Kitchen Plan

Update company holiday database with Olivia’s details. Instruct Olivia to make necessary arrangements on personal timesheet computer programme.

Contact recruitment agency on PSL (preferred supplier list) give point by point requirement of right candidate. Immediately receive phone call. Effervescent voice. Over the top. Named Amber. Dislike name. Called for a chat. Don’t want a chat. Discuss needs. Needs detailed in email just sent. Tell more about role. They recruited Olivia. Should know role inside out. Will have a think. Ping some ideas across. Tempted to point out Ping is a radar term. Decide against it. Going to find me a star. Just get on with it. Dislike recruitment consultants.

Email Olivia to begin work on comprehensive handover document for prospective temp. Include step by step guide to daily tasks. Good to remind Olivia of own role. Instruct to be ready for review by Thursday AM. Sidenote to observe kitchen whilst Olivia on leave. Teabagging occurs on average three times every two weeks. One third of occasions there is a 200 percent increase in teabag residue. Teabagging occurred today. If Olivia is teabagger occasion will not arise for two weeks from today. Gives three day cross over period. Guilt could be proved. Guilt could be disproved.

Daniel. Dan the man. Evening plan formulated. Operation Fork Contraband in action. Instruct cleaners to collect all forks. Wash and sanitise. Leave in plastic container supplied. Attend onsite after stated cleaning hours. Alone. Locate luxury muesli packet. Obtain contraband fork supply. Secure contraband fork supply. Secure regular fork supply. Replace contraband fork supply with calling card from “Forkman of the Apocalypse.” I smile.

That is all…

Kitchen Revolution

Enter kitchen. Anger. Four teabags present in sink. Teabagger strikes with vigour. Observe office. Olivia indifferent. Guilty looks non existent. Immediately log into Kitchen Cam. CCTV on food preparation area. Excitement. Rerun footage from early morning to present. Kitchen busy. Unable to ascertain teabagger identity. Kitchen cam has failed. Observe further footage. Teabagger still unattainable. Note to move position of Kitchen Cam. Note to engage secondary Kitchen Cam closer to sink. Wait. Observe. Breakthrough. Contraband fork evidence obtained. Daniel. Dan the man. Client services department. Unmasked. Footage displays contraband forks kept in luxury muesli packet. Middle cupboard. Top shelf. Dishing out forks. Willy nilly. Screen grab images of offending actions. Begin allstaffer. Paste screen grabs of offending actions in body of message. Wait. Think. Delete allstaffer draft. Don’t send. Play game. Outsmart. Win.

Receive email from Olivia requesting ten days annual leave beginning following Monday. Exciting deal found. Winter sun. Apologies for short notice. Company holiday policy states that two weeks notice must be given before booking holiday. In operations department suitable checks must be made with all other departments to ascertain needs over period of absence. If heightened operations attention needed over period of absence annual leave request should be denied. Think. Present period traditionally quiet. Feeling buoyant. Please Olivia is not purveyor of contraband forks. Approve request. Enquire as to destination. Out of interest. Thailand. Beach resort. Looking forward to tanning. Dusting off bikini. Interesting. Respond saying look forward to seeing her new tan. Immediately regret sending. Responds with smiley face. I smile.

That is all…

Akil and Bagging the Teabags

Arrive early. Office empty. Have instructed successful work experience placement candidate, Akil to be onsite. He arrives. Popeye arms. Muscle man. Weak handshake. Disappointed. Keen to start. Postpone Health and Safety induction. Make for kitchen. Attack storage cupboards with vigour. Remove all teabag and tea related equipment. Remove all coffee and coffee related equipment. Contact local shop. Cancel milk order. Akil assists. Confused. Useful. Secure tea and tea related equipment. Secure coffee and coffee related equipment. Send immediate allstaffer reemphasising Kitchen Hygiene Policy. Lay blame at feet of teabagger. Imagine Olivia’s reaction.

Conduct Health and Safety induction with Akil. Show fire exit routes and fire assembly point. Make joke about assembly point being opposite pub not in it. No laughter. Serious. Good. Explain importance of Health and Safety in work place. Relate story of disastrous full emergency evacuation drill.

Set up Akil with computer. Desk. Phone. Brief Akil on duties relating to work. Brief Akil on Olivia surveillance. Confused. Agrees. Plan engaged.

Olivia enters. I watch. Takes off coat. I watch. Switches on computer. I watch. Moves to kitchen. I watch. Opens cupboard. I watch. Looks for tea. I watch. Can’t find tea. I smile.

That is all…

Work Experience and Teabagger

Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Tuesday PM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.

Receive call from one of two potential work experience placement candidates. Akil. Very keen. Very eager. Unavailable for pre-arranged interview due to gastric flu. Questionable. Response to interview questions rated medium to impressive. Free ASAP. Could be tool in Contraband Fork investigation. Possible to team him up with Olivia when not needed by me. Keen to experience role. Willing to go out of remit when required. No job too small. Willing to work for travel reimbursement. Lives close. Travel reimbursement cost minimal. Way under budget. Engage services. To begin Monday AM.

Receive call from second of two potential work experience placement candidates. Lucy. Called too late. Not interested. Goodbye.

Anger. Kitchen hygiene has been violated. Teabag left in sink. Unacceptable. Blatant disregard for Kitchen Hygiene. Log into Kitchen Cam CCTV on food preparation area. Blank screen. Network feed not interrupted. Investigate. Piece of White 80gsm A4 paper secure in front of lens with Blue Tac. Remove paper. Remove Blue Tac. Remove slight grease residue of Blue Tac from wall. More anger. Teabag and lens obscuration blatant personal attack. Wait. Think. Revenge.

Note to assign Akil to observe Olivia’s tea-making habits.

That is all…