Recycling Policy

Scan and forward article on Control of Substances Hazardous to Health (COSHH) Regulations 2002 to Man in the Scarf. No response. Typical. Conduct weekly cleaning inspection. Standards have improved. Slightly. Still dislike scarves.

Send out allstaffer detailing offices recycling policy. Again. Recycling bins are distinctly labeled. Additionally have list of items that can be disposed of in them at eye level. 65% of offices recycling bins are not being used in correct manner. One non-recyclable item in a recycling bag null and voids bag. Bag downgraded to general waste. Not recycled. Point out this and legal requirements of recycling. Will revisit.

Send allstaffer with reminder of fridge item cull over weekend. Follow up with bright, clear signs in kitchen.

Receive email from HR regarding yearly appraisals. Email back point out a full year has yet to pass. Receive additional email stating that previous email was a “heads up.” Dislike HR talk.

That is all…

Fridge Policy

Compose allstaffer relating to fridge hygiene. All fridges to be cleared and cleaned over weekend break. Cleaners have “Carte Blanche” to dispose of everything. Change “Carte Blanche” to “full permission.” Change it back. Makes it more fun. Send out allstaffer. Receive messages back asking for mercy on labeled goods. No mercy. Send additional allstaffer further outlining zero tolerance on labeled and non-labeled fridge dwelling articles and effects. Back up argument with quotes from article found in Health and Safety Digest relating to spread of bacteria and Ecoli from unkempt office fridges.

Leave cleaners note explaining they have “Carte Blanche” to remove everything from fridges. Change “Carte Blanche” to full permission. No need to make it fun. Cleaners need it simple.

That is all…

Health and Safety Digest

Tea hot. Adequate milk. No sugar. Retire to sever room to review Health and Safety Digest. Divert desk phone to mobile for emergency calls. Relax in Health and Safety Haven. Study contents. Impressed with look of articles this month. Immediately identify articles not needed for perusal. Already up to date on legislation. Company policy updated already. May read to see viewpoint.

Read interesting article on “Whole-body vibration and ergonomics of driving occupations.” Bookmark piece on Control of Substances Hazardous to Health (COSHH) Regulations 2002. Note to refer to Man in the Scarf. Pay particular attention to new study into stress at work. Make notes.

Olivia debrief. Skirt too short. Top too low. Hair good. Comment? Inform of results of biscuit audit. Looks smug. Still suspicious. Olivia updates on incident reports. Nothing to report. No problems. Well oiled machine is an efficient machine. My machine.

Inform Olivia of plan for full emergency evacuation drill – date to be set. Rolls eyes. Yes it may occur when it’s raining. Fire/bomb/flood/gas leak pays no heed to weather conditions. I make point with humour. She smiles. It’s nice. Instruct Olivia to keep plans need to know. Confusion. Only we need to know. Point understood. Smiles again. Do I smile back? Meeting over. Olivia back to reception. Note to tell Olivia to smile more on reception. Begin checklist for emergency evacuation drill. I smile.

That is all…

The return to work

Early start. Biscuit audit. Stocks unchanged. Suspicious. Kitchen clean. Bicycles outside. Fruit in healthy supply. Slightly impressed. People arrive. No greetings. No enquiries after course. Why would there be?

Remove “out of office” and attend to emails. Email IT company to increase SPAM filter. No need for Viagra. No need for Thai bride. No need to know goings on between two-five people in the privacy of their own bedroom/somebody elses.

Go through physical mail. Receive latest edition of Health and Safety Digest. Flick through. Interesting articles. Set aside time in afternoon to read thoroughly with cup of tea. No biscuit. Must not display double standards.

Arrange time for debrief with Olivia. Inform Head of Training that course was success. She’d forgotten I was attending course.

Submit travel expenses to accounts for refund. Wrong code. Code I was given. Still wrong code. Give me right code. Must obtain from Head of Training. Head of Training refers to accounts. Refer accounts to company policy on expenses. Accounts assign appropriate code. Successfully reclaim £4.85.

That is all…

Assessment and Goodbye

Theory into practice. Assessors arrive. Nerves. Must complete two scenarios and resuscitation. Consult notes. Know All has a story. Know All has wise words. Everybody sighs. Nobody listens.

Allocated number. One by one goes in. Comes out. Some smiles. Some indifferent. Basic scenarios. Resuscitation instructor is very small. Midget or Dwarf? Neither just short. He’s touchy about it. Note to self, don’t stare or make reference to size. Know All goes in. Me next.

Number called. Nerves. Greet assessor. Greet “casualty” – old woman. Tan. Receive instruction. Bandage knee. Woman helps. Attempt recovery position. Woman moves into position by herself. Not fair. All over. Move to resuscitation. Assessor is really short. Try not to look. Can’t help but stare. Looks like his Dads’ suit. Resuscitate. Dummy not realistic. No arms. No legs. Rubber wig. Smells like Marigolds. Assessor marks. I leave room. Don’t make eye contact. Can’t make eye contact. Too short.

Assessment over. All in circle. All pass. Certificate in post. I breath. I smile. Well done. Well done all. Everyone shares reasons for attending course. Most for work. Serial Course Attender is off on advanced First Aid. Thug training to be children’s football coach. Know All had baby son who died. He didn’t know what to do. Felt helpless.

Silence.

That is all…

First Aid Course – Final Lesson

Arrive early. Cornered by Know All. I’m reading notes! He doesn’t care. He has a story. People arrive. See me. See Know All. Smile with sympathy. They all avoid helping escape. Busy with banter. More pub stories. No interest. No invite. Again. Art Garfunkel Hair and Man on Bicycle arrive. Into lesson. About time.

Cuts. Gashes. Protruding bone. Black. Blurry. Sweet tea. Sympathy. Stifled laughter. Slight reddening of face. Know All has a story. Continue. Poorly acted video. Group session. Use rubber gloves. Use caution. Use bandage. Raise arm. Lower arm. Recovery position. Which leg goes where? Arm over there. Leg here. Roll. Comfort.

Break.

Biscuits. Tea. More banter. Know All has a story. All laugh and ignore. He talks to me. Finish tea. Go to toilet. Hide in toilet. Toilet is dirty. Make note to mention this on feedback sheet.

That is all…

First Aid Course – First Aid. At Last

Partner up. Avoid Know All. Get Everyones Friend. Too friendly. Don’t want to be her friend. Chatty. Bubbly. Annoying.

Triangular bandage ready. Arm up. Fold. Position. Fold under. Bring around. Tie. Secure. Correct. She does it wrong. She does it wrong again. Hilarious. No it’s not. Tedious. Art Garfunkel Hair comes over. Hilarious. NO IT’S NOT! Get it right. Art Garfunkel Hair shows her. Again. Get’s it right. Hilarious. No it’s not. Dislocated shoulder. Fractured elbow. Broken arm. Triangular bandage mastered. Everyones Friend not my friend. Look forward to bandaging mouth injury.

That is all...

First Aid Course – Day 2

Arrive early. Cornered by Know All. He has a story. Pray for anyone else. Art Garfunkel hair arrives. Man on bicycle arrives. Removes bicycle clips. Makes joke. I query plan for day. Confused looks. More tea. More arrivals. New banter. Not involved. Flirty and Flirty 2 flirt. Twitchy laughs. Flirty laughs. Innocent laughs. Quiet laughs. Closet laughs. Cool laughs. Thug laughs. Actor laughs. Everyones Friend laughs. Dim laughs. White Van Man laughs. Posh laughs. Serial Course Attender laughs. Me – I don’t laugh. Know All has a story. Pub invite missing. Again. Maybe tonight. Maybe not. Enjoy biscuit.

Know Olivia is enjoying biscuit. Anger. More tea.

That is all…

First Aid Course – Getting to know you

Late start. Time for tea and biscuits. Have flash of Olivia throwing biscuits to the masses. Make note to reprimand. Remember guilty expression on mention of biscuit audit. Drink tea. Small talk. Get on with it. Here to learn.

Finally. Sit in circle. Get to know each other. Hideous. Hate speaking. Hate strangers. Observe colleagues. Twitchy. Flirty. Innocent. Quiet. Closet. Cool. Thug. Know all. Flirty 2. Actor. Everyones Friend. Dim. White Van Man. Posh. Serial Course Attender. Me.

Ice breaker. Game. Partner up. Game. Share accident stories. Interesting. Know All has story. Know All has comment on other stories. Know All speaks. Quickly nobody listens.

More games. More talk. Break. Tea. Biscuits. Video. Lecture. Make notes. Receive First Aid kit. Go through kit. Smells clean. I smile.

That is all…

First Aid Course – Day 1

Planned route abandoned. Transport chaos. Enable Plan B. Negotiate madness. Successfully carry out Route Plan B. Arrive early. Training centre locked. Wait. Look at watch. People loiter. More arrive. Man on bicycle arrives. Greets crowd. Produces keys. Tries many. Success with none. Calls ‘June’. June stuck on bus. Removes bicycle clips. Wait for June. Tedious small talk. I refrain. Relationships start to form. I watch. Man off bicycle makes jokes. Not funny. Course now thrity minutes behind. Weather dubious. Possible showers. Lack of keys. Wet and late. June arrives. Art Garfunkel hair. Finally.

That is all…

Handover meeting

Olivia. Skirt too short. Top too low. Comment? I decide not. Grasps handover notes fine. Unconvinced. Go over again. Outline expectations. Top too tight. Skirt too tight. Beautiful hair. Comment? No. Reveal biscuit audit plans. She flinches. Guilty.

Tidy desk. Set out of office. Collect directions to training centre. Three days away. Wave goodbye.

Nobody waves back.

That is all...

Handover Notes

Put finishing touches to handover notes for Olivia. Check. Double check. Add more. Question Olivia’s abilities. Worry about biscuit stocks depleting under her reign. Note to check biscuit stocks before departing and thoroughly on return.

Plan route to training centre. Send out allstaffer informing people of my absence. Email Olivia time for handover meeting. Print handover notes. Bind. Re-read. Pleased.

That is all...

Dishwasher Disaster

Dishwasher malfunction. Water on kitchen floor. Stale water smell. Cordon off kitchen. Unplug appliance. Investigate waste pipe. Unscrew waste pipe. Stale water pours out. Grey trousers covered. No replacement pair. Remove old lettuce, clumps of rice and non descript grey matter. Possibly Tofu. Possibly not. Run water through pipe. Still blocked.

Investigate further.

Probe with fork.

Remove blockage. Definitely not Tofu. Blockage cleared. Mop up water. Reconnect appliance. Return to desk. Send out allstaffer with instructions to clear plates before stacking dishwasher. Attach step-by-step guide of how to load dishwasher. Explain top three causes of dishwasher malfunctions. Trousers smell.

That is all...

Come and get it…in moderation

Bikes need reclaiming. Naughty box items need reclaiming. Banter. Social. I smile.

Asses office fruit stocks. Statistically accurate and sufficient for compliment of staff. Stocks low. Over consumption. Work out fair and workable distribution policy for fruit stocks. Send allstaffer with rationing allowance from bananas to grapes. Explain importance of rationing. Threaten removal of fruit stock if rationing is not adhered to. More banter. Inappropriate. Stock situation serious. I don’t smile.

That is all…

Clamping down

Bikes removed. Placed outside. Locked together. Secure. Place notice on each bicycle seat detailing reasons. Bikes will be confiscated overnight. Send allstaffer about bikes.

Wait.

Nothing.

Pub night. No cycling. No invite.

Again.

That is all...

This is not a Halfords showroom!!!

Bikes. Environmentally friendly. Congestion friendly. Parked in office. Not office friendly. Tire tracks on the tiles. Oil on the rug. Protruding pump. Send allstaffer repeating instruction to not have bikes left in the office. Explain aesthetic disadvantages. Explain health and safety disadvantages. Remind of H&S policy. Quote appropriate section. Quote appropriate sub-section.

No response.

Think.

Extreme measures needed.

Wait. Think. Revenge.

That is all...

New battle

Oversee new clear desk policy. Not computer. Not phone. Not in tray. Not staying on the desk. Naughty box. Inventory naughty box. Secure naughty box. Send allstaffer with instructions to reclaim naughty box items.

Underline need reclaim form signed at director level.

Receive email confirming three day First Aid training course with notable organisation. Start Monday. Begin detailed handover notes for Olivia.

That is all...

Sign here

New day. New start. Restore kitchen stocks to previous levels. White Tac – cleanliness contract to wall. Everyone must sign. Without full compliment of signatures kitchen items return to safety. Send allstaffer outlining agreement.

Good uptake.

It won’t last.

That is all...

Go away!

Call. Again. We have a photocopier. Again. Happy with service. Again. Very happy with service. Again. No point putting time in next week. Again. Very happy with service. Again. No need to discuss further options. Again. There are no options. AGAIN! Go away. Won’t go away. Call in six months.

Tell receptionist I WILL be dead in six months.

No more photocopier calls.

Process payment for First Aid course with notable organisation. Await confirmation of course booking. Nerves. New people. Responsibility. Save lives. Give out plasters.

That is all...

Learn RESPECT through REVENGE

All knives. Check. All forks. Check. All table spoons. Check. All tea spoons. Check. All mugs. Check. All glasses. Check. All bowls. Check. All side plates. Check. All large plates. Check. All kitchen items secured in a locked cupboard. Check.

Operation Clean Kitchen in action.

Screen grab faces of kitchen offenders from cam footage, paste them into an allstaffer and send it out laying clear blame at their feet.

No you can’t have a fork! All are punished because of the few. This is war and I will win.

Respect is a clean kitchen. I now have respect.

That is all...

NO RESPECT!!!!

Log into Kitchen Cam.

CCTV on food preparation area. Tool to combat flagrant abuse of the facilities.

It’s not working.

T-Bags on the kitchen top. Food on the kitchen top. Food in the sink. Dishes left to rot. Disease invited to lunch! Extreme measures needed. Allstaffer sent out with a warning. No response. Why would there be, they’ve all died from the dysentery they invited into the kitchen. If only. Think. Wait. Revenge.

That is all...

Decision time

End of week long paperclip trial!

Underwhelming lack of response RE Paperclip Debate. Even worse than Paper Towel comparison last October. Still, there have been no complaints or a negative response following introduction of Silver Sheen 32mm large lipped paperclip, I can move forward with a decision.

Congratulations, we are now a proud Silver Sheen 32mm environment. One paperclip salesman will get his bonus this year.

Deservedly so.

Great product.

That is all...

Leave me alone

Call. We have a photocopier. Happy with service. Very happy with service. No point putting time in next week. Very happy with service. No need to discuss further options. There are no options. Go away. Won’t go away. Call in six months.

Aim to be dead in six months to avoid call.

Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip vs Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped paperclip. Decision tomorrow.

That is all...

Here again

The man in the scarf. Back again.

Yes standards have slipped. Again.

More attention to detail. Again.

Better communication with cleaners. Again.

Same weak handshake. Again.

They have a month to improve.

Note to investigate new cleaning companies. Dislike scarves.

That is all...

Meeting of Minds

The minutes before the meeting is due to begin there is a build up of excitement.

The air becomes thick with potential, the pounding heart of creativity is ready to beat and the free flowing beverage and note making facility will be right there at the centre of it. In those silent thrilling moments, I feel closer to God. Adjust spoon. Adjust spoon back. Nerves. Leave room.

Wait.

Delegates enter. Approach table. Heart beats strong. Pride. File dumped. Setting disturbed. Biscuits fall.

That is all...

They’ve been set-up

A good meeting setup is essential for the free flow of ideas.

Glass table must be streak free. Easily accessible beverage options and note making facilities must be perpendicular to each other with a sound distance attaining to each item. The appearance should be neat and functional, not under any circumstances busy! Each delegate place setting should be equidistant from the previous. Chairs should be the same height. Glasses should be steams with no streaks. Mugs handles must all point in the direction of the next delegate. A buffed teaspoon must also be readily available. Biscuits must be arranged to look attractive and also attainable. Nobody will touch a hobnob if they feel it will bring the rest of the display crashing down. Napkins must be on hand to eradicate the impending danger of crumbs.

Enough time should be left to step back and assess the setup.

That is all...

Stand by your beds…well, worskstations!

White glove. Check. Clipboard. Check. Inspection begins.

Top of picture frame. Dust. Top of stationery cupboard. Dust. Top of reception desk. Dust and what looks like crumbs from a digestive. Note to tell Olivia to not eat crumb generating snacks at reception... Note to tell Olivia not to eat any snacks at reception. Dust on work stations. Dust on printers. Dust on telephones. Dust on top of computer screens. Dust on keyboards. Dust! Scuff marks on the walls. Streaks on the floor tiles. No hand wash in the toilet. No hand towels in the toilet. Streaks on the mirror. Limescale around the kettle. No bag in the bin. Dust on the bin.

Dust EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

Note to get cleaners in for service review. Note extreme displeasure at service. Note to make comment about lack of service. I smile.

That is all...

Silence

Phones dead. DHCP signal lost. Ringing silence. Nice silence. Unacceptable silence. Reset router. Find router. Which router? Switch off router. Switch back on. Nothing. Repeat. Nothing. Note to get telephone service provider in for review. Note to check service contract before review. Note to make ironic point in meeting about service or lack of it. I smile. Scratch. Scratch. Think. Think. Unplug router. Wait. Think. Think. Plug in router. Switch back on. Green light. Green light. Green light.

Victory!

Emerge from basement like conquering hero of old. Heroes welcome lacking. Non existent. Moral victory.

Paperclip debate still raging though still no response. Send out allstaffer with reminder for feedback.

That is all...

Battle of s**ts

Toilet blocked. Bleach and plunger armed and ready. It’s big and brown but I won’t back down. The mantra repeats in my head. It has to or I’d be sick. I taste sick anyway. It’s brief, like clubbing a brown seal. I am King of this castle. I may abdicate.

Still no response RE Paperclip debate – the keen stationery user is wise not to show his or her hand too soon. The battle continues!

That is all...

And so it begins

The 32mm Large Lipped paperclip is far superior to its thinner lipped cousin. It maintains fifty-two percent more grabbage based on the average A4 80gsm page. I know this because it’s my job to know this. If I didn’t know this I’d be ordering any old kind of paperclip, grabbage would not be achieved, pages would fall and chaos would ensue. It’s important.

I have been trialing the Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip to add a little variety to the office. If successful it will replace the Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped model that I have been using. It could go either way. The excitement of two titans of page grabbage going head to head is truly electric. Who will win? I’ll let the public decide. After all it is they that will benefit, it’s them on the front line, it’s them that need the grabbage.

I send out an allstaffer with a brief survey to complete in order to ascertain thoughts and opinions on the two rivals. My breath is truly baited.

That is all...