Office Move Meeting. Wait 30 minutes past start time. Nobody attends. Disappointed. Return to desk. Begin email to Managing Director. No need. Receive email from Managing Director regarding office move and office move meeting. Plans put on hold for foreseeable future. Respond accordingly. File plans in blue sky projects folder. Email Olivia to clear secondary boardroom. Instruct to return biscuits to biscuit store. Note to check all biscuits were returned.
Continuing stream of emails regarding forks. Continue responding that Dan the Man is point of contact. Receive email from Daniel. Dan the man. Congratulates me on winning the battle. Email meant in good humour. Received as such. Respond pointing out importance of order in abnormally small kitchen. Receive response agreeing with stance. Contraband fork battle over.
For now.
That is all…
Showing posts with label forks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forks. Show all posts
Wednesday
Fork Fallout. Temp CVs.
Receive email from Amber regarding temp replacement for Olivia during annual leave. No CVs attached. Respond accordingly. Receive immediate phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Amber. Having one of those days. Hilarious. Just send CVs now. Receive email with CV attachments. Begin review. Impressive selection. Select four within budgeted salary range. Request references.
Prepare secondary boardroom for Office Move Meeting. Abandon usual Internal Meeting Biscuit Policy and provide plain Digestive biscuits along with tea and coffee. Prep audiovisual equipment for presentation of prospective floor layouts and move initiative.
Inbox flooded with fork requests and queries. Respond suggesting Dan the man is relevant point of contact.
That is all…
Prepare secondary boardroom for Office Move Meeting. Abandon usual Internal Meeting Biscuit Policy and provide plain Digestive biscuits along with tea and coffee. Prep audiovisual equipment for presentation of prospective floor layouts and move initiative.
Inbox flooded with fork requests and queries. Respond suggesting Dan the man is relevant point of contact.
That is all…
Tuesday
Kitchen Plan
Update company holiday database with Olivia’s details. Instruct Olivia to make necessary arrangements on personal timesheet computer programme.
Contact recruitment agency on PSL (preferred supplier list) give point by point requirement of right candidate. Immediately receive phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Named Amber. Dislike name. Called for a chat. Don’t want a chat. Discuss needs. Needs detailed in email just sent. Tell more about role. They recruited Olivia. Should know role inside out. Will have a think. Ping some ideas across. Tempted to point out Ping is a radar term. Decide against it. Going to find me a star. Just get on with it. Dislike recruitment consultants.
Email Olivia to begin work on comprehensive handover document for prospective temp. Include step by step guide to daily tasks. Good to remind Olivia of own role. Instruct to be ready for review by Thursday AM. Sidenote to observe kitchen whilst Olivia on leave. Teabagging occurs on average three times every two weeks. One third of occasions there is a 200 percent increase in teabag residue. Teabagging occurred today. If Olivia is teabagger occasion will not arise for two weeks from today. Gives three day cross over period. Guilt could be proved. Guilt could be disproved.
Daniel. Dan the man. Evening plan formulated. Operation Fork Contraband in action. Instruct cleaners to collect all forks. Wash and sanitise. Leave in plastic container supplied. Attend onsite after stated cleaning hours. Alone. Locate luxury muesli packet. Obtain contraband fork supply. Secure contraband fork supply. Secure regular fork supply. Replace contraband fork supply with calling card from “Forkman of the Apocalypse.” I smile.
That is all…
Contact recruitment agency on PSL (preferred supplier list) give point by point requirement of right candidate. Immediately receive phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Named Amber. Dislike name. Called for a chat. Don’t want a chat. Discuss needs. Needs detailed in email just sent. Tell more about role. They recruited Olivia. Should know role inside out. Will have a think. Ping some ideas across. Tempted to point out Ping is a radar term. Decide against it. Going to find me a star. Just get on with it. Dislike recruitment consultants.
Email Olivia to begin work on comprehensive handover document for prospective temp. Include step by step guide to daily tasks. Good to remind Olivia of own role. Instruct to be ready for review by Thursday AM. Sidenote to observe kitchen whilst Olivia on leave. Teabagging occurs on average three times every two weeks. One third of occasions there is a 200 percent increase in teabag residue. Teabagging occurred today. If Olivia is teabagger occasion will not arise for two weeks from today. Gives three day cross over period. Guilt could be proved. Guilt could be disproved.
Daniel. Dan the man. Evening plan formulated. Operation Fork Contraband in action. Instruct cleaners to collect all forks. Wash and sanitise. Leave in plastic container supplied. Attend onsite after stated cleaning hours. Alone. Locate luxury muesli packet. Obtain contraband fork supply. Secure contraband fork supply. Secure regular fork supply. Replace contraband fork supply with calling card from “Forkman of the Apocalypse.” I smile.
That is all…
Kitchen Revolution
Enter kitchen. Anger. Four teabags present in sink. Teabagger strikes with vigour. Observe office. Olivia indifferent. Guilty looks non existent. Immediately log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Excitement. Rerun footage from early morning to present. Kitchen busy. Unable to ascertain teabagger identity. Kitchen cam has failed. Observe further footage. Teabagger still unattainable. Note to move position of Kitchen Cam. Note to engage secondary Kitchen Cam closer to sink. Wait. Observe. Breakthrough. Contraband fork evidence obtained. Daniel. Dan the man. Client services department. Unmasked. Footage displays contraband forks kept in luxury muesli packet. Middle cupboard. Top shelf. Dishing out forks. Willy nilly. Screen grab images of offending actions. Begin allstaffer. Paste screen grabs of offending actions in body of message. Wait. Think. Delete allstaffer draft. Don’t send. Play game. Outsmart. Win.
Receive email from Olivia requesting ten days annual leave beginning following Monday. Exciting deal found. Winter sun. Apologies for short notice. Company holiday policy states that two weeks notice must be given before booking holiday. In operations department suitable checks must be made with all other departments to ascertain needs over period of absence. If heightened operations attention needed over period of absence annual leave request should be denied. Think. Present period traditionally quiet. Feeling buoyant. Please Olivia is not purveyor of contraband forks. Approve request. Enquire as to destination. Out of interest. Thailand. Beach resort. Looking forward to tanning. Dusting off bikini. Interesting. Respond saying look forward to seeing her new tan. Immediately regret sending. Responds with smiley face. I smile.
That is all…
Receive email from Olivia requesting ten days annual leave beginning following Monday. Exciting deal found. Winter sun. Apologies for short notice. Company holiday policy states that two weeks notice must be given before booking holiday. In operations department suitable checks must be made with all other departments to ascertain needs over period of absence. If heightened operations attention needed over period of absence annual leave request should be denied. Think. Present period traditionally quiet. Feeling buoyant. Please Olivia is not purveyor of contraband forks. Approve request. Enquire as to destination. Out of interest. Thailand. Beach resort. Looking forward to tanning. Dusting off bikini. Interesting. Respond saying look forward to seeing her new tan. Immediately regret sending. Responds with smiley face. I smile.
That is all…
Monday
Akil Absent – Decorating Plan
No Akil. No work experience placement replacement. Receive emails regarding Akil’s absence. Respond accordingly. Not fulfilling work experience placement criteria. Poor attitude. Not right for company ethos. Dispatched accordingly. Send immediate allstaffer referring the Akil’s departure to quash insurgent emails. Point out security changes following departure. Alarm code. Door entry code.
Painter and decorator appointment. Redecorating following damp damage. Need to obtain quote. Painter and decorator in suit. Attempt to promote professional approach. Doesn’t work. Tie inconsistent with suit pattern. Tour areas needing attention. Inform job specifications and requirements. Makes notes. Slight nervous tick. Unnerving. Distracting.
Receive email from Olivia regarding Akil investigation. Betrayal of work experience placement candidate continues. Point out Akil was keen to assist with investigation. Got carried away. Another reason Akil dispatched. All staff viewed as suspects. Olivia appeased.
That is all…
Painter and decorator appointment. Redecorating following damp damage. Need to obtain quote. Painter and decorator in suit. Attempt to promote professional approach. Doesn’t work. Tie inconsistent with suit pattern. Tour areas needing attention. Inform job specifications and requirements. Makes notes. Slight nervous tick. Unnerving. Distracting.
Receive email from Olivia regarding Akil investigation. Betrayal of work experience placement candidate continues. Point out Akil was keen to assist with investigation. Got carried away. Another reason Akil dispatched. All staff viewed as suspects. Olivia appeased.
That is all…
Wednesday
Hat returned. Fork Contraband Investigation.
Desk abandoned. Use stealth. Use cunning. Use time. Wisely. Identify what needs to be found. Office fork supply distinguishable by layered inverted crescent design. Contraband fork smooth double rim effect. Offending tea bag pyramid shape. Office supply round. Attack drawers. Keep below reception desk. Out of eyeline. Notice dust on floor. Note to email Man in the Scarf regarding dust negligence. Note to increase scope of cleaning inspection. Phone rings. Panic. Divert. Panic avoided. Desk approached. Finance junior. Crouch low. Finance junior departs. Quicken pace. Look through drawer. Nothing. Look through another drawer. Nothing. No evidence. Time running out. Stationery drawer. Nothing. No offending knives. No offending teabags. Olivia’s laugh. Sweet laugh. Panic. Abandon search. Retreat. Nothing.
Roof repair complete. Invoice produced. Hat returned. Shouty Shorts snatches back. Placid brummy silent. Inspect roof. Impressive. Note to get quote for redecorating damp areas. Potential weekend work. Shouty Shorts leaves.
Akil produces inventory. Detailed. Cross referenced. Colour coded. Nice. Boy will go far. Faith he will prevail with evidence after all.
That is all…
Roof repair complete. Invoice produced. Hat returned. Shouty Shorts snatches back. Placid brummy silent. Inspect roof. Impressive. Note to get quote for redecorating damp areas. Potential weekend work. Shouty Shorts leaves.
Akil produces inventory. Detailed. Cross referenced. Colour coded. Nice. Boy will go far. Faith he will prevail with evidence after all.
That is all…
Crime follow up and Roof Repair
Onsite early. Shouty Shorts arrives. Requests hat. Hat and Shorts reunited after completion of job. Shouty Shorts joined by Placid Brummy. Shouty Shorts shouts. Placid Brummy not appearing to listen. Show them to roof. Unlock door. Take care with new Redlam Compatible Cermam Tube Break Bolt.
Receive call from Olivia. Local Police representative in reception. Make joke her time is up. She laughs. I laugh. Only half joking. Contraband Fork investigation will prove joke to be real. No laughing then.
Laughing policeman. Too jolly. Crime has been committed. We share the same name. He laughs. I don’t. Show CCTV footage. Make copy. Submit evidence. PC Jolly requests tour of building. Assess building security. Proactive approach. Impressive.
Side alleyway. Needs gate with rolling razor wire. Front gate needs reinforced lock. Windows need security film. Alarm needs upgrading. More sensors. More break points. Make notes. CCTV fine. Possible need for smart water. Motion activated smoke alarm. Note to investigate both. Note to draw up security improvement plan. Note to consult Operations Budget. Note to request additional Security Operations Budget. PC Jolly gives card. Points out his name. Laughs that we have same name. He’s done that joke!
Observe Olivia and Akil. Talking. Laughing. Request inventory for basement storage. Akil returns to computer. Set deadline. Olivia sets up meeting. Reception unmanned. Note to liaise with finance office junior for manning of reception when left unmanned so manned all the time. By girls. Olivia away. Investigate for evidence.
That is all…
Receive call from Olivia. Local Police representative in reception. Make joke her time is up. She laughs. I laugh. Only half joking. Contraband Fork investigation will prove joke to be real. No laughing then.
Laughing policeman. Too jolly. Crime has been committed. We share the same name. He laughs. I don’t. Show CCTV footage. Make copy. Submit evidence. PC Jolly requests tour of building. Assess building security. Proactive approach. Impressive.
Side alleyway. Needs gate with rolling razor wire. Front gate needs reinforced lock. Windows need security film. Alarm needs upgrading. More sensors. More break points. Make notes. CCTV fine. Possible need for smart water. Motion activated smoke alarm. Note to investigate both. Note to draw up security improvement plan. Note to consult Operations Budget. Note to request additional Security Operations Budget. PC Jolly gives card. Points out his name. Laughs that we have same name. He’s done that joke!
Observe Olivia and Akil. Talking. Laughing. Request inventory for basement storage. Akil returns to computer. Set deadline. Olivia sets up meeting. Reception unmanned. Note to liaise with finance office junior for manning of reception when left unmanned so manned all the time. By girls. Olivia away. Investigate for evidence.
That is all…
Friday
Fork Policy Teaspoon Policy
Remove all forks from kitchen. Remove all but one teaspoon from kitchen. Secure cutlery in locked draw.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Teaspoon Policy. Only one to be in use due to teaspoons being discarded willy-nilly in the sink. Unacceptable use of tea making facility.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Fork Policy. All staff are allowed one fork. Fork must be signed out at the start of the day and then returned at the end of the day. Fork must be clean. If fork is not signed back in staff member will not receive fork the next day. Simple. Effective.
Receive replies calling Fork Policy juvenile. Resist urge to reply with ironic remarks. Dignity in silence. The Fork Policy stands.
Teaspoon Policy received no complaints.
That is all…
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Teaspoon Policy. Only one to be in use due to teaspoons being discarded willy-nilly in the sink. Unacceptable use of tea making facility.
Send immediate allstaffer regarding Fork Policy. All staff are allowed one fork. Fork must be signed out at the start of the day and then returned at the end of the day. Fork must be clean. If fork is not signed back in staff member will not receive fork the next day. Simple. Effective.
Receive replies calling Fork Policy juvenile. Resist urge to reply with ironic remarks. Dignity in silence. The Fork Policy stands.
Teaspoon Policy received no complaints.
That is all…
Monday
Learn RESPECT through REVENGE
All knives. Check. All forks. Check. All table spoons. Check. All tea spoons. Check. All mugs. Check. All glasses. Check. All bowls. Check. All side plates. Check. All large plates. Check. All kitchen items secured in a locked cupboard. Check.
Operation Clean Kitchen in action.
Screen grab faces of kitchen offenders from cam footage, paste them into an allstaffer and send it out laying clear blame at their feet.
No you can’t have a fork! All are punished because of the few. This is war and I will win.
Respect is a clean kitchen. I now have respect.
That is all...
Operation Clean Kitchen in action.
Screen grab faces of kitchen offenders from cam footage, paste them into an allstaffer and send it out laying clear blame at their feet.
No you can’t have a fork! All are punished because of the few. This is war and I will win.
Respect is a clean kitchen. I now have respect.
That is all...
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