Crime

Receive urgent email from member of staff. Great personal loss. Victim of crime. Front bike light stolen. Bikes stored in bike racks in front courtyard. Covered by CCTV. Commence investigation.

Interview member of staff. Ascertain rough time front bike light stolen.

Log into building CCTV system. Select camera relevant. Input time and date parameters. Review footage. 8.11am. Member of staff arrives. Secures bike. Adjusts trousers. Enters building. 8.16am. Second member of staff arrives. On foot. Talking on telephone. 8.23am. Hooded youth enters front courtyard. Looks around. Observes bikes in bike rack. Quickly identifies target. Steals forward. Steals light. 8.28. Retreats to street. Five minutes flat. Impressive. Log into secondary camera near street. East facing. No footage. Suggests hooded youth absconded in westerly direction.

Inform local Safer Neighbourhoods Policing Team. Note irony of name. Obtain crime reference number. Furnish member of staff with crime reference number for insurance purposes. Screen grab image of hooded youth. send out immediate allstaffer with image urging vigilance. Include brief recommendations for bike safety.

Receive several emails requesting bike haven inside office. Reject requests. Bike Policy remains. Violators of policy will have their bikes clamped. Possibly removed to front courtyard with no lock.

Receive email form Managing Director’s PA. Office Move meeting moved to Thursday AM due to diary clash. Respond accordingly.

That is all…

Come and get it…in moderation

Bikes need reclaiming. Naughty box items need reclaiming. Banter. Social. I smile.

Asses office fruit stocks. Statistically accurate and sufficient for compliment of staff. Stocks low. Over consumption. Work out fair and workable distribution policy for fruit stocks. Send allstaffer with rationing allowance from bananas to grapes. Explain importance of rationing. Threaten removal of fruit stock if rationing is not adhered to. More banter. Inappropriate. Stock situation serious. I don’t smile.

That is all…

Clamping down

Bikes removed. Placed outside. Locked together. Secure. Place notice on each bicycle seat detailing reasons. Bikes will be confiscated overnight. Send allstaffer about bikes.

Wait.

Nothing.

Pub night. No cycling. No invite.

Again.

That is all...

This is not a Halfords showroom!!!

Bikes. Environmentally friendly. Congestion friendly. Parked in office. Not office friendly. Tire tracks on the tiles. Oil on the rug. Protruding pump. Send allstaffer repeating instruction to not have bikes left in the office. Explain aesthetic disadvantages. Explain health and safety disadvantages. Remind of H&S policy. Quote appropriate section. Quote appropriate sub-section.

No response.

Think.

Extreme measures needed.

Wait. Think. Revenge.

That is all...