Time Ticking

Year so far stagnant. Julia the Junior relieved of duty. Possible indiscretion with MD. FD. Head of Marketing. Carlos the Cleaner. Final wage shows deduction of criminal damage to Kitchen Cam.

Prepare budget spend for forthcoming year. Present savings from supplier changes.

Restructuring business. Restructuring department. Restructuring role. Olivia taking on more responsibility. Assess options. Reformat CV. Evaluate probability of termination. Evaluate treatment with company. Evaluate life. Prepare report. Self use only. Decide to file for considered thought.

That is all...

Business as Unsual

Office quiet. Christmas wind down in effect. Julia the Junior absent. Sick leave. Olivia absent. Annual leave. Relief. Reception manned by temp. No issue. Competent. Friendly. Pierced eyebrow. Long hair. Undercut. Suspect tattoos.

No comeback from Christmas party. People smiling. Saying hello. More than usual. Questioning recovery on Friday. Feel accepted. Strange.

That is all...

Christmas Party - Aftermath Continued

Head banging. Stomach churning. Contraband Eggnog taste still in mouth. Office deserted all day. Complete disaster zone. Discover female underwear in three separate locations. Discovered male sock on Christmas tree. Kitchen Cam removed from wall. Destroyed.

Contact cleaning company to commence clean up operation. Man in the scarf laughs down phone. Inappropriate response from service provider. Note to review contract in new year.

Survey office for damage. Kitchen Cam only true casualty. Additional mess manageable. Begin checklist and plan for cleaners.

Discover inappropriate graffiti in client toilet. Send out immediate allstaffer regarding size and nature of drawing. Looks like it had been traced. Suspect perpetrator still has black outline on self. Contemplate ID parade. Impractical. Depleted workforce in attendance.

Note to write strongly worded letter to Karaoke company. Note to quote appropriate sections of Health and Safety legislation relating to electrical goods.

Note to call Julia the Junior in for immediate disciplinary.

Note to follow up discussion with MD relating to payrise.

Note to apologise to Olivia…

That is all…

Christmas Party Week - Day 5 Aftermath

Woke up 4am. Boardroom Sofa. Comfortable. Three seater in charcoal. 30% terylene, 40% viscose, 30% acrylic, solid wood frame, stainless steel legs. Amazing quality. Ergonomically sound. Head hurts. Vision hazy. Memory shot. Wake up clutching Olivia’s shoe. Confused.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week – Day 4(4)

Out of hand. Bar area compromised. Karaoke machine emitting smoke. Illegal contraband Eggnog flowing. Christmas playlist hacked. Music loud. Olivia outfit amazing.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week – Day 4(2)

Contraband. Unauthorised Eggnog distributed throughout office. Potent. Contravenes Drugs and Alcohol Policy. MD intoxicated. Level of employee intoxication bordering on Health and Safety breach. Consult Kitchen Cam. Device used to observe flagrant abuse of kitchen facilities. No evidence. All staff affected. Julia the Junior AWOL. Olivia smiling. Not close enough to smell breath.

Begin set-up of “party” area. Julia the Junior still AWOL. Olivia covers reception. No help with set-up. Engage set-up plan. Relocate employees in allocated area. Forward telephones to hot desk locations. Ensure desks are cleared. All desk top items accounted for. Documented. Secure items. Move furniture. Designate bar area. Effectively stock bar and two relocated kitchen fridges. Ensure alcohol and soft drinks only accessible from bar manager area. Contemplate creating “No Eggnog” sign. No time. Disregard thought. Layout “Katona” food. Unsure of quality. Urgh.

Karaoke company arrives. Company = 1 man. Big. Beard. Long Hair. Baseball cap. Shorts! Tunage Karaoke. Mr Tunage very excited. Never done an office before. Express concerns about voltage. Load sharing. Fuse capacity. Mr Tunage is confident. Sets up. Tests system. Eye of the Tiger. He’s good. Suggests I try. For luck. Decline. Tunage slaps back. Shouts enjoy. Winks. Leaves. Long evening ahead.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week – Day 4(1)

“Party” day. Arrive early. Three hours before office opens. Decorate office. Construct festive experience in entrance hall. Employ 160 Net Christmas Decoration Lights – Warm White. 8 functions: combination, steady on, twin-light chasing, in wave, twinkle, flashing, slo-glo and stepping on. Select wave function. May vary later in day. Remainder of entrance experience consists of; 9ft Green Plain Garland, Snow Spray Aerosol 150mlx3 to cover Garland with “snow.” Remainder of office daubed – at random – with Silver Tinsel – Chunky, Ruby Red Tinsel – Chunky, Forest Green Tinsel – Chunky. Estimate 80% of office is festively attired. Remaining 20% in view of at least 3 festive areas/decorations. Upload self-populated low key Christmas playlist to office music system. Reserve up-tempo for “party.”

Prepare (warm) mince pies, hot chocolate and Christmas hat for employee arrival.

Olivia first to arrive. Distribute (warm) mince pie. Hot chocolate. Christmas hat. Olivia smiles. Check watch. She’s late. Note to review Olivia’s time keeping.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week – Day 3(1)

Karaoke booking achieved. Good deal. Props to Olivia. Not too much. All genres catered for. Indie. Rock. Pop. Contemplate “Oh Carol.” Decide not to.

Alcohol ordered. Sufficient amount. Below budget. Julia the junior keen to know what’s on offer. Slight palpitation. Food secured. “Katona” option favoured. Google “Katona.” Urgh.

Decide on costume for Sound of Music fancy dress theme.

Decide to source decorations. Olivia too flamboyant.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week – Day 2(2)

Furniture move plan complete. Send immediate allstaff email with outlined plan and points of action for affected staff. To follow up day off party. Arrange relocation of two kitchen fridges. Install combination locks for protection of chilled alcoholic beverages. Select appropriate combination.

Receive email from Olivia. Suggests fancy dress for party. Kiss. Smiley face. Respond requesting suitable theme ideas. Olivia responds accordingly. Burlesque. Too Cold. Bad Santa. Too Niche. Sound of Music. Perfect. Send immediate allstaff email detailing additional feature to entertainment. Receive immediate response from MD. CC’s allstaff. A bottle of Courvoisier for the most ‘pimped’ outfit. Oh dear. Note to find out what Courvoisier is.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week – Day 2(1)

Olivia submits three Karaoke options. Hip-Hop. Too Niche. Full FX. Too Expensive. Drag. Too Overdressed. Instruct to keep looking.

That is all…

Christmas Party Week - Day 1

MD reneges on entertainment policy. Party necessary for company moral. Last minute planning required. Personal moral at stake.

Date set. Budget agreed. Survey sent to ascertain thoughts and opinions on options for Christmas entertainment. Note to check validity of word “Christmas” against office Equal Opportunities Policy. Search for alternative description. Agree on three for use if “Christmas’” contravenes policy. Festive. End of Year. Winter.

Survey results:
Lunch. 3%
Dinner. 23%
Drinks in Office with “entertainment”. 74%

Policy indicates use of “Christmas” viable but suggests Xmas to be safe. Decide to use Xmas. Further decline of English grammar.

Enlist Olivia as Christmas/Xmas Party coordinator. Send immediate email to effect. Receive immediate response. More than happy to help. Kiss. Smiley Face. Suggest meeting to discuss plans. Receive “Cool” as response. Kiss. Smiley face. Suggest immediate action. Julia the Junior to cover reception duties.

Commandeer small meeting room. Flaunting room booking policy. Necessary evil. Urgent planning action required. Olivia arrives. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Outline budget. Outline results of survey. Olivia suggests minimal food maximum alcohol. Recall previous organised entertainment. Express reservations. Olivia suggests lack of alcohol lack of attendance. Think. Agree to more alcohol option. Food. Olivia suggest we “Go Katona” to keep costs down. Confused but trust judgement. Trust enthusiasm. Trust smile. Eliminate spirits from alcohol order. Recall previous organised entertainment. Put foot down. Beer. Wine. Soft drinks. Olivia to source. Entertainment decided. Karaoke. Equipment in office. Relocation of furniture in reception area. Note to draw up timeline for relocation prior to day of party. Olivia to source Karaoke supplier. Submit for approval. Reaffirm budget. Suggest Julia the Junior to “man bar” on night of party. Olivia advises of apparent drink problem. Reconsider.

That is all…

Budget Meeting

Budget meeting with MD. Finally. Arrive with report. Olivia already in meeting room. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Laughing with MD. Joking. Bonding. Eating biscuits. Note to refresh Olivia on meeting room policy regarding internal meetings and biscuit distribution. Enter room. Laughter stops. Meeting begins. Outline actual spend. Outline projected spend. Outline suggestions for potential savings. Highlight overspend on Julia the Junior. Outline 30% saving based on new supplier rostra. Outline projected savings related to tightening of internal policy. Highlight overspend on biscuits.

MD thinks.

MD asks Olivia opinion.

Olivia makes biscuit related joke. They laugh. I don’t.

MD has question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.

MD has further question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.

MD has further question related to report. Direct him to FAQ section of report. MD is satisfied.

MD has question related to FAQ section of report. That was a joke. Apparently. He laughs. Olivia laughs. I attempt laugh. Emit squeak.

Meeting ends. MD leaves. Will “digest data.”

Remind Olivia of meeting policy relating to biscuits. Instruct her to clear meeting room. Set up for next meeting. She uses phone contacts Julia the Junior. Instructs Julia the Junior to clear meeting room. Set up for next meeting.

Note to review Olivia’s responsibilities.

Receive diarised reminder. Julia the Junior nearing end of probation period. Successful probation period = full term contract. Successful probation period subject to feedback and performance review. Non successful probation = immediate termination. Email Olivia to book meeting room.

That is all…

Annual Leave Day

Annual leave. Rest day. Phone call 7.30am. Cleaners unable to gain access. Olivia not on site. Call Olivia. Answer phone. Leave message. Contact Keyholding company. Instruct agent to attend onsite. Allow access to cleaners. Agent calls. Access already granted. Olivia arrived 8am. No return call. Email Olivia expressing concern. Olivia responds. Transport trouble. Frowny face. Consult transport website. Website corroborates story. Respond accordingly. No punctuation expression.
Work on Policy Document and Budget Report for meeting with MD.

Phone call. Power outage. Contact landord and power supplier. Resolution.

Phone call. Telephones down. Instruct Olivia to reset router. Give step by step guide. Olivia responds. Back up and running. Smiley face. Respond pointing out Building Manual should be used for all eventualities. 250 pages of what to do. When to do it. Who to contact.

Phone call. Photocopier malfunction. Respond accordingly.

Phone call. Burglar alarm fault. Respond accordingly.

Phone call. Shower room flooded. Respond accordingly.

Phone silent. No calls.

Complete Budget Report.

Complete Policy Document.

Enjoy ‘Murder She Wrote’ box set.

That is all…

Bookings. Policies and Expressive Punctuation

HR Policy reviews. New MD requires new employee handbook. All policies to be updated. All policies ARE updated. Particular attention given to termination and redundancy. Analysis of spend on salaries. Note to point out Junior Receptionist is overspend. Olivia’s promotion is overspend. Suggest begin analysing resources.

Prepare new Policy Document. Email PA to MD for meeting to discuss. MD returns email. Copies in Olivia. Olivia responds. Smiley face. I respond. Kiss. Unintentional. MD does not respond.

Email Olivia to book meeting room. No refreshments. Olivia responds. Copies in Julia the Junior. Asks her to book room. Smiley face. I asked her to book it! Respond to both demanding immediate booking. Julia the Junior responds. Taxi booked.Smiley face. Respond pointing out room booking not taxi. No smiley face. Julia the Junior responds. Taxi cancelled. Smiley winky face. Respond to both demanding update on booking. No smiley face. No smiley winky face. Julia the Junior responds. Room booked for Friday. Last month. Smiley face. Email Olivia direct. Tell her to book room. No smiley face. She responds copies in Julia the Junior. Bullet points procedure for booking room. Smiley face. Quicker to book herself! Julia the Junior responds. Room booked. Smiley face. Olivia responds. Smiley face. Note to revise internal email policy. Ban on facial expressions expressed through punctuation.

That is all…

Reflection

Kitchen Plan. Kitchen Contract. Bike Policy. Kitchen Cam - CCTV on food preparation area. Fork Policy. Fork Contraband investigation. Spoon Policy. Meeting Room Policy. Crime. Security review. CCTV. Teabagger. Taxi Policy. Taxi review. Solenoid locks. Emergency Evacuation Drill...

Oh and Olivia.

Does it all mean anything?

Yes it does!

It's mine. It's my life. It's important.

That is all...

Brief Update

Months pass. Many changes. Lots to report. Olivia promoted. Indifferent delight (for her).

Mistake.

Company structure reorganising. Employment in dispute. Assessment of budgets. Assessment of spend. Assessment of role. Wood for trees. No vision.

New MD. Responds to emails. Alot. Writes emails. Alot.

New junior receptionist. Not my choice. Olivia more senior. Not my choice. Olivia in Operations Meetings now. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Sharing with others. Wrong!

That is all...

Temp No Show Anger

Reception. Full day. No relief. No contact from Amber. No contact from Jen. No replacement for no show.

Meeting room bookings. Cab bookings. Courier bookings. Special requests. Cutlery requests. Sales calls. Official calls. Tidy reception. Meeting room setup. Meeting room tidy. Appreciate Olivia.

Receive email from Amber. Attempting to find replacement temp. No help. Contact secondary temp agency. Need to come in to discuss needs. Explain needs. Follow up with email. Will get back to me. Don't get back to me. No replacement.

Deliveries to sign for. Post to sort. Meetings to organise. Dan the man. Witty quips. Anger rising. Deep breaths. Count to ten. Receive call from Amber. Don't care for chit chat. Want result. Temp coming in tomorrow. No real experience. Close. Available. I accept.

Temp No Show

Onsite early. Await Rachel - temp cover for Olivia. Think of Olivia enjoying beach related activities. Smile. Rachel - temp cover for Olivia late. Prepare handover notes. Rearrange notes. Still no show. Call Amber. Recruitment consultant. No answer. Leave a message. Express concern at lack of Rachel presence. Continue with further concerns. Beep. Cut off. annoyed. Receive call from Jen. Colleague of Amber. Excitable voice. Sounds out of breath. Talks too fast. Apologies for mixup. Rachel booked in for following week. Express concern at mixup. Double checked booking. note to forward emails as proof. Need immediate replacement. Non available. Unacceptable. Will call back with options. Demand options within an hour. Settle on reception. Consult handover notes. Think of beach related Olivia.

Handover Meeting

Provide jug of water. Two glasses. Olivia handover meeting. Purchase own Chocolate Digestive biscuits. Get holiday feeling started.

Olivia enters. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. No need for tan. Perfect already. Comment? I decide not. No formal issues arising. No outstanding issues needing attention. Congratulate Olivia on excellent handover. Offer biscuit. Looks suspicious. Inform they are own supply. She smiles. I smile. Say I can produce receipt. She laughs. Sweet laugh. Enquire after holiday. Going with group of friends. Male and female. Good friends. Looking forward to sun. Sand. Sea. I stop her there. No need for more information. Wish her Bon Voyage. Request postcard. Joke. She goes. Packs up things. Says goodbye. Hope for postcard.

That is all…

Temp Selection. Handover Notes.

Receive update handover notes from Olivia. Previous notes on notes have been actioned. Review. Impressive. Additional information added further to notes. Job well done. Respond accordingly to Olivia. Instruct Olivia to put in time Friday PM to discuss any handover issues.

Weigh up four potential temp replacements for Olivia. Make ordered selection. Send immediate email to Amber with preferred list. Receive immediate phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Amber. Enthused about decision. Will check availability. Get back to me. Could have said as much in email. Very excited to be helping. Get on with it!

That is all…