job codes for new company. Reduce frivolous abuse of taxi account.
That is all…
Bald Goatee leaves. Olivia introduces taxi company rep. Called in “on the off chance.” Spikey. Goatee. Check time. Have time. Return to meeting room. Spikey confident. Laughs. Jokes. Get on with it. Same journey price. Minus service charge. Fleet not as big as incumbent company. One month trial.
Send immediate allstaffer detailing temporary Taxi Policy. All cabs to be booked with new company. Provide details. Install password on old account to prevent booking. Consider password and job codes for new company. Reduce frivolous abuse of taxi account.
That is all…
Plan for event
Begin list of possible staff events to organise. Group pottery class. Karaoke. Pancake night. Cross out karaoke. Office not ready for “Oh Carol.” Foosball tournament. Poker tournament. Cocktail lessons. Pole dancing lessons. Massage and pampering. Wine tasting. Ping Pong lessons/tournament. Real ale tasting. Hairdressing lessons. Life drawing class. Burlesque life drawing class. Burlesque dancing class. Salsa night. Cheese and Wine night.
Review list. Narrow down two possibles.
Burlesque life drawing. Pancake night.
Note to draw up pros and cons to each. Note to get cost for each. Note to get Olivia to assist with organisation.
That is all…
Review list. Narrow down two possibles.
Burlesque life drawing. Pancake night.
Note to draw up pros and cons to each. Note to get cost for each. Note to get Olivia to assist with organisation.
That is all…
Monday
Annual Appraisal
Enter meeting room. Direct Line Manager stands. Smiles. Offers me tea. I accept. She pours. Offers me biscuit. I wince. Biscuits to be used for external client meetings only. Especially chocolate digestives. Decide to mention Biscuit Policy at end of meeting. Direct Line manager turns over appraisal form.
Strengths. Highly organised. Good attention to detail. Effective management of operational budget. Punctual.
Areas for improvement. HR phrase for weaknesses. Overly officious all staff emails. Too many all staff emails. TOO MUCH attention to detail. No social interaction with staff. Tendency to dictate ideas. Policies unpopular. Unwilling to compromise. No positive energy. Reacts badly to criticism.
Wait. Digest.
Feedback. Address points of criticism. Emails need to be direct and too the point. If an issue arises an email needs to be sent out. Many points arise each day. Effective communication method. Know emails ignored. Irrelevant. Email sent=issue raised. Attention to detail essential. Use HR speak. Like to run a tight ship. Like a well oiled machine. Eye on the ball. Run out of clichéd lines. Social interaction not forthcoming. Wouldn’t mind. Suggest organising work function. Good idea. Note to organize function. Note to decide what. Note to use money from entertainment budget. Note to decide why. Don’t dictate. Need to be direct – mentioned earlier. Policies not meant to be popular. Meant to make workplace more efficient. Willing to compromise on sensible terms. Non ever presented. Put energy into role. Positive outcome. Do not react badly to criticism when criticism is constructive. Appraisal not constructive.
Take appraisal onboard.
Remind Direct Line Manager of Biscuit Policy.
That is all…
Strengths. Highly organised. Good attention to detail. Effective management of operational budget. Punctual.
Areas for improvement. HR phrase for weaknesses. Overly officious all staff emails. Too many all staff emails. TOO MUCH attention to detail. No social interaction with staff. Tendency to dictate ideas. Policies unpopular. Unwilling to compromise. No positive energy. Reacts badly to criticism.
Wait. Digest.
Feedback. Address points of criticism. Emails need to be direct and too the point. If an issue arises an email needs to be sent out. Many points arise each day. Effective communication method. Know emails ignored. Irrelevant. Email sent=issue raised. Attention to detail essential. Use HR speak. Like to run a tight ship. Like a well oiled machine. Eye on the ball. Run out of clichéd lines. Social interaction not forthcoming. Wouldn’t mind. Suggest organising work function. Good idea. Note to organize function. Note to decide what. Note to use money from entertainment budget. Note to decide why. Don’t dictate. Need to be direct – mentioned earlier. Policies not meant to be popular. Meant to make workplace more efficient. Willing to compromise on sensible terms. Non ever presented. Put energy into role. Positive outcome. Do not react badly to criticism when criticism is constructive. Appraisal not constructive.
Take appraisal onboard.
Remind Direct Line Manager of Biscuit Policy.
That is all…
CCTV Upgrade
CCTV company arrive to replace broken camera. Three month wait. Providing upgrade and additional camera. Good will gesture. Engineers more likely to be caught on camera than installing one. Call me mate. Guv. Flirt with Olivia. Note to go over contractor relations policy with Olivia. In particular not distracting said contractors from doing work. Makes them tea. Doesn’t make me tea. Never makes me tea. Make own tea. Return to desk.
Receive follow up email from Area Stationery Rep. New price list attached. Review with interest. Trial price for Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip to remain indefinitely. New range of alternate products present 40% saving across the board. Pleased. Respond to email accepting new product range. Make point that costs should be reviewed ongoing. Shouldn’t take threat of contract termination to initiate review. Account management should be proactive. Suggest monthly meetings. Remember ‘talon’ nails. Suggest quarterly meetings. Suggest more detailed invoices. Note to tell Olivia to log who orders what stationery. Send out immediate allstaffer with new Stationery Policy. All stationery to be ordered through Olivia. Submit form signed by line manager for items requested. Form attached. Receive emails back asking for a drawing pin. A rubber. A piece of paper. Delete. Delete. Delete.
New camera installed. CCTV now networked. Able to log in from arm. Efficient. Pleased. Quality of new cameras superb. Test capability. Zoom in on bike racks. See Olivia leaving for lunch. Follow Olivia. Watch Olivia. Sign engineers paperwork. Olivia gone.
Decide to time her lunch break. Time code footage. Wait.
That is all…
Receive follow up email from Area Stationery Rep. New price list attached. Review with interest. Trial price for Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip to remain indefinitely. New range of alternate products present 40% saving across the board. Pleased. Respond to email accepting new product range. Make point that costs should be reviewed ongoing. Shouldn’t take threat of contract termination to initiate review. Account management should be proactive. Suggest monthly meetings. Remember ‘talon’ nails. Suggest quarterly meetings. Suggest more detailed invoices. Note to tell Olivia to log who orders what stationery. Send out immediate allstaffer with new Stationery Policy. All stationery to be ordered through Olivia. Submit form signed by line manager for items requested. Form attached. Receive emails back asking for a drawing pin. A rubber. A piece of paper. Delete. Delete. Delete.
New camera installed. CCTV now networked. Able to log in from arm. Efficient. Pleased. Quality of new cameras superb. Test capability. Zoom in on bike racks. See Olivia leaving for lunch. Follow Olivia. Watch Olivia. Sign engineers paperwork. Olivia gone.
Decide to time her lunch break. Time code footage. Wait.
That is all…
Friday
Olivia Appraisal
Pad. Set. Pen. Set. Water jug. Full. Glasses. Set. Wait. Check appraisal document. Check time. Olivia enters. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Comment? I decide not. She sits. She smiles. Make joke about appraisal being painless. She returns with joke about being away from desk. I don’t laugh. It’s her job. She doesn’t notice. I begin.
Overview. Positive. Makes good impression on people. Good to work with. Pleasant smile. Lovely smile. I digress. Approachable. Can do attitude. She smiles. I smile. Inside.
Strengths. Covered. She smiles.
Areas for improvement. Consult notes. Could be smarter. She smiles. More attention to detail on cab and courier bookings and meeting beverages requests. She smiles. She agrees.
Her feedback. Enjoys company. Enjoys people. Some people. I smile. She does not. Would like to grow role. Would like to learn more about other departments. Note to speak to other departments about days shadowing. Note to devolve certain duties from my post to Olivia. Note to not devolve too many.
Summary. Doing well. Well liked. Eager to progress. Firm up areas of current role first. Objectives to improve set. Appraisal successful. She leaves. I write down notes. No notes. I just write.
Email HR completed appraisal form. Receive email back confirming my appraisal for Monday PM. Begin personal feedback.
That is all…
Overview. Positive. Makes good impression on people. Good to work with. Pleasant smile. Lovely smile. I digress. Approachable. Can do attitude. She smiles. I smile. Inside.
Strengths. Covered. She smiles.
Areas for improvement. Consult notes. Could be smarter. She smiles. More attention to detail on cab and courier bookings and meeting beverages requests. She smiles. She agrees.
Her feedback. Enjoys company. Enjoys people. Some people. I smile. She does not. Would like to grow role. Would like to learn more about other departments. Note to speak to other departments about days shadowing. Note to devolve certain duties from my post to Olivia. Note to not devolve too many.
Summary. Doing well. Well liked. Eager to progress. Firm up areas of current role first. Objectives to improve set. Appraisal successful. She leaves. I write down notes. No notes. I just write.
Email HR completed appraisal form. Receive email back confirming my appraisal for Monday PM. Begin personal feedback.
That is all…
Fork Policy Teaspoon Policy
Remove all forks from kitchen. Remove all but one teaspoon from kitchen. Secure cutlery in locked draw.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Teaspoon Policy. Only one to be in use due to teaspoons being discarded willy-nilly in the sink. Unacceptable use of tea making facility.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Fork Policy. All staff are allowed one fork. Fork must be signed out at the start of the day and then returned at the end of the day. Fork must be clean. If fork is not signed back in staff member will not receive fork the next day. Simple. Effective.
Receive replies calling Fork Policy juvenile. Resist urge to reply with ironic remarks. Dignity in silence. The Fork Policy stands.
Teaspoon Policy received no complaints.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Teaspoon Policy. Only one to be in use due to teaspoons being discarded willy-nilly in the sink. Unacceptable use of tea making facility.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Fork Policy. All staff are allowed one fork. Fork must be signed out at the start of the day and then returned at the end of the day. Fork must be clean. If fork is not signed back in staff member will not receive fork the next day. Simple. Effective.
Receive replies calling Fork Policy juvenile. Resist urge to reply with ironic remarks. Dignity in silence. The Fork Policy stands.
Teaspoon Policy received no complaints.
That is all…
Thursday
Let there be light
Electrician in attendance. Australian. Wiring at fault. Avoided fire due to emergency override on fuseboard. Note to step up emergency evacuation drill. Note to get fire alarm serviced. Note to contact landlord of building regarding faulty wiring. Fuse blocks replaced. Circuit breaker reset. Re-energise. Switch each fuse on. Success. Success. Success. Success x 24. Result. All lights on. All computers rebooted. Re-energise complete. Return VIP employees to their desks. Take down improvised electrical extensions. All back to normal. Dunkirk spirit lacking.
Thanks=still waiting.
Return to Olivia’s appraisal document. Complete overview, strengths and areas for improvement.
Receive monthly taxi account invoice. Cost consistently up each month. Journey + Service Charge (12%!!!) Note to get taxi company account manager in for service review. Note to investigate new taxi firms.
That is all…
Thanks=still waiting.
Return to Olivia’s appraisal document. Complete overview, strengths and areas for improvement.
Receive monthly taxi account invoice. Cost consistently up each month. Journey + Service Charge (12%!!!) Note to get taxi company account manager in for service review. Note to investigate new taxi firms.
That is all…
Brown Down Black Out
Pop. All lights out. All computers off. Burning smell. Immediate action. Leave desk. Walk don’t run. Locate fuse box. Opens fuse box. Strong burning smell. Remnants of smoke. Not good. Look down fuse board. Scorched blocks. Black. All power off. Do not attempt to re-energise. Danger.
Contact maintenance company. Inform of disaster. Laid back attitude not acceptable. Inform operator of annual spend with their company. Demand to speak to account manager. On hold. P!nk. Britney. Thank you for waiting. Still waiting. Account manager answers. Australian. Chipper. Chewing! Inform of disaster. Reiterate annual spend. Inform Chipper Account Manager of additional quotes for maintenance tender from reputable firms. On hold. P!nk. Electrician on way. Result.
Check fuse boards on other floors. Power fine. Move VIP employees to hot desks on upper levels. Improvise electrical extension units for others. All back to work. Downtime=23 minutes in total. Thanks=still waiting.
That is all…
Contact maintenance company. Inform of disaster. Laid back attitude not acceptable. Inform operator of annual spend with their company. Demand to speak to account manager. On hold. P!nk. Britney. Thank you for waiting. Still waiting. Account manager answers. Australian. Chipper. Chewing! Inform of disaster. Reiterate annual spend. Inform Chipper Account Manager of additional quotes for maintenance tender from reputable firms. On hold. P!nk. Electrician on way. Result.
Check fuse boards on other floors. Power fine. Move VIP employees to hot desks on upper levels. Improvise electrical extension units for others. All back to work. Downtime=23 minutes in total. Thanks=still waiting.
That is all…
Wednesday
Kitchen Stock
Receive complaints regarding kitchen stock or lack of it. Note to reprimand Olivia for not being vigilant on kitchen consumables.
Reassess kitchen stock. Compare spend on kitchen stock to annual canteen budget. Costs too high. Remove chocolate spread, three types of herbal tea, ground coffee (replace with instant – caffeinated and decaffeinated), remove sweetner, remove brown sugar, substitute chunky peanut butter for smooth, remove low fat margarine, eliminate skimmed and full fat milk, cut bread order in half, remove whole grain bread. Replace all consumables from branded names to supermarket own brand. Calculate saving. Inform MD of saving. Inform Olivia of changes. Send out immediate allstaffer detailing Kitchen Stock Policy.
Receive replies complaining at variety. Reiterate Kitchen Stock Policy. Additional items must be purchased by individual. Individual is responsible for item. No liability for loss, perish or disposal will lie with company for additionally purchased items. Remind said individuals of Fridge Policy circulated last week.
Remaining Olivia feedback received. Record time. “Could be smarter.” “No improvement.” Make note of could be smarter add to appraisal notes. Begin to formulate appraisal feedback. Confirm time for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Confirm room booking for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Include smiley face in email - :-) – remove smiley face. Could give wrong impression.
That is all…
Reassess kitchen stock. Compare spend on kitchen stock to annual canteen budget. Costs too high. Remove chocolate spread, three types of herbal tea, ground coffee (replace with instant – caffeinated and decaffeinated), remove sweetner, remove brown sugar, substitute chunky peanut butter for smooth, remove low fat margarine, eliminate skimmed and full fat milk, cut bread order in half, remove whole grain bread. Replace all consumables from branded names to supermarket own brand. Calculate saving. Inform MD of saving. Inform Olivia of changes. Send out immediate allstaffer detailing Kitchen Stock Policy.
Receive replies complaining at variety. Reiterate Kitchen Stock Policy. Additional items must be purchased by individual. Individual is responsible for item. No liability for loss, perish or disposal will lie with company for additionally purchased items. Remind said individuals of Fridge Policy circulated last week.
Remaining Olivia feedback received. Record time. “Could be smarter.” “No improvement.” Make note of could be smarter add to appraisal notes. Begin to formulate appraisal feedback. Confirm time for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Confirm room booking for Olivia’s appraisal with Olivia. Include smiley face in email - :-) – remove smiley face. Could give wrong impression.
That is all…
Stationery meeting
Area Stationery Rep and one other. Never met him. Area Rep confused. From furniture and space planning arm of business. Tagging along with Area Stationery Rep to meet existing clients. Here to help with all furniture and space planning needs. Get out. Waste of time. Take card anyway. Move to planned agenda. Express concerns at 36% increase on monthly invoice. Area Stationery Rep smiles. Laughs. Touches hand. Don’t touch hand. Long finger nails. Fake tan. Pink lipstick. Too old for all three. Offers alternate products. Offers discount. 36% deficit removed. Happy. Touches hand again. Not happy. Furniture and space man grins. Feel sick. Fee dirty. Tell them of plan to review ALL suppliers. Area Stationery Rep will come back to me with revised prices and service agreement. They leave. Relief.
Final two feedback for Olivia. “Friendly.” “Approachable.” “Can Do Attitude.” No detail. Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Final two feedback for Olivia. “Friendly.” “Approachable.” “Can Do Attitude.” No detail. Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Tuesday
"Compatriot"
No improvement needed. No improvement needed. More attention to detail on cab and courier bookings and meeting beverage requests. Note down feedback. Summarise and include lengthy paragraph on importance of attention to detail. Send reminder to two outstanding feedback providers of task in hand. Note to follow up.
Collect Health and Safety Digest. Check all interesting and relevant articles highlighted. Inform Olivia of absence for twenty minutes. Descend on next door building for monthly meeting with “compatriot” to discuss shared utilities and any other business.
Enter building. Receptionist smiles. She wears smart shirt. Still casual but smart. Note for Olivia’s appraisal. Reception is clean. Sterile. No atmosphere.
“Compatriot” enters reception. White trainers. Tank top. Hair fudge. Not good image. Office Management should be an example to all. Always neat. Never trendy. Functional. Walk to meeting room. “Compatriot” engages with staff. Smiles. Laughs. High fives. We meet. We talk. Saving on electricity. Boilers serviced. More efficient. Excellent. Impart Health and Safety Digest on “Compatriot.” He smiles. Gratitude. Shallow. Discuss First Aid course. “Compatriot” having reunion with fellow First Aiders from his course. Great laugh. Good looking “birds.” Remember own course mates. Shudder at thought of reunion.
That is all…
Collect Health and Safety Digest. Check all interesting and relevant articles highlighted. Inform Olivia of absence for twenty minutes. Descend on next door building for monthly meeting with “compatriot” to discuss shared utilities and any other business.
Enter building. Receptionist smiles. She wears smart shirt. Still casual but smart. Note for Olivia’s appraisal. Reception is clean. Sterile. No atmosphere.
“Compatriot” enters reception. White trainers. Tank top. Hair fudge. Not good image. Office Management should be an example to all. Always neat. Never trendy. Functional. Walk to meeting room. “Compatriot” engages with staff. Smiles. Laughs. High fives. We meet. We talk. Saving on electricity. Boilers serviced. More efficient. Excellent. Impart Health and Safety Digest on “Compatriot.” He smiles. Gratitude. Shallow. Discuss First Aid course. “Compatriot” having reunion with fellow First Aiders from his course. Great laugh. Good looking “birds.” Remember own course mates. Shudder at thought of reunion.
That is all…
Bathroom Policy
Smell reminiscent of wet dog. Basement shower room not being respected. Unable to install CCTV due to privacy laws. Towels abandoned. Left to emit damp odor. New towels brought in. Old ones forgotten. Half used shower gel bottles. Own brand supermarket shampoo. Pubic hair riddled loofer.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding importance of hygiene and respect in basement shower room. Set out new policy regarding towel usage. Any towel left for more than a week will be removed and destroyed. Send email to the Man in the Scarf informing him to inform cleaners of new zero tolerance on wet dog smell. Express importance of used towels being removed and destroyed. Suggest ways to destroy towels. Request quote for additional work. Remove any wet dog reference from cleaner email. Keep it simple. Cleaners need it simple.
3 out of 5 responses for Olivia’s appraisal. Extremely favorable. “Great attitude.” “Always welcomes with a smile.” “Well presented.” “Very helpful.” Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer regarding importance of hygiene and respect in basement shower room. Set out new policy regarding towel usage. Any towel left for more than a week will be removed and destroyed. Send email to the Man in the Scarf informing him to inform cleaners of new zero tolerance on wet dog smell. Express importance of used towels being removed and destroyed. Suggest ways to destroy towels. Request quote for additional work. Remove any wet dog reference from cleaner email. Keep it simple. Cleaners need it simple.
3 out of 5 responses for Olivia’s appraisal. Extremely favorable. “Great attitude.” “Always welcomes with a smile.” “Well presented.” “Very helpful.” Search for improvement comments. None showing. Email back requesting additional information.
That is all…
Monday
Stationery queries and appraisal
Send selected-staffer email regarding Olivia’s appraisal. Make request simple to increase response probability. Appearance. Attitude. Aptitude. Strengths. Weaknesses. No more than five lines. Note to follow up.
Receive monthly stationery invoice. 36% increase on previous month. Trial price of 32mm Large Lipped Paperclip still active. Calculations show monthly cost should have been 15% less than previous month. Highlighter. Check. Ruler. Check. Investigate invoice.
Moleskin notebooks up from 2 to 5. Olivia to explain. Luxury biros up from 4 boxes of 12 to 8 boxes of 12. Different colours ordered. 6 Boxes of red! Olivia to explain. Standard HB pencils replaced with refillable “endless” pencils. Click. Click. Lead. Break. Click. Click. Lead. 15% more expensive. Olivia to explain. Note to speak to Olivia. Note to get stationery company in for service review. ASAP.
That is all…
Receive monthly stationery invoice. 36% increase on previous month. Trial price of 32mm Large Lipped Paperclip still active. Calculations show monthly cost should have been 15% less than previous month. Highlighter. Check. Ruler. Check. Investigate invoice.
Moleskin notebooks up from 2 to 5. Olivia to explain. Luxury biros up from 4 boxes of 12 to 8 boxes of 12. Different colours ordered. 6 Boxes of red! Olivia to explain. Standard HB pencils replaced with refillable “endless” pencils. Click. Click. Lead. Break. Click. Click. Lead. 15% more expensive. Olivia to explain. Note to speak to Olivia. Note to get stationery company in for service review. ASAP.
That is all…
(New) Mouse in the house
Receive new wireless mouse from manufacturer of computers used in office. Sent on 14 day trial Try before you buy. Analyse packaging. Well presented. Sleak. Simple. Very typical. Remove wireless mouse from packaging and examine. Installation easy. Installation success.
Test drive.
Light weight. Easy to maneuver. Ergonomically sound. Nice scroll action. Lack of apparent buttons disconcerting. Fears soon allayed with ease of use. Emergency situation drill. Lack of mouse mat. Overcome with ease. Laser tracking engine on base effective. Responsive. Adaptable. Bluetooth capability engaged. Good range. Nice response time. Altogether amiable product. Calculate cost based on replacing USB mice already in use. Factor in mouse longevity. Replacement battery cells. Loss. Damage. Project over five year period. Submit replacement proposal to MD. Recommend phased upgrade per department. HR last. Submit review of performance to MD. Bullet point pros and cons. Feel chances of wireless mouse bolstered by success of Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip phased upgrade.
Secure former mouse in drawer.
That is all…
Test drive.
Light weight. Easy to maneuver. Ergonomically sound. Nice scroll action. Lack of apparent buttons disconcerting. Fears soon allayed with ease of use. Emergency situation drill. Lack of mouse mat. Overcome with ease. Laser tracking engine on base effective. Responsive. Adaptable. Bluetooth capability engaged. Good range. Nice response time. Altogether amiable product. Calculate cost based on replacing USB mice already in use. Factor in mouse longevity. Replacement battery cells. Loss. Damage. Project over five year period. Submit replacement proposal to MD. Recommend phased upgrade per department. HR last. Submit review of performance to MD. Bullet point pros and cons. Feel chances of wireless mouse bolstered by success of Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip phased upgrade.
Secure former mouse in drawer.
That is all…
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